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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I would like advice on how to make my relationship with my 13 y.o. son the best it can be after divorce. His Mom and I parted over a year ago, and were recently divorced. We have both moved on with new partners, and while I wish we could have saved our marriage, we had become two different people and fell into a disconnect that we never recovered from. However, we have our son to raise, and I think she and I have a strong coparenting relationship. But, I am stuggling becuase I reminisce too much and remember the way it was...ya know, the 3 of us as a family. I miss the family element of my marriage terribly, and I can't get those images out of my head and build a strong relationship with just my son,much less with my new partner in the mix. I don't want to revisit old places too much,,,especially with my new partner, because I hate creating the illusion that I've "replaced" Mom. But old places he and I remember and we like to revisit. Too much new stuff isn't good either, because I don't want to overwhelm him with new things or seem like the past doesn't matter. I try to give him options and choices, but he is 13, and doesn't like to choose or speak up about things. He is shy and a bit withdrawn and still a bit awkward with the new GF, so I tread lightly. This past weekend was the first he stayed with me and my GF. He has his own room, which I've been careful to furnish with things he likes and feels secure with. It has helped, and he feels safe and like his room is an oasis. But he rarely comes out. We gave him ample time to get used to the place, his room, the nearby bike path and other things to do. THen we went out for ice cream and it did liven things up. I went out on a "discovery" walk with him the following day, like we used to do along a stream near our house when he was younger. We cleaned up some litter and collected rare stones, which he brought "home" and put on his desk...all positive signs of acceptance.I have plans for the summer with him, and he seems to be looking forward to it, but I sense some apprehension still. I do like that he calls my place "home" when he is there, and he addresses both of us, not just me. But it's hard to get inside his head and know what he feels.Has anyone been in a similar situation and do you have some pointers on things that were especailly helpful for your kids during the transition? How did you instill security and comfort? How did you get them to open up to a new partner/future step-parent? WHat activities with a new partner made your kids feel part of the relationship?
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female
reader, lovelyeyes  +, writes (21 March 2011):
I think this is normal for a teen to act a little distant and closes down sometimes. I don't think it realy has to much to do w/the divorce. I think your doing a wonderful job witch is still being in his life and showing him that his feelings also matter. A lot parents that go through a divorce don't even consider the childrens feelings. Your doing an amazing job w/him. Just don't force it let him talk when he's comfortable to. I'm sure he does have mixed feelings about this whole situation that's normal u should expect that if he didn't act like something was wrong then u shouldve been worried cause he's hiding his emotins. U should be a proud dad. I wish there were more Dads that cared about there kids like u do.
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male
reader, garcypher  +, writes (21 March 2011):
This happened to me three times as I have kids with three different women. I have my kids every week and just treat them the same as I always have. I take them out and tell them stories etc..When I get with someone new I always introduce them to that person when it's convenient. My kids have never had a problem with it as long as my new partner is trying to get on with them too.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (21 March 2011):
 Hi,
Sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job. I think you are worrying to much, and as long as you let him get used to it in his own pace, all will be fine.
He needs to know that you and your ex wife support him and love him, and that you can still make decisions for him together. And if he gets on with your new partners, thats a massive bonus. I'm sure you will all be fine, he may even enjoy having 2 homes (even more presents at christmas and birthdays) and its a lot better than you staying together in an unhappy relationship. At least you are teaching him that if something doesnt work out, its not the end of the world.
Well done you X
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