A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im in serious need of help. I have been married for 13 years. We have two kids-12 and 5 years. I am emtionally drained in this marriage. It has come to a point whereby I have long and seriously thought about leaving just to clear my head and think straight. I have not considered divorce yet but all I truly want now is some sort of trial separation, I feel we really need that if we want our marriage to survive for many other years. We have had so many rocky moments over the past years, tried to talk them through and life went on. But over the past 3 years we have drifted apart, lost connection and it feels like roomates kind of rather than husband and wife relationship. The big problem I have now is that I don't have any feelings for my hubby anymore, I cant even stand him to touch me, we are not intimate anymore. All the love I had for him is gone, completely. My question is how do I bring this idea of separation to him when we don't even talk anymore? I also have that fear of talking to him about it , lets just say I kind of fear him to some extent such that bringing up issues for discussion is like climbing up a mountain, guess it was caused by past experiences of him blaming me for evry issue that I felt we need to discuss and him being unhappy to engage in any discussion. I am in serious need of advice as to how I go about this situation. All I want right now is to b separated from my husband and I feel I am ready for this and want it more than anything. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): (IM the oroginal poster)
Thank you all for the advice.I took Blonde68's advice and went for the second option, couldn't go with the face to face dealing. I wrote him an e-mail yesterday at work explaining everything and I was honest about how I feel. SO what I did was to request for some space for a while and the response was got was 'could I explain what I mean by space so that he does not get it wrong'. I did the explaination and even mentioned that I am willing to talk about this further if he is too.The response I got was " thank you for clarifying, now it is crystal clear" and that was it. Next thing he knocks of from work, comes home and packs a few things and tells me he will sleep over at parental home for tonight because he wants to attend to some things there, no mention of e-mail, discussion, whatsoever. I do not comment or say anything, just say bye and that was it and he left. What really surprised me is the fact that I did not feel any sadness or regret when he left, instead I felt some sort of relief that I have finally let it off my chest. The kids are not aware of anything at this moment and I am not sure how to handle this with them at the moment. I have not seen or heard from him up to this point and has not sent any e-mail, not sure if he will show up at home this afternoon but he might because he did not take many of his clothes. Please advice as to how to proceed now given the way things are but I must say I am not prepared to amke any contact at this stage because I need the space and to heal. But I must say the message I got from his action is that the issues I raised are not of particular importance to him thus does not see the need to even discuss anything before he leaves or to at least discuss the way forward on this. Maybe Im wrong I don't know. Please help.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 January 2011):
 Okay, first of all, I would advise against the "trial" part of the separation. This marriage sounds like it's already in the coffin. You've tried to talk to him, you say you fear him because he doesn't want to talk about it and blames you for everything. You haven't talked for three years.
You need to tell him you're leaving (or tell him to leave depending on whose house it is). Don't get into discussions about blame, as at this point, it doesn't even matter anymore. Stay calm and talk to him about the future of your kids and finances.
BEFORE you confront him, have a "survival nest egg" ready to go, meaning you have some cash on hand for possible moving, lawyer fees, etc.
Never ever consider separation itself as a tool to get him to come back and change for you, as that usually backfires. Same with the "trial" separation, as Krennash has pointed out. If you're not ready to leave yet, tell him bluntly that you need to talk right now.
Tell him how you feel and that if he won't agree to work on the marriage with you without his avoiding the conversation or blaming you, that you're gone.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (21 January 2011):
You have two options here;
You either MAKE him sit down and pour your heart out once and for all as difficult as it will be. You won't be the first to say "we don't talk" and you won't be the last. However, sometimes it just has to be done... and that is my way of dealing with things.....face to face.
OR -
Write him a letter and explain all to him. But if you do take that route, please don't leave it for him to read the day you actually decide to leave stating "I have left you". You need to tell him how you are feeling right now, and that you are considering leaving him.
Communication is one of the key factors in maintaining a good, loving relationship, and it appears your marriage has been lacking that.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck!
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