A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm with a girl who I love, just before me she had a 4month fling with her work colleague, fair enough, but in the last 4 months we've been together she's thrown a few things in my face without thinking (videos of him and her friends messing around, pictures of him left on her camera). So one day we are about to have sex and she sneakily goes to the draw then comes back to bed, hiding something in her hand, turns out its lube, I ask when she got it and she lied at first saying last week, then 2 minutes later she said sorry I lied, she had bought it with a vibrator, then after asking some angry questions turns out she used it with him and one of her 2 vibrators she had in her draw hidden away. Everyone has a past but I struggle to get images/Scenarios and stuff out of my head, she loves me but didnt really think and now I like advice on moving on and clearing my mind of the man before me with my girl, sounds silly I know. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): Ok everyone, no need to jump down the anonymous OP for asking his question - he needs help, not judgement...You could have just said he is suffering from retroactive jealousy which is common, and for him to understand it and thereby getting help in putting it behind him, not giving him more and worse visuals than he already has. If you can't be kind or helpful, perhaps rather refrain from "helping" Firstly, it's good you acknowledge you love this girl, and you appear happy aside for the jealousy over her past lover. You didn't mention if they still work together, this could partly be to blame too, because when an ex is just that, it tends to be easier to dismiss as the past.Things to help you through this jealousy is to remember it was a 4 month thing. Not 4 years, not marriage, just a fling. If he was that important, or meant so much, he would still be in the picture, instead, he is gone. You didn't mention how or why they broke up, but that could also assist you with getting over these feelings, by realising for whatever reasons it is over, and YOU are her man now.Due to unresolved feelings and emotions which you are still processing, the careless moments of videos and items just make it worse, but not impossible.As you yourself acknowledged, both of you have a past, so knowing how cut up it makes you, rather don't ask intrusive questions like where or when she got the lube - it will just play havoc with your mind. Just as you won't mention things you did in full graphic detail with past girls, it's in the past and over, expect the same for her.With time, as your relationship matures and both of you grow as individuals and with each other, these feelings will dispel more and more. As you create your own memories and "movie" in your own mind of your own intimate, special moments, her past will fade more and more. It happens to everyone.Something to remember: she is the person she is today, because of everyone in her past, yet they are the PAST, and she is with YOU now. The same with you - everyone in your past either hurt or benefited you, but either way, they brought you to where you are now, and they are in the past fondly or not, but you are with HER now. Does that help?What will also help is build on your own self esteem, confidence, etc which will greatly help you to realise you are worthy, special and she wants to be with YOU. Research all of these on google - self esteem and confidence and how to build yourself up to feel good and strong; and also retroactive jealousy - what it is, how to work through your feelings and thoughts, and to get over it.Good Luck and be happy!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 August 2013):
 I agree with both Yos and Cindy - you are being ridiculous. Have you thought about the ketchup in her fridge? HE might have used that! Or the same towels (even if they have been washed)....!
She didn't pour the lube out all over him and then put it back in the bottle. She (most likely) didn't use the dildos on HIM but on herself.
YOU didn't date a virginal woman whit absolutely NO past. You need to ACCEPT that SHE (as well as yourself I bet) had a past.
Now if she keeps photos of him and that makes YOU uncomfortable I would ask her to take those pictures and either get rid of them or store them so they aren't out in plain view. BUT you can not - I repeat - CAN NOT make her remove everything that somehow involved a past lover..
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 August 2013):
 . She is also probably still using with you the same bed , mattress, sheets she had sex on with the other guy. The other guy has probably parked his butt over the same chair you sit on now, - or over the same toilet seat.
How come you haven't thought of that ? How come you haven't asked her to get rid also of all her furniture, linen, bathroom fixtures ? Why the hang up specifically with the lubricant ?...
...because it brings up images ? Why, by this token everything around her could bring up images. She wears the sme bras and panties he has touched and admired, ... she has the same body he has known intimately too.
So, not to be insensitive, to show you respect...should this girl get rid of anything that this other man may have laid eyes or hands on ? ... What do we do about the body, a total make over ? A transplant of genitalia ... ?
Your thoughts are completely irrational, and that you probably realize it. If they are also recurring , intrusive and out of control, maybe even Yos 's expert and excellent advice won't be enough. If you can't handle it by yourself, by all means see a specialist : possibly a shrink, in case you'd benefit from medications. Do not dismiss this as a minor little nuisance, and treat it with the same seriousness and promptness as if you were riddled, say, by disturbing thought of death or illness. The manifestations of your compulsive ideation may be different, but the substance and the structure of your compulsion are the same.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (1 August 2013):
 "It turns out its lube, I ask when she got it and she lied at first saying last week, then 2 minutes later she said sorry I lied, she had bought it with a vibrator, then after asking some angry questions turns out she used it with him".
You realise you were the cause of this fight right? That you started it?
She grabbed lube to use with you, thinking only of you and wanting to have sex with you. YOU.
You asked the question knowing fully what the answer would be... that she had the lube already, before she met you. That question is a trap: she can't give a good answer, an answer that will make you happy. What could she have said that would not have upset you? The answer is ... nothing.
Knowing that in a moment of vulnerability, desire and intimacy you asked your girlfriend an unpleasant question that she could not answer makes you an asshole. Sad to say. It's emotional abuse.
Imagine from her point of view. She wants to have sex with her boyfriend and instead gets interrogated with angry questions and forced to discuss her ex, who is surely the last person she wants to be forced to think about at a time like this. Horrible for her.
Anyway, as long as you know it's you being the aggressor in this situation thats a start. You can't get past it until you accept responsibility for your own feelings and actions.
What to do about it? That's difficult, but not impossible. But having experienced this myself and escaped I can tell you how I did it:
- Recognise it's your problem not hers.
- Decide that you want it not to bother you anymore.
- Realise that you achieve this by not caring about it. If you don't care then it won't bother you.
- Choose to not care about it. That means it's meaningless. In this case: you have to tell yourself that her relationship with her ex is now meaningless. You now believe that. Become the guy who doesn't care about her ex.
- Accept the new person you are with that changed belief. You're not who you were. You're a better version of yourself.
- Be vigilant. At moment when you feel insecure or depressed your old belief (that her ex matters) will try to re-assert itself. At that moment remind yourself firmly that he doesn't matter, and that you have chosen a different path. This will never go away but you will get better at avoiding relapsing until it becomes trivial.
- Don't be self indulgent. It's easy to let yourself play with this in your mind over and over, which only makes it worse. Every moment you spend thinking about it makes it a longer path to recovery.
- Don't ask her any more about him. Don't ask her questions she can't ask. Don't project your anger on her about this. Don't be a jealous man. Don't be that asshole.
Good luck.
If you read my post history you'll find many more discussions on this subject, it comes up a lot. It's generally called retroactive jealousy.
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