A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:*OP's Original Title* How did this happen?My boyfriend and I had been together 9 months. We'd known each other and been really in love for almost 2 years. I gave him absolutely all of me. We really were great together and always had fun and showed each other how much we were in love. He always told me how he wanted to marry me and how much he loved me. Everything was going great until one week he had phone issues. He never tried to contact me in any way. When he did get his phone back, he still didn't at least text me and say he'd call me later or anything. So after going from speaking everyday or just getting an "i love you" text from him, which was always enough for me and made me feel so amazing, he went to zero communication. Who wouldn't "freak out"? I tried contacting him and got nothing. Anyway, I went to see what was going on and he told me he wanted a break and started naming off all these silly previous fights that he had already apologized for and I had forgiven and moved on. He was extremely mean and laid out all these excuses that made no sense to me, saying I asked too much of him and he didn't have time for this shit. He'd always had time before, and I never asked anything of him, and we'd gone over this before and he'd admitted that I ask nothing of him.Which he lives 2 hours away, and he had always been able to find time to call me or just text me each day, and if a day or two went by, I was okay with that because I do know how busy he really is. Anyway, after saying all that I had finally agreed to a break. I asked if he wanted to break up and he said no, just a break for a few weeks because he didn't have time for this.A month has gone by and I had tried to contact him out of desperation for answers the first two weeks. I have not tried to contact him for the past 2 weeks and I will not. I sent him a pour my heart out, this is what really happened with all the silly fights, and do you really love me if you're throwing away what we had...and still heard no word.It's the most painful thing in the world to go from "i love you I want to marry you baby" to not acknowledging my existence. We are both 21, so yes I know we're young, but he had been so genuine and he doesn't sugar coat anything, so I know if he didn't love me, he would have just said so...I've been suffering from panic attacks my whole life, but had not had an issue with them again until all of this happened. It feels as if my world crashed down. I live alone, I'm in a new state where all I have is a job so this makes things even more difficult. I do have hobbies, but cannot pursue riding horses at this time because I live in an apartment and can't afford to board a horse in town.I wake up every morning thinking about every good and horrible thing we've gone through. After what he's done to me, I hate him, but I love him at the same time. My heart races, my stomach turns, I feel nauseous all day long and cannot eat like I used to.I tried not making him my whole life, but I guess I felt what we had was so real, I never had to worry about him not being there. This all makes me sound pathetic, I know it does and I hate feeling this weak.How can you love someone so much one day, and want nothing to do with them the next? And no, nothing changed. He changed. I know there isn't another girl because his roommate wants to date me and I'm sure to get me to date him, he would tell me if there was another girl.So now what? How can I get over this? I've bought books about breakups that have helped me on the whole outlook of this about how if we were so perfect, this wouldn't have happened.But still...anyone have any words of advice or encouragement? Anything would help. Sorry this was so long. I had always believed in him, even when no one else did.
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female
reader, [email address blocked] +, writes (21 July 2010):
trust me when i say i know exactly how you feel im going through the SAME thing i was with someone for 7 months everything was fine then out of nowhere he completly stopped talking to me he just cut me out of his life like i never meant anything to him.. i am still going through extreme heartbreak its been two weeks of no contact and just thinking of him makes me sick and i start crying out of no where its the worst feeling in the world like just the thought of never seeing them or hearing from them ever again is a lot to handle. but like everyone says stay busy it really helps.. what i have been doing is picking up a lot of hours at work and going out with good friends it keeps your mind off of him and slowly you will find yourself thinking of him less and less as days go by but it will take a while.hope this helps good luck and stay strong.
A
female
reader, CanadianMom  +, writes (18 July 2010):
Do you think he may have moved on to someone else? I know it is very hard to let go, but you have to. Life goes on and either you go with it, or you will be stuck where you are. He let you go, but you won't let him go. It's time to move on. Good luck!
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female
reader, So HURT +, writes (9 July 2010):
i feel your pain, i am going through the same thing, my boyfriend one day loves me, the next day i feel like i hit a brick wall. he broke up with me after 4yrs. my stomach is sick, can't eat or sleep and dont want to do anything. i have no advice, i'm sorry, i'm looking for some myself. but good luck to you.
