A
male
age
36-40,
*and_z
writes:ok so here is my beef...i been dating this girl on and off for two years. we have a kid together and are now together. long story short we split up during the pregnancy and 6 months after the kid is born we been trying to be together. she moved across the country to be with me so i can see my kid because i didn't want to pick up and move to Arizona. its been tough to say the least. earlier this week we had a discussion about money. you see she moved all the way across the country to be here even after I told her "no" (out of respect for having a kid I talked to her anyway to do the "right" thing) but when she showed up on my door step i took her in cause she's got my kid. she basically said she had nowhere to go, no job, and no place to live. So whats a man supposed to do kick a person when they're down? I didn't have the heart to. I got sucked into the guilt trip.my decision was to be peaceful and supportive and patient but sometimes stuff gets to me.financially she feels because she has my kid she is entitled to my hard earned money. i cant stand it and it boils up in me. we have difference in opinions and she is the only woman i ever dated that has refused to work. she thinks because I buy myself an xbox 360 or a mountain bike that I can pay that much to give her a gift but in my opinion she hasn't really been that great of a person to give that kind of stuff and I just don't feel comfortable at that level with her since I feel she pressures me to buy her gifts because it makes her happy.her argument is that she wants to be around the kid, but she neglected to keep her job because she said it was to stressful and she didn't like it, which i find unfair and irresponsible so i have some resentment when she asks me for money to pay for her coat and winter clothes, which i feel is her responsibility, not mine, I'm not her parent, she's not my kid.out of frustration i tried to talk to her about it but there is no easy way to discuss it without her getting depressed or angry which gets me all pissed off. i dont want to break up over it and make shit hit the fan because its just stupid but then the other things add up like I feel like I can't talk to this chick or relate on any level so it just boils up and then i get depressed. its not fun. our lives are not integrated.she thinks that because she brought me my child that I owe her something or that I should be so grateful to the situation and be so happy and not have any anger or confusion over anything....I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place because I decided to give this time to work out but there are just to many problems that I don't think should even exist anyhow.the next big topic is its been a pain before she came i was playing rugby and hanging out with a group of friends and now its dwindled mostly because I been focusing on us. last week i went out with a couple of buddies and she threw a fit like I was abandoning her or something. later in the week to destress I wanted to swim or just chill out from work and other personal things and she made me feel like shit as if I was ignoring her when really i just need space to recharge my batteries which I have told her. i don't need her in my face all the time.im just not sure how to put a better positive spin on this and not get so upset when i cant get space and with her needs financially. any advice?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 October 2009):
Whatever happens, you have to maintain your child. So instead of spending the money on her, put it into a fund for you child (college fund or something). that way if she says anything, you can say that it's going to your child, like it should. Basically, she's got nothing and is clinging to you like a life raft. You have to talk to her. If you don't love her, you have to make it clear and see about having her move out into her own place. Help her find an job. Anything. You are right, you have to maintain the child, but not her if you don't love her. Start by talking to her about her own job and her own place and go from there.
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