A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, there's this young man. We've been together for a couple of months although we've known each other for longer than that. The mutual attraction developed slowly over several months until at one point it was undeniable, but it still took us a couple of dates to work up the courage to admit our feelings. We work in the same company but we keep it very professional and try to not make it obvious (although I think some of my closest colleagues already suspect it). We have a lot in common and even some coworkers have said jokingly that we seem very compatible personality-wise, apparently because we're both pretty shy and huge nerds. He's a great listener, I can talk to him about aything for hours and it never gets stale or awkward. He's also very caring and affectionate and made me realize how touch-starved I had been all this time. I've never felt this way before about someone else and I truly want this relationship to work.We haven't had sex yet. I never outright told him that I'm a virgin (tried to, but felt too embarrassed to say it out loud for some reason) but he pretty much guessed it at some point early on. He's been really sweet and understanding about it, never pressuring me into anything I'm not comfortable with. I'm 28 and a virgin not because of religious reasons or anything, but I've always had trouble making new friends and I guess I never met the right person before. Being a virgin in my late 20s is not something I like to talk about -once I had to begrudgingly admit to my OBGYN that I'd never had any kind of sexual contact, which was a bit awkward- but I try to not think much about it or let it affect my daily life. It's not that I'm completely clueless about sex. In fact a few random times I've found myself daydreaming/fantasizing about the idea of having sex with him and the thought is appealing to me, I do get horny thinking about it. I've started carrying condoms in my bag everywhere I go just in case, which is something I never felt the need to do before.Problem is, when we're alone and start to get intimate, my mind goes into overdrive and I start thinking about the mechanics of it and I feel... I guess you could call it "stage fright". And then my libido takes a nosedive and I freeze. I've told him as much, and he assured me that there's no need to rush and he's happy to follow whatever pace I keep until I feel more comfortable. I got self-conscious because I know he's been in at least a long term relationship before so I assume he's more experienced than me. He said I shouldn't worry about him getting bored and that he's not going anywhere. I'm feeling very frustrated with myself about it. I know it's still early in the relationship and I knew beforehand that it takes some time to relax and get used to it when you have no prior sexual experience. I just fear that things are going to stay like this with no development and was wondering if anyone has been through a similar experience.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 March 2019):
 Congratulations, you sound to have found yourself a proper gem in your boyfriend.
I think you are concentrating far too much on "the deed" and that is (possibly) why you are getting these anxiety attacks. For the time being you need to take full sex OFF the table to ease the pressure.
You've only been dating a short while. Your boyfriend is patient and understanding. What's the rush? Get involved in lots of kissing and stroking in "non sexual" areas, communicating to each other what feels good and what you like the feel of. Learn to do massages on each other. That can be a huge turn-on for many couples. Learning about what your partner finds pleasurable will pay dividends later in your relationship.
When you are comfortable with all the above, slowly move on to more intimate stroking. There is no right or wrong pace for doing this. Do it at the pace which feels right for YOU. If something feels a bit too much, pull back one step until you feel comfortable again.
Your boyfriend sounds very caring and gentle, so don't feel you HAVE to do anything with which you are not yet comfortable. Eventually you could build up to mutual masturbation. There will come a time when you WILL be ready to have sex. Don't rush it. You have the rest of your lives.
And stop feeling embarrassed about being a virgin. Rather congratulate yourself on waiting to share sex with someone who really cares.
Good luck. You'll get there IN YOUR OWN TIME.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 March 2019):
 Lots of people experience this! You're worried because of your age, but you need to treat it as though you were 18, 38, 58 or 78! Take things slowly.
If you trust him, then trust that he's not going anywhere and LET him stay for a while with no sexual intimacy to show your subconscious that you can relax. There's no need to rush it.
Being ready is important and you're not yet. When you are, things will happen naturally. If he doesn't wait, despite saying he will, he's not the guy you're meant to have your first experience with! Fantasising and being turned on is one thing, but acting on it is completely different, which is why you need to be patient with yourself.
Having condoms available just in case is great, but make sure that you're on birth control too for at least a month before having sex and stay on it! You'll also need to confirm (BEFORE YOU HAVE SEX) that you're both on the same page about what you're going to do if you accidentally get pregnant. I know it's not a particularly easy conversation to have, but it needs to be done before, not after, with anyone you're going to be sexually intimate with if there is the slightest chance they can get you pregnant.
Again: relax, be patient, take it slowly, get on birth control (if you aren't already), trust him to stay, give him a little more time to prove he'll stay (at least long enough for your BC to be effective, if you're not on it yet), have the accidental pregnancy chat, then let it happen naturally when you're ready :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2019): I forgot to mention that they also need Love. But only after they've had sex. And they want you to love them and basically that's where it stays.
Love your purity sister.
Love your purity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2019): "Guns a ho"?
if course he'll play it slow. Until he gets the chance to get right in There. And believe me, he only wants you're innocence. It'll make him happy (or so it thinks)
Hold on. Hold on.
he's not that into you!
God is more important. Religious ideas you have; or not!?. Men are needing only one thing... Sex!
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A
female
reader, Questing for Love  +, writes (24 March 2019):
 I've gone through something a bit similar, only I progressed a little farther and want to share what I learned. (This may be long, I'm sorry)
I'm 24 and at the time, the guy I was dating was 29 (we've recently broken up over other issues). Both of us were virgins. I was someone who has always been curious about sex but didn't think I myself would ever have it because I was very embarrassed by the idea of sexual acts and I was very uncomfortable with nudity, etc. I figured I would never get over that. However, that was until someone showed a desire for me. Like you said in your post, I was "touch-starved." I used to never be touchy-feely with anyone, no hugs, no hand holding, nothing; it made me uncomfortable. But he showed me how wonderful it could feel sharing that intimacy with someone. I told him I wanted to take things slow because I was new to everything, and I was slowly coming out of my comfort zone, and he said he understood. But he was still pretty eager, so he would try to push the boundaries (only as far as I would let him. If I said no, he would stop). And I found myself craving that intimate touch, the cuddling and spooning and hand holding, etc. So much so that when we started fooling around a little bit more, I was nervous but excited.
