A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my husband for over three years, but we've only been married about three months. He has been an amazing husband! He provides for me financially and is in school(even though I work, all my money goes towards savings), he helps around the house, and just showers me with so much love. I feel our home is really supportive and loving. In the beginning of our dating relationship my husband would do drugs with his friends, but knows I don't approve and "stopped." Though he has struggled with this on and off, my biggest thing is I didn't want to be lied to (and if he doesn't tell me, it's lying). Now, I find out that he is doing it again. He normally confesses to me within a few weeks, but I found out via his phone while just looking through his text messages for fun.Should I confront him about it? He is such a successful person, I don't want him to risk his life and ours together on doing stupid stuff. How should I react to this? I feel betrayed, but not that upset. I feel I lost respect for him, but as his wife I am always trying to build him up and feel uncomfortable telling him this makes me not respect him.What do you think???? How do I avoid damaging our relationship by bringing this to the table? ps. whatever they are doing I believe is comparable to getting high.
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female
reader, BreeBree +, writes (16 November 2007):
Hi guys, I just wanted to let you know. I researched whip-its on the internet and got TONS of info - thanks for the name, who knows if I would have been able to find it.When he came home, he was in such a good mood, he gave me a bear hug and we sat down w/ our food to watch Planet Earth and were talking about our day. And I just said before we put on the movie have you been doing whip-its? True or False. He said True.I asked how often. He said once every 1-2 months w/ certain friends. I asked if he ever did it in a car, w/ a bag over his head etc. He said, Heck no. that's how people pass out and stuff. then told me how he and his friend had researched it and how they take B12 supplements and all this stuff. I asked where he gets the whip-its, how much he usually does at a time and how much they cost.He told me. And it sounded like he does them pretty safely only once in a while and never alone. They don't cost that much. So, I just told him, I want to know. I don't like the idea that other people know about it and I don't. It was a good talk, not great, not bad. I think he probably feels relieved that he can tell me if he wants to and I feel better that I know what's going on even if he doesn't always care to share every detail.SUCCESS!!! Thanks guys, you were really helpful!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): If it is nitrous oxide (also known as laughing gas), here is the Wikipedia article on it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nitrous_oxide
It is used by some dentists to relax patients for dental surgery of things like crown work. The dentist I had 25 years ago used it. In the amount they administer it makes you feel like you have had 3 or 4 stiff drinks. When it is shut off, you are "sober" in about 30 seconds. That is the only time I have had it. There are some dangers, but it is only emotionally addictive.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (15 November 2007):
 Hi,
I can speak from experience having dabbled in many things over my life.
My ex hated it , and I would do what your husband does, wait till she was away or whatever and then hang out with friends etc. Why did I do it? Pure escapism, I think a lot and love to just stand back and not think about things sometimes, a bit of pot or some nitrous would do the trick. Yeah I know it's not good for me , but it doesnt affect my work, my ambitions, my marriage (o.k I admit it my wife dabbles as well), my moods or my relationships with friends and family.
You will find that the older you get the less he does these things - I hardly ever dabble these days, maybe twice a year. Despite what you hear on the t.v and the popular press, just because someone occasionaly does drugs it doesnt make them a drug addict. Most people have jobs they dont want to lose, and houses and families they want to keep. You have the George Bush's of this world who was a massive drug addict ( cocaine and alcohol) but your husband doesnt sound like this.
Look you sound like you have a relationship that 99% of the women who write in here would give up their lives for. Do you really want to drive a wedge between yourself and your husband for something which I believe is simply a bit of escapism.
Just my two cents worth anyway, it is a very sensitive subject so I'm sure you will get some very differing views. But at least I can offer a viewpoint that is not based on religious piousness or conservative fox news type hysteria.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): Oh you mean 'whip-its.' It is nitrous oxide that you inhale from a balloon. Not sure what the long term effects are from doing it or if they are dangerous but I took it once and it made me feel like I was going to die. You lose all control of your body and just kind of shrink into yourself. I don't even know if I could breath. But yeah that is the term, 'whip-its,' if you wanna look it up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): Thanks ladies. sexi, I will have to talk to him about it because since I am upset, I can't just sweep it under the carpet. But, I think I will stress how he's so smart I don't want anything to happen to him, etc.Anonymous Female Reader, thank you for your reply and your viewpoint. I put stopped in quotation marks because now that I know he's doing them again, I am not sure if he had ever stopped, but he probably did. In the beginning of the relationship he did have a great struggle.(probably the first six months) I believe he did stop for about two years. I do have a problem with him doing drugs. But, he knows this - he's not an addict. It is something he does occasionally with certain friends, and his confessions have always been about ONE TIME things. There are things about him I would never try to change, but I don't think doing drugs occasionally is innate and I don't believe he is addicted. I would never terminate the marriage over it - 3 months in or 30 years in. I think my problem is I'm upset about the drugs and the fact that he lied, but, in my mind they go together. He only lies about things he is ashamed or doesn't want me to think bad about him for. And they aren't blatant lies, but just not telling me. I love my husband and am proud of him. I was asking a good way to bring it up, or if I should bring it up at all? And they do something with helium and balloons (inhalation type thing???) maybe not helium, but balloons. if anyone can give me info about it, I would appreciate it, I had trouble finding it on the web.
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A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (14 November 2007):
 Hi
You should speak calmly to him and then you would know where you stand. I think that you have a right to know about such things. You should feel the way you do because he has been doing thinks behind your back. You dont wanna damage your relationship but have you realized that by him doing his things behind your back and lying to you that he is damaging your relationship. Speak to him and then you can determine for sure what you have to do.
Regards,mail me if you wanna talk
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): Ok so he is not smoking pot??
Well most, actually all drugs, with the exception of pot, are bad and can be addictive. But you knew that he had a liking to this drug even before you were married, and while you were dating. I mean all I can say is that YOU KNEW. I mean you even say that he "stopped" and you put that in quotations. And you even say that he has struggled with his habit on and off while you were dating. So I will stress again the fact that YOU KNEW he had a thing for drugs, or this drug in particular. So what do you expect??
You say that what bothers you is the fact that he lied about it this time. But you go on to say that you don't want him to risk his life on doing drugs. So in other words you don't approve. Now if what bothers you is that he lied then go ahead and confront him and tell him that you found out that he was using and that what bothers you is that he didn't tell you. And problem solved. He will keep using drugs but hopefully next time he will tell you about it.
But if what bothers you is that he is using, then what do you expect?? You knew this about him all along. If you didn't want him to use anymore, then you should have made him confront this problem BEFORE you got married. But by you marrying him without giving him an ultimatim, then you chose to ACCEPT him just as he is. And he is someone who likes to use drugs. So there is really not much I can say about that. If you didn't like his habit you should have A) not married him, or B) married him on the condition that he will stop using all together. And make him prove to you that he has stopped. If you eventually felt convinced and you still loved him, then go ahead and marry him.
But you forged ahead anyways. So in my opinion that is something you are going to have to live with. While you were dating you could have given him a hard time. Broken up with him. Given him ultimatums. But you didn't. So now that you are married all you can do is help and be supportive. You can't change people dear. That is my opinion.
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