A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I moved city this year to live with boyfriend. We flat with his friends: two other guys and a girl. I have a hard time making friends because I'm shy and it takes me a while to get comfortable with people. Recently I've been getting on well with one of the guys we live with to the point that I would now consider him my friend as well as my boyfriend's friend. I'm worried though because my boyfriend is quite insecure and gets jealous easily. I'm afraid that he'll be uncomfortable with me being friends with our flatmate but I haven't made many friends here and I don't want to give one up. What can I do to reassure him that I only see the flatmate as a friend?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): A lot of it will be common sense. Unless your b/f suffers from pathological jealousy, having platonic a male friend can work just fine if you keep appropriate boundaries.Keep seeking to extend your circle of friends - don't become reliant on b/f and flat-mate to provide all your companionship.Don't rely on flat-mate for companionship because he has a quality that you like and your boyfriend lacks. E.g. Some women find themselves sucked into emotional affairs because their best-friend listens to them more or is more romantic - situations like this suggest that the couple's relationship needs a lot of work or may even have run its course.Make sure you spend time with your b/f without flat-mate present. You can feel like a real "third wheel" in a relationship if your partner is constantly talking to or about a third party or constantly texting them. You might live with your boyfriend now but you'll still need to spend quality time with him and go on dates etc.Don't kiss or cuddle or hold hands with your male friends. Sure quick hugs and/or a kiss on the cheek are fine for greetings or congratulations if they are acceptable in your culture and social groups but any further physical demonstrations of affection aren't really appropriate. When I see opposite-sex "friends" who cuddle and drape themselves over each other - I question how platonic the friendship really is. And so do other people.Don't go on "dates" with male friends while you're in a relationship with someone else. Socialising together should be done as a group where your b/f and other mutual friends can join in. Since this guy is a flat-mate, you will obviously have to hang out with him a fair amount but do that in communal areas. Don't hang out in each others bedrooms or away from the other flat-mates.Don't confide in your flat-mate - at least don't share personal problems with him that you wouldn't also discuss with your boyfriend. Don't discuss relationship problems or your sex lifeYou also need to be aware that opposite-sex friendships have other pitfalls. It frequently transpires in many of these friendships that one person DOES harbour romantic or sexual feelings for the other and is only pursuing a friendship because they hope it will lead to something more. It is up to YOU to keep appropriate boundaries and maintain your relationship with your boyfriend - not your friend's. If your friend starts to push these boundaries - you need to tackle this immediately.Hope this helps. Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): This is the original poster. Thanks for the advice. It's not my first time in a city. I lived in another city for three years while I earned a degree. I just moved to another city to be with him. I'm not much of a party person so the nightlife isn't really an issue. I know he does have my best interests at heart.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (24 June 2014):
 Hi,
You are in your teen years and people will come into your life and you may think they are good and mean you no harm. Unfortunately that is a kind of naive way of thinking, some people will want to befriend you simply to get in your pants, or to get between you and your boyfriend.
You don't mention if this is your first time in a big city. If it is you may be dazzled by the glamour and availability of night life. So, I think your boyfriend is only looking out for your best interests.
If roles were reversed, how would you react if it was his first time in a big city?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (23 June 2014):
This is almost a natural thing to happen, after all you are in the city with new found opportunities. I think you may feel the same way if you were in his position. Don't worry about it too much or let it stop you from living a happy life.
Time is usually a good way to allow trust to grow. Simply reassure him that you would not cheat and continue to form friendships. Be away of who you form friendships with because some people "just want to watch the world burn". All the best!
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