A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My problem is my mother. I have reduced contact with my parents (I phone them twice a month and see them twice a year) because they regularly upset me with undermining comments. They have given me 'advice' (bullied or manipulated me) which has caused me to make really bad life decisions for which I have paid the price personally and regretted deeply. When I've called them on it they deny all knowledge of their involvement. For the last 4 years I have made sure I tell my mother very little but she seems to be able to pass on her opinion about me and my life as 'facts' to other members of the family so they have the wrong or even a negative impression of me. I've found this out in weird conversations with people where I've had to correct them and realise their knowledge was based on what my mother has told them. She does this in reverse - telling me things about other people so that I have a bad impression of them. Most people in our family never speak to one another and I am sure it is because of this. I've tried to form better relationships with these people despite my parents intervention but it doesn't seem to last. I have tried to go no contact with my parents before when they were blatantly bullying me but they threatened to contact the police to find my whereabouts. The result of all this is that I have no real family relationships and the one I do have with my parents is based on me not talking about my life so that deliberately know nothing about me. I am also single and childless - the last person I had a relationship with (a lovely man with a young son who I adored) said one of the issues in our relationship he had was the bad family atmosphere that exists as he had a lovely family and couldn't understand it and it was important for his son to be in a loving environment. This really hurt me so much because who can blame him? I feel doomed. Unless a person has lived with this kind of toxic dynamic I realise it is very difficult to grasp. I don't know what else to do now. My life has become 'reduced' by never quite being able to get away from the effects of all of this. I struggle with self worth and esteem all the time. Friends of mine just shake their head and say to ignore them - which is easier said than done.I do feel I have tried so many things. How can I really change the impact of my parents (mothers) behaviour on me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Denada846  +, writes (6 October 2016):
I also want to add that the man you were dating is not right for doing that it is not YOUR fault- you seem like an honest genuine woman - any man that walks away from that is a coward - listen to me a COWARD - why are you okay to accept the fact that he has baggage a kid with another woman but he can't understand your situation- non sense- that is a weak weak man that can't stand up- Try to deal with the internal crap your parents have cause you but understand you need to box your emotions and put them aside - you have a life now they ran their test run
I wish you luck from a person that is going through the same thing
A
female
reader, Denada846 +, writes (6 October 2016):
I am a thirty year old woman and I believe that I gave the same exact issues that you face- my parents are way to judjemental - manipulative - and have cause me to make and continue making the wrong decisions- their bad habits have influenced my habits etc. I can tell you one thing YOU PARENTS are who they are they will not change - expecting them to be someone else and act differently will not happen u fortunately. Take the issue at face matter - what they say or do only has an impact if YOU listen to it and act on it. Just separate who they are for a second - I argue with them a lot and ask why they can't do this or that and my therapist and my sister tell me that you can't expect them to change and eventually if you act like them you will become like them - you have to separate your thoughts and actions. If they act one way or are manipulative stand strong - they are who they are and it will only affect u if you allow it- it's hard believe me but you have to come out of yourself and see if at face value- I hope this helps I know it's tough but not every parent is right and not every parent makes the right decision
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