A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been out of high school for four years studying at university. This year I moved to a new city to be with my boyfriend. I have been trying to keep my presence in this city on the down low because there is a guy here I really did not want to know I was here. In high school he was obsessed with me. He used to follow me home and used any means possible to put his hands on me. He relentlessly asked me to go out with him and never took no for an answer. He started texting me all this sexual stuff even when I wouldn't respond or asked him very firmly to stop. He's a big guy and he makes me nervous. Anyway tonight I was out jogging and ran into him. Now he knows I'm here and knows what area of town in live in. He wants to see me again but I don't want to see him and my boyfriend really doesn't want me to see him but he can be very persistent and kinda creepy. What can I do?
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male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 EDIT: men like him target women like you of a reason. should read FOR a reason.
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (23 June 2014):
Thanks for the info.
You are too polite and too willing to give time of day to people who you want OUT of your life. I appreciate that if you are a nice person its hard to be rude like that and blank someone, but men like him target women like you of a reason. That reason being the fact you are too polite and accommodating to tell him where to go.
Men like him lack social skills, lack a sense of how they come across to others, or simply don't care. Either way stopping and talking to him is only going to make it worse not better. These people have a warped sense of social interaction and unless you blank him he is likely to come away thinking you are interested.
Changing you mobile (cell) phone number isnt difficult to be fair and if you suspect he may have your number then change it and be wary of giving it out to anyone who may not know that this guy is the way he is. I know you don't like being rude but if this guy scares you then you need to make it 100% crystal that you want NOTHING to do with him. Don't smile, don't chat, don't politely ask him to leave you alone give him NOTHING. Its important.
To be blunt, what you are doing now and have done for all this time just isn't working. Its time to toughen up and stop playing at being his willing victim/target.
You have to be very wary of what you say to these kind of people. So saying nothing is key. They neither understand nor care about the normal social rules. My ex GF was stalked by a guy who was obsessed with her. He would follow her, harass her and so on. He wasn't violent (or though i suspect he had control issues) and rather pathetic but it became quite frightening. The trouble was she told him things like "Look Norman, Your a great guy and a lovely person but im really not looking for a relationship right now, sorry." He, in his mixed up mind, came away elated thinking: "WOW she is actually apologising for not being with me! She isn't looking for a relationship now, but what if I keep showing her how nice I am, she will change her mind right? God She called me a lovely person! And thinks I am a great guy!!!" Instead of getting rid of him, it made him stalk her more fanatically.
Lots of women get stalked and its often a particular type of women that gets targeted, sorry but you sound like that kind of person. That's not a critiscm as im sure you are polite and kind, and the world would be a better place if everyone we to be like that, but we live in a dangerous world, with dangerous, unstable people. Its often best to be blunt form the start rather than, for example, letting this guy touch you while asking him to stop as you eluded to in your initial post, or asking him to stop texting.
Its time to take charge.
Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): This is the original poster. Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure whether he has my number or not but the chances are he does because I've had the same number since high school where we were in the pipe band together and therefore he had my contact details. He knows the area I live in because I was in my neighborhood when I was jogging. I did stop and speak to him briefly. I hate being rude to people even if they probably deserve it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 I am wondering the same things as Mark.
How did he get your number?
Did you try and be polite and talk to him or do you IGNORE him 100%?
And I agree ASKING him is not TELLING him.
My guess is when you ran into him out on your run YOU talked to him because you write ... ***He wants to see me again but I don't want to see him ***
DO NOT stop and chat, you don't owe him ANYTHING, not politeness or conversation. MY guess is you were raised to be polite to people and not tell them to F off and leave you the H alone. BUT this guy is TAKING your politeness as an invitation.
I'm not even sure he KNOW that he scares you. He might JUSt take your behavior as you being SHY. SO you NEED to 1. avoid being alone (as much as you can) and 2. GROW a set of ovaries and tell him, look Buster I'm NOT interested in seeing you, talking to you or socializing with you, I HAVE a BOYFRIEND whom I love very much, so BUGGER OFF!
My advice is you pay EXTRA attention to your surroundings the next few weeks see if he shows up. If he calls/text you BLOCK his number - if you can BLOCK it YOU GET A NEW NUMBER. I can't see how he can get your number without asking you or someone you know for it. So make sure people who GET your new number KNOWS not to give it out to ANYONE.
Make sure that ALL your SOCIAL media are private and your friends have privacy settings for pictures.
IF he still "magically" seems to show up around you and REALLY don't take no for an answer... talk to the local police. Because not all stalkers are "safe".
http://www.womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=178
http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/help-for-victims/stalking-safety-planning
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (23 June 2014):
Hi,
OP can you please answer me an important question? When you saw him when out jogging did you blank him like you should have done? Or did you stop and speak to him?
How did this guy get your number to text you sexy stuff? Why didn't you change your number straight away? How does he know what part of the city you live in and how do you know he wants to meet up?
Sorry if that's a lot of questions for you but im confused. On one hand you say you are scared of him, want him no where near you and so on, yet you admit that in the past he has text you repeatedly and touched you regularly.
One of the things you said is very telling. You say that in the past you "asked him very firmly to stop", but asking him to stop is not the same as telling him. People like him will persist if you don't make it absolutely clear as crystal that you will go to the police if he doesn't leave you alone and wont stand for that behaviour. If, for far too long, you put up with him stalking you, touching you and texting you, while ASKING him, rather than TELLING him to stop, he will continue.
Mark
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