A
male
age
36-40,
*loudtrain
writes:I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl for well over a year now, and I think it's time that I break up with her. We are both Americans and first met 2 years ago while studying abroad in Germany for a semester. We are quite different people with very different interests, and I really think we got into a relationship because we were both lonely and struggling to make friends in a foreign country. Neither of us had ever really been in a deep relationship before and we were both virgins, and so when we first started dating we both had a VERY strong attachment to one another.At the end of the semester, we both moved back to different parts of the US and finished out college. We visited each other maybe once a month, and in the beginning skyped with each other multiple times a week. I knew that I wanted to go back to Germany after graduation. Once I knew I had a scholarship to return to Germany to study, she tried really hard to get a job in Germany to join me. She wasn't able to get any english teaching jobs like she wanted, so she applied for an Au pair position with a wealthy family in Germany. In the meantime, we have been drifing apart. I am very athletic and like hiking and playing sports, but she sits around a lot and reads and watches tons of tv (I rarely watch tv unless I'm with her). She also has put on quite a bit of weight, and when I try to address that problem she gets upset.We are now both in Germany, although still separated by a 5 hour train ride. I am a student, while she tutors children (in english), cooks, and cleans. The tutoring is great for her, but she has always been a rather messy person and she absolutely hates the other part of her job, and when we do talk, she is always complaining about it.The future of our relationship is foggy: there isn't a determined time in the future that we will be in the same city. We are drifting, and don't talk nearly as much as we used to. I don't find her as attractive anymore. When I talk with her or go visit her, it feels more like a chore than something that makes me happy.Since I've never been with another girl before, I don't really know how to break up with her. I should travel down to go see her and do it in person. But how do I do it without too much pain? What do I say? Her birthday is in 2 months and she keeps asking me if I can come to visit her then, but I know that would be a bad time to break up. Should I do it now, or wait until after her birthday? I know she is very lonely in Germany and doesn't have many friends her age and doesn't have much chance to get out of her au pair house. So I additionally feel very bad about leaving her alone.
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both virgins, long distance Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): Just tell he the truth...no sugar coating anything...nothing but the truth. She might be heart broken, but it's better to tell her now rather than later.
A
female
reader, dijoyful  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 There is never an easy way to break up with someone, but you must do this as soon as possible, the best way would be to do it in person, tell her what you have told us, they are valid reasons. You are both imcompatable and the dis-stance is to much of a barrier (i agree, leave out the part about her weight, it has no relevance for the future). She will be upset, but if your both are willing to stay friends, thats ok and might offer her some support. If you do it over the phone, be sensitive and listen to her, but stay firm, breaking things off will leave you both free to make new lifes for yourselfs. What ever you do don't tell her by email or text, thats just mean.
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A
female
reader, xX_Kitty_Xx +, writes (22 September 2010):
The best thing to do is do it in person but tell her slowly... Don't just tell her straight up that you dint want to be with her anymore... Tell her yoir situation ( but leave out the bit where you say she's put on weight coz that would not help the situation :L ) and tell her that it would be best if you two were friends. Hope this helps (: x x
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