A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Where do I even start? Two and a half years ago, I met a guy through a mutual friend. He and I became good friends. A few months later, we ended up having a few dates and a few kisses over the period of about a month. This time was wonderful: he would turn up with 50 roses, buy me surprise presents, take me to dinner, write me songs..I mean a true gentleman and totally sweet. Soon after this, I ended up getting an opportunity to move abroad. A few months later, while abroad I met a guy who ended up becoming my boyfriend. This guy back home and I kept in contact with the odd hello's etc. I had not thought too much about our "dates" as he is young, a very good looking guy, all the girls like him everywhere he goes, he is in a band etc and he was never the guy who fell in love or had gf's etc. So I thought he would not have thought too much of our dates after I left. He never said anything.When I came back home nearly a year later, I saw him and we went out one night. He got very drunk and told me how heartbroken he was, that he had fallen in love with me and ever since then no girl could compare. No relationship could last. I found out all of his friends/ family disliked me too because whenever he had contact with me, afterwards he would be a complete wreck for days. (Despite being very cool with me and acting like he didnt care) When I found this out I was very upset, I had no idea he felt that way. By then I was already dating another guy so there was nothing I could do about it.So, over the period of the last 2yrs we kept in contact. Whenever I was back home we would arrange to meet and he would often cancel at the last minute. Later he would confess it was because it was simply too painful and after he would see me, even if it was over a year he would be a wreck. He had told a mutual friend about 4mth ago that I was always the girl, and there would never be another me..that he wanted to be a better man to give me everything I could want. He said in the future I was the girl he saw himself marrying.I ended up breaking up with the guy I was seeing. I returned home for good about 2mths ago. When I saw him, I could tell that the feelings were still there. But he was different, nothing like I remembered. His band recently got signed by a big record label and they are starting to have quite some success. Before, he was always very respectful with me (he himself, admitted he was a bastard with all other girls, and would take girls to bed easily but with me, he never crossed that line) This time, however, he kept flirting with me sexually and asking me to go home with him. He asked me if I would be his friend with benefit. He also suggested to me that perhaps I need to sleep around a bit more and be open to one night stands. He was telling me I am attractive and I should use that to get what I want in life. He also seemed to have become a player, he himself admitted that he usually never sleeps with a girl more than twice, and sleeps with different girls every night. Let us face it - he is good looking and in his circles of models, spoilt rich brat kids, celeb type people etc. Yeah it is going to his head. He tried telling me how the feelings he had for me are still there...but at this stage, I could not tell if it was a game to him; as with perhaps all other girls. I asked him what became of him, that he was a player. He told me that I made him a player. He said that he waited for me for 2yrs and how it killed him everytime he saw a new photo of my new bf on facebook. He said that I could not expect him to be celibate and just wait for me. He said at first he started sleeping with alot of girls to try to get over me.He seemed very uncaring too. I have had some major health issues lately: one of which had become life threatening. Yet he seemed unconcerned about it. He is now just this uncaring, selfish, success/greed driven person who cares about no one and nothing (but himself) it seems. I guess I am quite hurt who he has become. He never told me how he felt: if he did things would have been different and I would have waited for him, and made it work. I came back home every couple of months anyway! By the time he told me, I was with someone.I sent him a message couple days ago just saying that I always sort of thought that whenever we ended up in the same place together again, and we were both single that we would end up back together. That I didnt now so much would have changed. He responded saying that he guess I didnt like the new him now. Then he asked me if I wanted to meet him to talk to him. I responded what do you want to say to me, to which he replied. Ok I guess not then!...and that was it. Nothing more. This is not the guy I had started falling for. People change. (Even he said this to me) I tried talking to him about it...but it seems impossible to talk to him these days. Even when I tried to talk to him about my near death, he was so abrupt saying "Well you are alive, get over it." I feel I no longer trust him. He is cold, uncaring, cynical...and I dont trust his feelings for me are now not just to get me into bed or have his fun.I guess that I would (probably) hear from him again. but then, I dont know what to say. Obviously talking to him gets nowhere...and IF I do talk to him, I have no idea he is being himself or not just feeding me a pack of lies. Most times it feels like he is playing with me now anyway. So talking to him is useless because he is at a stage where he is so long past it now. So what should I do? Avoid him all together? Keep polite, abrupt messages? Of course I have feelings for him and being around him is hard for me.Thanks all.
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celibate, drunk, facebook, fell in love, flirt, heartbroken, one night stand, period, player Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (13 November 2012):
 OP, I don't think you need to explain yourself. As you say, he was originally 'dating' you as a prank to upset someone else (nice!!!!). He failed time and time again to express how he felt towards you. It's not your fault.
The thing is, I just don't think he sounds like such a great guy. I don't think he ever was such a nice guy, and I certainly don't feel that you have made him into a player.
You know him better than any of us, however, and if you think he deserves another chance then let him prove that he's willing and able to change from a player to boyfriend material. I bet he won't .... I bet he will go quiet until you have a boyfriend (who won't be him) and then he'll start making noises again. Now is the time for him to really address the issues, and he can do that on his own without your prompting... that is if he REALLY likes/ loves you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): I am the original poster!!!!
Feel I need to clear a few things up here. Firstly, I am not interested in him now only because he is becoming supposedly successful. I come from a family of successful musicians so I have grown up around ppl like tgat. It isn't a big deal to me to want to go date someone like that. Actually it might be better to date a none musician for me.
