A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Should I get married now or wait? My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years we’ve been granted since 6 months after we met. I waited all this time to get married because I felt though I said yes to marrying him I wanted more time to see how things would play out and how well we would do together for a few years. Now 5 years later his mother is pressuring me to get married saying we are living in sin. I’m so terrified to get married it’s easier for me to stay committed knowing I can walk away without penalty but with marriage I can’t or I’m violating Gods word. I want my wedding day to be the happiest day of my life but every time I think about it i get anxiety and just think I’ll regret it. My fiancé has wanted to marry me the whole time and is not the least bit scared. idk what to do I don’t want to lose him but I don’t feel ready is this normal? How did you make the jump to get married? Was it better than what you expected I need help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2020): Just adding a different perspective also.I was really anxious about marriage.I wasn't really sure why, I kept trying to talk about it, but I eventually realised why I was anxious as I got closer to getting there.a/ I didn't like the build up and expectation of a "big" day, I don't like spotlight attention and for me marriage was about my partner and i, and not the big show. So we discussed several options as to how we have the marriage, and this helped calm me.b/ secondly, whilst preparing the guest list, I realised a lot of my anxiety came from facing issues with my family, parents are bitterly divorced, and they are difficult parents (personality wise), and the extended family are not supportive, and in the end they all boycotted my wedding and turned down my invites. It was a pretty soul destroying process to face!But I ploughed on doing everything to the best of intentions, and once I got to the day, I enjoyed every moment of it, it ended up being perfect, I loved the attention everyone gave me on the day, and I had all the people I wanted to take with us on our marriage life journey, and realised that's all that counts!
A
female
reader, Justmy5cents  +, writes (16 September 2020):
 When you're ready, you'll know. You will be ready ,willing and excited to do so. I don't think it is any easier than that really.
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A
female
reader, AnnaGreen  +, writes (14 September 2020):
 You do not need to get married to be commmitted.I have been married, years ago and ended up insisting on a divorce - so much for that commitment eh.Now I am far more committed to a man who I have been living with for years, we have no intention of getting married,and it is me who does not want or need that piece of paper.But I will not be unfaithful, will not flirt, will not hurt him, will not end it.I have seen people be desperate to get married, believing it somehow guarantees the other person belongs to them, or loves them (maybe right now, does not mean they will love you in five years) or will never cheat or leave them. It can make people lazy, it can mean that once you have that piece of paper and ring on your finger you stop trying. You take the other for granted, let the mask slip and show them your true colours, including all the nasty and lazy bits.You must do what suits you. Please do not think that you are disobeying God. You must remember that originally Adam and Eve were together without being married,they might have been happy but who knows, any relationship based on you having to be single or with that one specific other person is a bit iffy! In order to be sure that you are with the right person you need choice. You need to be able to walk away from them and be with someone else. IF for any reason you cannot do thatthen what is that marriage all about and why make any commitment at all?Nowadays some couples do not live together, yet they are in a commmited relationship, some have children without being married or living together with thoughts of maybe doing that later, it all seems the wrong way around to me but it their choice.With so many marriages ending in divorce or separation it is better to be totally sure. In the case of men they can be uncertain because they worry that if they marry their woman they will end up losing a lot of the money, property or assets they worked hard for. And who can blame them?! This can happen to women too, someone wanted to marry me a few years agoand that is just one of the reasons I said no. It is no good being all rosey and lovey dovey about it and saying this should be about love, you do need to safe guard your future too.If guilt or people pushed you into getting married when you felt scared or had doubts that would lead to it going wrong anyway.You love your partner and they love you, it is more than many couples have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2020): I understand your dilemma. And the idea of "living in sin", his mother pressuring you is not helping. You say that you need to be able to walk away with no penalty. What penalty are we talking about here? Division of assets and money? Have you witnessed some bad marriages or divorces around you?Being in a committed and serious relationship equals marriage. If you live together you get stuff together, books, cars, apartment, maybe even a country house, a few pets and kids. What happens then when your partnership breaks down? You divide everything as if you were married. Marriage is a committed relationship, the one you have to decide to keep every day. No paper will make you stay with someone you do not love. When sh*t hits the fan, people show their true colors. It doesn't matter if you have a certificate or not. It won't make things worse. If you are reasonable people, respectful of each other, splitting up or divorce won't be horrible. It WILL hurt no matter what. There are no guarantees in life and no protection.Some people do not want to get married because in certain countries it really is an outdated institution. Women need to be able to "trap" someone into marrying them to show that they have values and men who really love their gfs marry them to show how much they value them. DO they get divorced? Oh yes! I'm not religious simply because there are soooo many religions in the world and they all think that only they are right. If this were true, that would leave so many people on the "wrong side of the fence". However, I am spiritual and I get your dilemma about the "God's word". But his word changes according to what people believe, religions evolve too. If you open a Bible you'll see that polygamy was normal, women were property. That too was the word of God, according to the men of those times.If you are honest, have good intentions and have compassion and respect for others (and yourself!) you cannot go wrong.The hard part is to really know what you are and accept when you change. And accept that others might change. When I got married I knew I wanted to be with that man for the rest of my life, as long as we are compatible and love and respect one another. I was 28 and I have had two serious relationships before my husband and a couple of not serious. We had been dating since I was 25. We lived together and went through some serious problems. Realities of life: finishing studies, looking for work, earning low wages, having just enough money to stay afloat... and we always ALWAYS had each others back. No matter what. So I knew he was someone whom I can trust. Even trust to get an amicable divorce if need be. Funny things is, usually people who can split up nicely do not have the need to do so.
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