A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all..I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for about ten months now. About a month ago, he decided he wanted us to take a step back and go with the flow, but not break-up. As a result, I heard from him a lot less, and whenever we did talk, it was basically small-talk. He recently came to visit and spent the week with me, and things were great. We were both happy and had a good time. It felt like nothing had happened. On his last night, I couldn't help but bring up what had been going on with us beforehand. He explained that in the beginning, he thought he could handle a LDR, and rushed into things just to find out it was a lot harder than he thought. I knew this from the start and told him my worries about this when I first met him, but he assured me that we'd be okay. He also said that he wants to be in a relationship with me but one that's less serious. When I asked him what he thought a serious relationship was, he said one with commitment and a boyfriend/girlfriend label, etc. So I said that without that, then our "relationship" is basically just friends with benefits. He disagreed with me, said we were more than that and he just wanted us to slow this down as we had rushed them for so long. He said that he was getting tired of a relationship based mostly on texting and that it'd be a lot different if we weren't long distance, as we could see each other a lot more often and that would be enough for us both. He's going through a lot right now, and he doesn't think that he's a good enough boyfriend to me because of all those problems. He mentioned that he doesn't want me to wait around and put up with him just to get fed up and leave him before things get better. I love him and I'm willing to wait as long as he makes me feel like it's worth it. I was at a loss for words the whole time, and was basically letting him talk while i listened. I regret that now because i realized how much i have to say to him now. It was very late, and I could tell how hard of a time he was having just trying to talk to me about this..eventually he shut down on me an went to sleep. The next day, I had subtly brought up my fear about him going after other girls. He assured me that no matter what was going on with us, whether we were talking a lot or not talking at all, I'd always be the only girl in his life. Then we were joking around about me getting a breast reduct and I said I'd never be able to find a boyfriend and he said oh, so you need to look for another boyfriend? I said no, and he said good, I thought I was gonna have to kick your butt. From that, it seems like he's still my boyfriend and I'm still his girlfriend, but in our conversation the night before, he mentioned he wanted to be less serious. I wanna say that since he had such a rough time coming up with words for what was on his mind, maybe that wasn't what he really meant?Either way, I'm confused and don't know where we stand. I know the only way to find out is by asking him but is it worth it or should I drop it and take thing slow like he wants? Our anniversary is coming up and I think whether or not he mentions it will say a lot, right? But there have been times where he's been so stressed, he forgot and I don't wanna say anything in case he did forget and end up feeling stupid because we're supposively not together anymore to be celebrating. There's also Valentines day coming up as well, so I just don't know what to do. I really love him and I've never felt this way about anyone else I've been with or talked to so I'm willing to wait until both of us have our lives on the right track and can be together. I'd be able to move a lot closer to him once I'm done with school in two years, so it's not too long of a stretch but I can't predict the future so all I can do is hope we make it until then.
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anniversary, friend with benefits, long distance, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): He's met someone else and wants you around in case it doesn't work with her or he's dating other girls. You are officially single again so I would get out there and meet new people.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): Basically you are both young and it seems he doesn't want something too heavy and serious. And perhaps that is a good thing. Just enjoy each others company when you can be together and don't think too much about the future for now. Were you being a bit too intense for him? I think by the sounds of it you are more for planning the future whereas he just wants to live in the moment. Once you have left school/college maybe a time to expect more from a relationship.
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A
female
reader, lightlilly +, writes (21 January 2011):
 I think, in my opinion....and I do not in anyway claim to know much, but I think that trying to get him to define your relationship with him would possibly push him away.
it sounds fishy that he seems to be backing away and not wanting a serious relationship, but he may not be meaning it in that way, maybe he doesn't want to txt as much because it reminds him that you are far away, thus bringing him an icky feeling when he thinks of you because he can't be with you as often as he would like, which could result in him not talking to you as often as you would want him to....
In my own experiences long distance relations were difficult because I tend to be a physical person and I would feel almost depressed that I could not hug or kiss the person that I cared about for very long periods of time.
perhaps he is feeling something similar, and is contemplating on whether it would be less painful to move on, or to stay with you
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