However, when actual penetrative sex started to come into play, I'd get nervous. I had once had a OBGYN appointment to get checked out down there, and couldn't do it because I was too nervous and tensed up so much it hurt. Flash forward to being in bed with this guy, and essentially I'd get the same results. I was so nervous and embarrassed that I'd tense up and it would hurt too much. Honestly, the first time we tried, I ended up crying. The pain and the intensity of the moment just got me overemotional. Talk about being too much in your own head. Basically we'd continue to fool around and do other sexual activities and just wait on the penetrative sex.
Over time, I got more comfortable with things, and we'd continue to try and I'd get a little bit further, but still couldn't stand the pain. We tried lube a few times but I think I still couldn't get myself to be in the moment. I'd still think about the pain more than letting go. (Also there was a fear of how easy it was to get pregnant that was causing me to not relax, so I got myself on the pill). I'd also think about how self-conscious I was because he liked having a light on and I wanted to be in the dark. It was a tiny bit frustrating.
Needless to say, we never ended up successfully having sex. In 10 months time. Not for lack of trying. But throughout that time, I came to a couple conclusions.
1. Take your time! Go as slow as you can - I was thrust into things a little faster than I wanted to be and though I was caught up in the rush of desire, I know now that I wasn't ready for that kind of stuff. I think I just wanted to get over my hurdle of being uncomfortable with it. It got to the point that whenever we'd fool around, my mind was more focused on the fact that things were taking too long because I wasn't in the moment. I thought he was getting bored waiting for either me to get off or to get him off. (Granted he said things were fine but I just didn't believe him).
2. Make sure there's mutual attraction - Make sure you're both physically attracted to each other. I think one of my biggest issues, was that the guy I was dating was not someone I'm typically attracted to. Not that he was bad looking, he was fit and everything, just the opposite of my typical crushes. I gave him a chance because he was the first guy to show interest in me, and I liked his personality enough. Figured it's the inside that matters more. Looks fade, etc. And sure we got along pretty well. I was attracted to the closeness between us, but I think it made intimacy a bit more challenging. I wasn't swept up in desire as much as I could have been. Granted I still craved the intimacy, and wanted to be with him, I just think it would have been more successful if there had been that PHYSICAL attraction.
3. Make sure the kisses are good - I honestly think kissing can be a good indication of how the sex may be. I didn't feel a connection at all when we kissed. He was obsessed with using tongue and so the kisses were always sloppy and wet and always felt weird. I got used to it, and even went along with it because it turned him on and in turn that turned me on, but they weren't good kisses. Kissing is such an essential part of intimacy, and if that's not good, then it'll be difficult to connect in other ways.
4. Research positions that put you in control - Honestly, this was the biggest plus for me. My biggest issue was that he was too aggressive in bed, like he'd go hard and fast, and I'd get scared that it would hurt too much which is why I'd tense up so much. I'd have to repeatedly tell him that I needed him to be more gentle, that it was the only way to get me turned on. And so after researching these positions, I'd actually take more control and it's what got us the closest to success. I felt more confident and less self-conscious when I was taking control of the intimacy. It meant we'd do things at my pace and he could just sit back and enjoy the pleasure so to speak.
5. Communication is key - Things were rough between us until we started using our words of what felt good and what didn't. I'd openly say, this isn't working, I'm not aroused enough, lets try this position instead. And things would be better. Or he would tell me something was not working for him and we'd switch things up.
6. Focus on what you DO like - You say that you guys start to get intimate before your mind kicks in, so you get somewhere right? Kissing? Touching? Find one of those things that you like and really turns you on and focus on that for awhile. Because I couldn't relax enough for penetration, we'd do things with our hands/mouths instead. (I know that's a bit detailed, but sometimes those nitty gritty details actually help in the long run. No surprises, learn all you can and nothing will surprise you later on).
If, like you said, this guy is willing to wait and take his time, that's wonderful!! That's what made things easier for my relationship as well. This guy stuck around with me for 10 months, even through our intimacy issues, and it made me know that he wasn't in it just for the sex. We met each others' families, did other activities together, just hung out, etc. And over time that made me relax a lot more. I knew he liked me for how I was and it took away that self-consciousness. He took away my anxiety and gave me confidence. I guess it taught me one more thing...
7. It's okay to be vulnerable - I was so nervous about what he'd think of my body, of how well I'd perform or not, etc. But sharing this intimate connection with someone, takes all that away. In sex, you're both baring it all for each other (pun intended). You're learning whether or not your partner accepts you for everything you are. Knowing that you have these little obstacles to get over but that he still wants to be there for you? That's awesome! Be as vulnerable and honest as you can and you'll realize that all he wants is to just be with you, and that knowledge does tremendous wonders for your confidence. Listen to him when he tells you these things, that he's happy, he'll wait, don't worry about him being bored, etc. Tell him thank you, I appreciate that. And just let things progress on their own.
I was in your shoes, and believe me, it just takes time learning to be comfortable in your own body and working to strengthen the connection you two have. It'll work itself out. Just be honest and communicate what you're feeling and it'll only strengthen the bond you two have.
(Again, sorry this is so long, but I just felt like I related to your issue a lot. I kept getting angry at my body for not cooperating either until I learned to take control and research solutions).
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