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female
reader, peggypoo +, writes (5 July 2010):
Being ignored/rejected is probably one of the hardest things to overcome. I am still driving myself nuts wondering why a guy i have become interested in stopped replying to my emails after three years of communication. I see that he reads it as myspace tells you it was read. And thats what hurts the most. So i definitely know what youre going through. The stomach pains, the tossing and turning, loss of appetite, i still get it. The only thing that helps me sometimes is just saying to myself "better now than later." Because imagine if this happened ten years later. At least its only been two years together. Imagine ten. And thats what helps. I wish i knew the answer because i too would be benefitting from this.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 July 2010):
 I can't tell you why other than I believe your man was emotionally immature and when his feelings for you grew he got scared of them. Maybe he started questioning his own feelings. He figured out he just wasn't as ready for this serious relationship after all. It sucks. I know. I've had that happen to me too! My ex was soooo lovely and we barely ever fought at all, had a great time together. He asked me to move in with him, a few weeks later he suddenly he drops the bomb: "I don't think I love you after all". Great, huh?
Men. Who knows what goes on in their heads. Some apparently jump into things without checking that they are okay with it themselves, get cold feet or who knows.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010): Oh my gosh. I am stunned. This is exactly the same thing I'm going through right now with my boyfriend. He had phone/computer issues as well, and has stopped all communication. And just like your guy, mine was all sweet and lovely before too. It's gone from 'love you baby. want to spend my life with you' to nothing in a matter of three weeks! I'm sorry I don't have advice, but know that you're not alone.
And by the way...you don't sound pathetic at all honey. You sound like a very intelligent young woman who's just had her heart broken. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. It's a nightmare to go through. I do wish you the best.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (4 July 2010):
 I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. There are a couple of things I see from an outsiders perspective.
I believe what you had was real and somehow when he had his phone issues he disconnected. I think he liked his independence and had time to give the relationship some serious thought. This is fair to do but what is not fair is slicing you out of his life like he dis with no explaination. That was cruel. He did it because he was afraid of confrontation and perhaps afraid he would be talked back into a relationship he wasn't sure he wanted. All of his excuses were just that. He was trying to convince himself and perhaps you as well but the why doesn't matter. He's lost his feelings, doesn't want a relationship and has moved on. I think he said he wanted a break because at that point he wanted to keep his options open but after 4 weeks of ignoring you, he wants a breakup and is too much of a coward to sit you down and honestly tell you.
This is all too bad because when people have good relationships and truly love one another the honesty should be there and one should want to make sure the other has closure. He is immature in this respect. I don't think it means he didn't love you.
You need to forgive yourself for what happened. It is NOT about you. The excuses were just that, him trying to justify the breakup and put it on you but the fact is that people do change and feelings change and this breakup is ABOUT him. He moved on.
So, this is a breakup, you had a wonderful relationship (which I know now feels not so wonderful because of the way it ended) and in time you will benchmark your new relationships on this. Do not be afraid to try again. You are wiser and you know what a good relationship feels like. You will have another relationship.
I'm not going to say all the sappy things like it'll get better or you're better off now, etc. I know you are hurting and it will take time. But soon you will dust yourself off and get back out there. If this guy asks to come back into your life you need to be aware that he is the kind of guy who will bolt when the going gets tough AND he is a very poor communicator. Don't let him waltz back in without some trepidation on your part.
All the best...
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 July 2010):
Some people are like propane tanks. Instead of dealing with problems, they neglect them and pressure starts building up. On the surface nothing seems wrong. They have shoved away their problems and will continue to do so. Then, at one point it just gets too much. That's when they snap and do all kinds of things that seem out of character.
Your boyfriend sounds like such a person. I'm not saying that's a right way of handeling things. On the contrary. But everyone deals with things in different ways.
Retracing your steps to see what might have been the breaking point can be hard. So I suggest you don't get wrapped up in the 'what if's' and all that unless you know of a clear incident that really upset him. I guess all you can do now is give him time and pick yourself up again.
