A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hello allJust need advice on how to approach a tricky situation with my newish bf, or if I should at all.when i was younger i was sexually abused by a family member, close friends know, and i'm not asking for help to get over what happened but i'm not sure if i should talk it through with my bf of 2mnthsour relationship is just getting sexual but he hasnt seen me fully naked yet n i hav scars so i dunno if i should mention it first? i mean i'm ok talking bout it now but i dont want him to get freaked or scared or angry or somethingbut then again my ex told me he couldnt see the scars unless i pointed it out - so should i only say something if he notices (how do i kno my ex wasnt just saying tht to make me feel better?) althou i'm over it theres always gunna b times where i'm still a bit funny bout it n funny about sex so isnt it better him knowing??with my ex i had to tell him coz i was still working through things coz i'd repressed the memories and i guess being intamate with him brought it bk a bitBut how do I approach this sort of conversation?thanks in advance x x
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male
reader, metalsman +, writes (13 January 2009):
 Hi there anonymous,This is so much like my wife's story when we first got together 26 years ago now.She was presistantly sexually abused by a family friend from the ages of 5 - 9 when it finally stopped.Before we got together she'd had 3 boyfriends (well 2 boyfriends and a one night stand)none of which were long term serious relationships (in terms of time duration - the longest was just about 3 months or so) but they were all sexual relationships.I don't think she ever mentioned to her previous boyfriends about her childhood experiences of abuse but she did share it with me very shortly after we were together, and just before we became sexual with each other.I'm glad she told me because it provided me with an understanding which i've carried with me over the years about her sensitivities to sex and also her mindset on which she related to sex. i.e.until she met me she never associated sex with love, it was always just an act of physicality which you just did with your boyfriend, almost as an "expectation" of ..ok,i'm in a relationship so i've got to give him sex....sort of thing.I would definitely advise you to tell him because it'll make you feel so much better that he knows. Incidentally my wife was also about your age when we got together (19.1/2). I was glad my wife (girlfriend at the time) told me and it strengthened our relationship...after 26 years it was obviously the right thing to do..I would find yourselves a quiet moment together, in private with no fear of interuptions, and say something to him like..."there's something i'd like to share with you thats very important to me that you know and understand, it's a difficult subject to broach but i owe it to myself to share this with you, would you sit and listen to what i'm about to tell you?"...or something along those lines..Absolutely full marks to you for asking this and handling it in the way you're doing, it must be hard enough absorbing all the emotions of your own experience without having to worry about second guessing your boyfriend's feelings etc.My wife dealt with it in the way of putting it in a box within her and closing the lid on it..shutting it away.I know what she went thru' and my heart goes out to you..Please let me know if i can help further..xxSimon
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