A
female
age
30-35,
*o_n64
writes:I'm a girl in my early 20's, who's never dated before or anything. People say I'm attractive so I know my lack of experience with guys is due mostly to low self-confidence and my social anxiety. Anyway, I've noticed that whenever I interact with guys, especially those who intimidate me somehow (attractive, tall, etc.) they seem to like sense my nervousness and sort of smile to themselves/smirk and come in my personal space, stare at me a lot, starting convos with me, etc.This might be considered "hitting on" me I guess, and you'd think I'd be flattered by this but I'm not. In fact I get a lot anxiety from even the simplest conversations with attractive guys my age, because I'm a bad conversationalist. I can only exchange a sentence or two with them before I start making a fool out of myself by stuttering, saying something stupid, or worse blanking out and just staring dumbly.I wish I could be smoother with guys and actually be able to have a proper conversation with them, and exude confidence. The odd thing is no matter how many conversations I've had and messed up in, I never seen to improve. It's like something's terribly wrong with me.How do I become calmer and become more confident when around the opposite sex? And do you have any advice on being a better conversationalist because I'm terrible and it affects my self-esteem and confidence. I've become very depressed over it, and feel like I'll be alone the rest of my life. Sometimes I just want to die.
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (15 November 2012):
 Have you thought about getting therapy for your social anxiety? A course of cognitive behavioural therapy might help. There might also be social support groups in your area for people with anxiety. I belong to one and have socialised a lot with them over the last two years and my social anxiety is a lot better. What's cool about it is you can relax around the other people in the group because you know they understand. No one is going to make you feel weird for saying you have anxiety and depression, because they feel the same way.
You don't have to do that if it doesn't sound like your thing, but I think what will help you a lot is a mixed gender environment of some kind where you feel comfortable. Because I think they key to getting over the anxiety talking to men is to just talk to a lot of men. I think it really is that simple. But the key is to not talk to guys you like or see as a potential date, just talk to guys as friends. Any kind of relaxed environment where you can get to know males in a neutral sort of way. And you might meet some nicer men that way, not the cocky pricks who smirk and get in your personal space.
As for being a good conversationalist that takes practise too. But to start out try and make eye contact as much as possible. I know it's hard, and a lot of people, especially women have trouble with it. But if you make good eye contact with a guy he will remember it. Also, it's easy to get people to talk about themselves. I've learned most people are more than happy to just ramble on and on about themselves, and you can keep them talking by just listening, and prompting them here and there and asking questions.
I think it's good that you want to learn how to converse effectively because a lot of women are hopeless at it. They take the approach of just letting the guy make the effort, asking her questions and all she has to do is answer them, and not making any effort to get to know HIM. We guys expect that and put up with it at first, but it gets dull fast. At some point the woman has to actually make an effort to get to know me or I'm not going to bother. So listen and then ask questions. If a guy asks you how your weekend was, you say "Fine, how about yours? Get up to anything fun?" At which point he'll talk a bit about that, and you keep him talking... showing that you have an interest in him and the things he is interested in. That's so rare, at least in my experience, that a guy will remember you for it. Or maybe I'm just boring and that's why women don't do it to me.
This is something you CAN get over. Two years ago I could barely walk into a pub, and the thought of meeting a bunch of strangers seemed like the hardest thing in the world. But I got the therapy, and joined the anxiety social group and now I can go to a dinner with people I don't know and be reasonably comfortable because I can talk to people about anything.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 I once went through exactly what you've gone through. I was extremely shy, self conscious and nervous around women. About the same age as you I discovered I better get over that fear otherwise I was going to be a virgin the rest of my life.
One of the ways to become more comfortable around people of the opposite sex is to force yourself to take a chance and actually do it. Ask yourself what is the absolute worst that could happen. A guy rejects you? - maybe -- but big deal. A lot of fear that we all feel are really improbable events that are unlikely to happen and in reality aren't a big deal.
Accept the fact you may fail and you be humiliated. Not everyone out in the world is a friendly person. But life goes on. I've been rejected -- horribly and meanly before, but I don't let it get me down. Some people are jerks and not everyone is going to like me. Sometimes when people don't respond to me it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
However, think about what success means. You suddenly have rapport with another human being and something could potentially come of it. Imagine how you would feel and focus on that.
Finally realize that people are people and they have fears very similar to yours. More than likely you are NOT weird. Most of us want to be liked and to have other people people find us interesting. Start by taking baby steps and as your build up confidence you'll find yourself having the ability to start a conversation with just about anyone. Penpal with people on the internet or start up small talk with people and build from there.
You'll learn a lot about yourself and others if you just take the first step. Have some faith and courage in yourself!
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): OP my advice would be the same as Fenders, view us as potential friends every time, it makes things a bit easier.
But understand that we guys think that's very cute. It's a nice ego boost to think a girl finds you so hot she can barely string a sentence together so don't think of it as any kind of negative in the way we perceive you. I mean there is almost nothing better for a guy to know you like him. OP do the same thing happened with friends and family? Do you find you have the same issues? Because if not then you're kind of okay because when a guy does take a liking to you and does spend some time getting to know you that means you'll eventually be able to relax with him.
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A
female
reader, Fender  +, writes (14 November 2012):
hmm i used to have this problem. Still do kinda mainly with those i like. Everyone different so my solutions may not be yours. First thing first to get more confident you need to your self doubt in it place. Like i said we are different, that what make us beautiful. No need to try too hard, be yourself and love yaself. take baby if you have too.
If you want be more socially active then you need yourself a chance. When first started i took baby step. Start with conversation. i went on lot of chat site and online dating [play it safe] i never buck the courage to date from there but it did help me with talking / typing and i feel safe cos the person couldn't see me. This to help with confidence and conversations skill.
When go dont see guys as guy :S or potential mate. This thinking always go gaga. Yes they body is diff frome ours. hey not all gal have same shape. There just people, when talk to guy pretend they your mate /co-worker this help.
Once you master this next step flirting again chat great. A you get to hear all the pick lines and will tell which one to chat up or avoid. iI place to test some your own style. i love joking around, so for me Joke flirting is nice safe practices, my flirting. When go out try it with the bartenders, in my exp 8 out 10 bartender will flirt with customer why im not sure. But i enjoy it, it big ego stroke and it fun, when you flirt back cos it turn to game of wit sometime. i was comfortable to flirt with because i know there nothing gonna happen, and i got learn the game of flirting.
then started flirting with other guys using the skill i learn. Not sure if that help. Just tackle thing at time. Conversations, confident, talking then joke flirting then flirt flirt.
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