It is not fair of him to just throw a bomb (that consists of all tiny problems stacked up) at you like a lightening bolt in a clear sky. So if he comes back apologising, you two should really talk about how to handle problems in the future, because otherwise you might as well give up now. this is not acceptable. For neither of you. Don't blame eachother, but talk about possibilities.
But before that, stand up straight and prove to yourself you are not half a person without him. Is horseback riding your only hobby? If so, find something else. I picked up drawing again after years of not doing it. I tried out breakdance even though I don't have the 'right athletic background'. Just try new things that always intrigued you, even if you think you won't be good at it. Get out of your comfort zone. You're in a new state. Well, do some exploring so "new" becomes "familiar". Go on a roadtrip. Take a friend with you. Clear your head. Go skydiving. Something that takes you away from where you can dwell on your relationship.
He took the liberty of taking off and leaving you to pick up the pieces. Well, you're entitled to your own break. And then, when both of you have cleared your heads, you can take a look at this puzzle and see if you have all the pieces to put it back together in a way that satisfies the both of you.
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female
reader, jellybeans20009 +, writes (4 July 2010):
There are times in life when you need to snap yourself out of it. This is one of them. You are a human being, above all else. You are flawed, you fall sometimes, you are weak. Admit it and accept. However, you have a choice every time you fall to get right back up.
What he's going through has nothing to do with you. It doesn't mean that you're any less than you were. It doesn't mean you aren't lovable anymore. It means that he put himself in a position where he might lose you and everything that you guys had.
Don't become the victim.
It is awesome that you guys were able to have this romantic time together. But love isn't like this magical forcefield that will protect you from the world, as you may already know. I know it's an intoxicating and addicting idea, to lose yourself in someone, but as far as I know this has never ended happily.
You need to take care of yourself and know who you are. Your life doesn't revolve around someone. Things and people slide in and our of your life. This isn't to say that you should never let yourself fall in love or want to care about someone, it just means that you need to take care of yourself first.
You might also want to think about if this person is the right one for you. A person might start out to be the perfect match for you. But if later on he proves that to be wrong, then he isn't. Every moment should be a test to whether or not he's the right one. You can't cling to the idea of what was before. People change and evolve everyday. You can't expect anything to stay the same. It's not possible to ask that of someone.
So if this ends, you've loved someone. You can say that. Not everybody can. Some people have never been kissed or felt a hug because of medical reasons or etc. You'll be able to tell stories. You've experienced life, and you won't have died saying you were too scared to have taken a step toward anything dangerous or worthwhile.
I hope things turn out good for you, but if it doesn't it's not the end. You can learn from this. Be strong. We have to be.
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reader, c.lili  +, writes (4 July 2010):
 I feel like I'm in your bf position... I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. A month ago I said to him I was feeling a bit different about us and he got a bit depressed that week, I saw that he didn't study much that week and his grades were going to suffer so I put on my act and pretended to be great with him again. And now we are in July and I feel shitty because I'm pretending that everything is fine just until exams finish.
He's going to feel like you:
"How to we go from extreme love, talking about holidays together, trips, to be together 4ever to wanting to break up with me? "
I feel we have grown apart, different goals in life.
The point is I don't feel the same, so it's over, no point on pretending anymore. It's not fair for anyone. Maybe your ex just doesn't feel the same (at least he's not with you pretending like I'm doing with my bf).
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010): That is a hard situation and I can tell you from experience that things will get better. You would be surprised how much time heals wounds. I don't know why he has let go so easily or without warning....only he does and you have to be prepared to never get that answer. You need to worry about you and your struggles. It definitely makes it harder when everything is new in your world, I agree. You also do not sound pathetic, you sound like someone that has had her heart broken and this is only natural to feel this way. It sounds as though maybe he is scared of a relationship at this point and suddenly realized they he was too young for something so serious. You've said that you have written him and he hasn't answered? Don't send him anything else, if you feel the need to write, keep it in a journal for yourself....it's very therapeutic. But do not waste any more of your time trying to get answers that you may never get. You are better than that and you deserve more.
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