Secondly, I always liked him but we became friends instead. I thought he didnt like me that much...like us "dating" started because he was trying to get a girl jealous (I knew, but like I said...we were friends so it started as a giggle....only after ie a year I found out he was serious. I DID like him from the start, but he was like the guy who didnt have gf's and after I left I had little contact, so I presumed it wasnt so serious on his path.
Thirdly, after a year later when I found out, I was upset as had I known he was serious I would have totally wanted to date him. But I had a bf of 8mths who I yes adored too and was living. So what could I do? I am not the girl who dumps onw guy to date another!
Just to clear up as I feel I am being unjustly judged. Thanks all
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): You don't love him now and you didn't then so just make it easier for him and unfriend him and stay out of his life. If your lucky maybe he wrote a song about you that'll be famous. Your not gonna get anything else out of this relationship. If he had been open an honest from the beginning things might have been different now your both in other places. Move on.
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A
male
reader, oneguy  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 I feel really sorry for your friend. I can feel what he has gone through for you. You never understood him because you never felt his love and never cared for him. If you felt that he'd be fine because you thought he'd get another bunch of girls, it shows how cold and calculative you are. In other words, you weren't capable of love. I'm sorry if I hurt you with this statement, but to me it seems that the majority of women are in this mode in their lives. The few who do love, usually run into bad men who abuse them. This is true of men too.
It's ok, let it go. He will go the route he is destined to. Not everyone is lucky to be given love. He isn't. He was probably mentally abused as well by his family as a child. That happens a lot.
He desperately wanted to be a good guy, but he never got the chance to, from you. He wasn't able to find another girl he'd like. That's his bad luck.
Caring for him now is too late. You will only end up with guilt. Live your life well, be happy. Believe that this is the fate of men who are torn apart between being nice guys and failing at it.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 November 2012):
Hello
You didn't turn him into anything. You said he was already the type to not fall in love or have girlfriends. And that's what he is now ...
It's not your fault and he is not your responsibility. So don't feel guilty. You didn't even know how he felt, and you didn't set out to hurt him. You have never deceived him.
I feel like he's using your absence from his life to make excuses about how he behaves. He is a player and he's selfish (e.g. not caring about your illness).
I'm not saying that he never had feelings for you, but I think those feelings have been blown out of proportion in his mind and he's using you as a scapegoat.
You're the 'one that got away', whereas he's used to getting whomever he chooses.
I think you should do this: cut contact. He's not your friend (he doesn't actually care about YOU, just in the potential and/ or past 'you and him'. He isn't available to you if he's sleeping around every night. He spoke to you disrespecfully about one night stands, as if there's something wrong with you (there isn't). He's not good boyfriend material!
I don't see that you have a future with him unless he addresses what he really wants - a steady girlfriend or a string of flings. And unless he stops blaming you for him being the way he is - he was already like that. You might remind him about that if you do get into a conversation....
It's hard to cut contact but it's the speediest way of getting over someone. You say being around him is hard, so avoid being in places you know he'll be for a while.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): Leave him alone. He's grown up and changed and not the same guy he was before. If you had truly loved him you would have never left or done the long distance thing or broken up with your ex sooner once you found out about his feelings for you.At this point he has become a major jerk - blaming you for how he has changed. Why be around someone who is so destructive and rude to you?? Because he is becoming sucessfull? Because suddenly you see him differently? Because you've realized you like/love him?Whats the point. He treats you like trash. Obviously he doesn't care (look at what happened when you got sick/injured).Time to move on and find someone worthy of your attention and love. This guy is off his rocker.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): People change, I had something like this happen too. The guy acted like an asshole but he was always in love with me, and acted this way because he was trying to "get back at me". He bragged about sleeping with other girls. Eventually I stopped talking to him because his asshole attitude turned me off. We later had a chance to talk, and I mentioned how sad I was to see him like this, that he was not even the shadow of the man I knew and that as I friend I cared about him and where he was going. In turn he felt guilty.I of course would not sleep with him, I politely told him that his sexual promiscuity and lack of respect turned me off and maybe we should be better as friends until he solved his issues.His cynical, disrespectful self is not really HIM, and is not the man I wanted to be with.He grew a lot on our time apart, I kept messages short and sweet. Always being nice but never sleeping with him, and keeping things not further than cordial. I always dressed up EXTRA nice if we met for dinner, but as friends.I deserve more respect than for him to want a once night stand. So eventually, he wised up and became the old guy I knew again.He explained that his new environment and the fact he still loved me and was so heartbroken drove him to this self defense mechanism. This guy adores me and would do anything for me, and does everyhting gto please me.Why? Because I showed him HIS Place, I showed I am a LADY not the little girls he sleeps around with. Give yourself the palce you deserve, if he wont give you your place then his "love" were just words. Keep it polite, nice, but shirt and sweet. If he keeps propositioning for a one night stand, tell him you are not interested on that. If he stops seeing you because you wont sleep with him then there is your answer to what kind of guy he became now.PS. Sorry for the typos and bad spelling I am on my phone, it is a pain to correct words!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): "How did this guy turn into such a cold, uncaring, cynical person?" He didn't. He pretended to be a true gentleman and totally sweet when her was really a cold, uncaring, cynical person. All the things he "said" and "told you" were lies. "And what do I do? Avoid him all together? Or keep polite, abrupt messages?"Avoid him all together. You mean nothing to him, never have. Any contact or communication with him is only playing into his cold, uncaring, cynical, lying, manipulative hands. Sorry, that's the way it is. Please seek counselling to help you overcome and recover from this unfortunate chapter in your life.
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