A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been single for a few years. I've never been the type of person that needed to be in a relationship to define me or my happiness. I do find that when I'm in a relationship, though, I like it to be passionate, intense, and full speed. I just think anything less isn't worth having.I've been talking to this girl that lives overseas for about 9 months. She is great, we speak every weekend for long periods of time, and exchange text messages and emails. She purchased a ticket to come see me later this year, and I also planned to go see her later in the year.Recently I began talking to another girl on the other side of the country (US). We had the opportunity of meeting up and being together this past holiday weekend and it was amazing. Although we only got to hang out for a brief time, I feel like this woman is everything I've ever wanted. She is smart, funny, honest, beautiful, and most importantly, she gets me. It was the most amazing time I've ever had, and I've never been so happy.I'm aware of the false realities that can exist in a new relationship, and I'm cautious. I have a level head and am generally skeptical. I understand that every new relationship can seem perfect, but at the same time, this is more amazing than anything I've ever experienced.This new girl is planning to come visit me in a week or so, so we can have a longer stay together. This will obviously give me a more realistic view of our chemistry together.The girl from overseas is supposed to come visit me in a few months. I'm very against leading her on. I don't want to hurt anyone, either. While I've enjoyed the conversation and relationship with this girl overseas, it isn't fair to her to pretend everything is the same when it isn't. I don't know how to tell her, or to break it off, or to cool it down. She has a ticket to come see me in a few months. This compounds the problem.What should I do, and when, to make this situation easiest on everyone? I've already told the new girl about the girl overseas, in the interest of honesty, but how do I let the overseas girl down easily?
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female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Hi there
I agree with mama2three. Looks like you've already made up your mind.
Please take this from someone who was "the girl overseas", please tell her the truth ASAP.
My story - in a nutshell. I've known this guy since the beginning of highschool. We hooked up when he came back home for a visit (he went on a working holiday in London). We were together for 3 months before he had to leave to go back to London to finish his Visa. He was only supposed to stay for three months, and then return home.
Three months eventually turned into 8 months, and then i decided to go see him in London - and he would then come back home with me. I brought the ticket, and a week before i flew over, he tells me he's not coming back with me, but gonna stay for another 3 months after i go to visit him. This hurt like hell, but i figured, that at least then it will be over, and he'll be back home. When i got there (after losing 15kg to impress him), he was soooo distant. I knew something was wrong, and 4 days into my 10day holiday, i figured out he was cheating on me. THE BASTARD...
Anyway - i asked him about 2 weeks before i flew over if something was wrong, and if i'm about to waste my money (about $1700 for plane ticket + spending money + transport etc), and he told me NO. Well - obviously i did. I wasted all that money, and i resented him for a long time. NOT for cheating on me, but for leading me on.
Just get it over with. Just tell her straight that you've met someone else. Don't lie to her. Also - offer to pay for the ticket. (my ex boyfriend did, but i refused to accept. At the time i thought that he was only trying to settle his own guilt, and i wasn't about to let him do that. Looking back now, i should have just taken the damn money :-).)
I hope this new girl is all she seems to be. Sounds like a great match. And good for you for trying to do the right thing.
Good luck - let us know how it goes...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't name the question, and it really has nothing to do with choosing between the two. The connection between the girl here is so amazing it trumps the other.My problem is I don't want to break the other girls heart. I don't want to hurt her. I guess I don't have a choice, but I'll feel terrible. My question is more about how to tell her. How do I do it and when? Should I wait until after the new girl visits in a few weeks? Should I do it right away?
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A
female
reader, mama2three +, writes (3 January 2008):
 It sounds like you've already made your choice, so I won't address the "how do I choose between two girls" part of your question.
And, I think you sort of answered your question. You are against leading people on, so don't do it! I don't know that there is a way to let someone down easy, but would you even consider this girl overseas a girlfriend? If not, it should make it a little easier.
The fact that she has a ticket to come see you complicates things a bit, but it's an easy fix. If she's really put off by your revelation that she's just not the girl for you, offer to pay for it! If it's going to keep you up at night that she bought a plane ticket to see you and then you broke it off with her, then offer to pay for it! I know she'd appreciate it.
And you're right, make sure you try to remove the rose colored glasses with this other woman, try and see her for who she really is!
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A
female
reader, nikkij  +, writes (3 January 2008):
 How bout you see how it goes with the girl from the US when she comes to see you in a week. See where your feelings go from there then consider really hard if you want to lose what you have with the girl everseas (the good conversation and whatnot).
I've have been in this situation before. It was either stay with my bf who was oveseas or leave him for the amazing guy that lived 4hrs away. I stayed with my bf, and I must admit that it is hard trying to make a relationship work with your other half living so far away. It takes a lot of dedication, which I'm sure you know. Anyhow long story short we broke things off about six months later, and I can't help but wonder sometimes what might have happen with the other guy...he recently made it clear that the offer is still open, but you might not have that opportunity...so
I'm not saying who you should pick, but consider your losses from both ends...but if you do chose the girl from the states, just let the one overseas know asap so she doesn't feel like you led her on...best of luck I know this isn't easy.
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