A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i got into so much mess its driving me insane. I cant find my way anymore im in two long term relationships one of 21 years and one of 2 years I don't know what to do. I cant seem to make a choice through uncertainty, feeling scared of the pain and consequences of my actions. I just am so lost and feel in constant torment over it. i cant seem to make any decision and everyday it doesn't go away. i wish i never got into this situation but i cant turn back time. how can i go forward in life when i don't know which way to go and who with? i am so unsure and worried of making the wrong decision i cant make one and this has been going on for 2 years now. they are so different men with different lives one city and one countryside its like choosing a different way of life as well as between them as people. this is just the worst hardest decision ive ever had to make and i just cant make it. Will things become clearer in time ? 2 years has been long why cant i make my mind up? thanks for listening and all advice that is given Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2019): i don't like the drama of having two men I just simply cannot choose which is way I posted here. I am upset everyday about my situation
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (8 April 2019):
 I honestly don't even know why you posted on here OP. We have given advice and you apparently don't like it and just keep saying "Its too hard to decide." Not its not. You don't want to decide. You like the excitement and drama of having 2 men. Give me a break.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 April 2019):
 IF you were meant to be spending your life with either of these men then you would not be here asking, your heart and your head would not let you go one more day prevaricating over city or country.
21 years in a relationship and you still can't decide? And not only decide have you have had another guy on the side for the past two years?
That is in, and of itself, a fair indication the 21 year relationship is going nowhere … and if the 2 year guy was the one making your heart go boom diddy boom diddy boom boom boom then the 21 year relationship would have been ended pretty soon after the 19th year.
Keep them both and keep cheating on them both if that's what you want to do … I doubt anybody else's advise or opinion will sway you anyway.
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (8 April 2019):
If you wanted to be in the long term relationship you wouldn’t have started cheating on him and you certainly wouldn’t have let it go on for two years. You want to be with the new guy so be with him.
Let the LTR guy go so that he can find someone who actually loves and respects him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2019): no the men don't know about each other. I never wanted to get married no need for marriage so that's why after 21 years we aren't he would have got married if I wanted too.
both men are not hanging around I split my time between them but its hard to decide what I want. I like both city and country life my family are in the country too. I like my long term partner maybe because ive known him for so long 21 years. my other man is fairly new after 2 years and we unlike the other have never lived together only stayed together. the romance is very strong with my new man and lacking with the other one. its just impossible to choose
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 April 2019):
Your situation brings to mind the 1976 hit "Torn between 2 lovers" feeling like a fool, loving both of you is breaking all the rules...."
If it was me, I'd probably go with option C..end it with both of them and start over with someone else.
You've been with a man for 21 years and yet there is no real commitment? Thats an incredibly long time to not be engaged, married (many marriages don't last that long!) Why is that?
Do the men know about each other? I sure as heck wouldn't tolerate someone I cared about to be dating another, especially not for 2 years!
If you have to chose to make a lifestyle and you aren't too thrilled about it that you can't make a decision then why even do it? I understand that you are uncertain and don't want to make the wrong decision but do you honestly think both men are going to hang around forever and wait? They won't. You either really want to be with one of them or you don't. Its like you are having dessert and then having dessert again but its not going to last. If you lived somewhere that you could have 2 husbands I guess you wouldn't have to decide but afraid that's illegal in most places. None of us can decide for you OP but I'd wager a guess that if you don't decide soon, one of the men will decide for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2019): original poster; yes I am scared of losing everything , im scared of making the wrong decision, im scared of telling them and the pain it will cause them as I feel pain everyday. the country guy is near my family and city one is miles away so makes it even harder to decide. I really don't know how to get out of this situation
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2019): Time is the enemy. Apparently the 21-year relationship has proven itself for durability and persistence. One is the main-course, and the other is a side-dish.
Greediness tends to backfire, and you often end-up with nothing. Indecisiveness between two people is just the dilemma of being a cheat. So you get caught in your own trap.
Go with the guy you've known the longest. It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of selfishness and greed.
If I were in your shoes, I'd let them both go. If you're a city-girl, over 40; adapting to country-living might feel somewhat isolated and slow. The other guy has had you holding-on for 21 years? How's that possible?
You're not afraid of pain or the consequences. I think you tell yourself that to justify the fact you're cheating between two men. You want guarantees and perfection. It's not a matter of city-life or country-life.
I would speculate that 21 years of experience apparently hasn't taught you anything.
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