A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI am separated (15 months) and about to get the final papers through for the divorce.Problem is I don't have any (and I mean ANY) social life and am so incredibly lonely. My ex definitely doesn't want to get back together (I really have tried believe me) and I have tried a couple of the more respectable dating sites and found that the men there were only interested in using me for casual sex. Which I didn't do before I got married and certainly don't now!I was married for 20 years and have a 3-year old child and have recently gone back to work full time. I just can't make friends with anyone. I feel so isolated and alone that I can't bring myself to go out even when my ex is looking after our son. I don't have family close by and my one friend is so painfully happy with his wife I actually feel worse when I see them.I can't stop crying and don't eat nearly enough. I was going to therapy which made life almost bearable but had to stop in order to go back to work. How do I break out of this cycle of complete and utter despair? It honestly feels like my life is over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): Have you spoken with your GP? The constant crying and loss of appetite are symptoms of depression. Not saying you are depressed but you'd have every reason to be, given the circumstances. Your GP might be able to offer you a short term course of antidepressant medication, which along with talking therapy (just an hour a week - you must be able to make a bit of time to invest in yourself) should really help you break the cycle. I am NOT advocating long term use of antidepressants by the way, just for a short while to give you the boost you need. If you can make the time for counselling, ask for cognitive behavioural therapy. Again it's a short course (e.g. 6 weeks, one session a week). You need to invest in yourself for your sake and for your young child. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Take care x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): Please try and make friends at work. Even if you just start with one friend you can go for a lunchtime coffee with. Over time you will meet other people at work and slowly begin to go out after work on outings. You do deserve a social life but you have to give yourself that chance and make the effort.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 July 2012):
 I don't have any magic solutions but I do sympathise with you immensely as I went through exactly the same. Divorced after 20 years, tried dating and found the same, guys just wanting sex or just wanting to move in without contributing anything...I dropped internet dating very quickly and some of my friends have had similar experiences so you are not alone.
People will tell you to live for yourself, do things you always wanted to do, have time for yourself (with a 3 year old that cannot be easy) but when loneliness gets a grip, it's very hard to cope with.
There are social organisations like Hens dancing, which offer dinner dates and trips for single women, or you could try something like a yoga group or gym club just to get out and meet people but the trap I find a lot of people fall into is seeing every attempt at being social as an opportunity to meet a partner and it's easier said than done. It's easy to get stuck in a rut and feel depressed so it's important to be fair with yourself and treat yourself kindly.
I am 47, my children have grown and left, so it can sometimes be very lonely, but I have gotten used to it over the years. I don't feel my life is over because I know at any moment something can change and a new adventure will come along, but I look for it less these days and for the most part am happy just being alone.
I could have been in several relationships since divorce but have never met anyone who I felt completely at ease with and the whole 'just wanting sex' thing I find really irritating.
It is really tough and you have to really push yourself to get out into the world if you want any kind of social life...but for some like myself, we have accepted that the single life is very much the only future ahead for us...and it's not at all bad :-) xxx
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