A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I were long distance. He's a social butterfly and he's loud and I know how he acts around people. I know he couldn't put up with the loneliness if I wasn't there with him, so I used to ask him to let me know if he had feelings for someone else or didn't have love for me. I would definitely be cool and let him go. He told me that he would do so if it really happened, and reassured me that the only one he wanted was me. However, he dumped me without saying a word. He just threw me away like crap. I asked for closure a month after the breakup. He only told me that I was clingy. How could I be clingy if I wasn't there with him? I was heartbroken but had to accept the fact that he wouldn't come back. Three months later, I found that he has a new girlfriend. I really don't think I deserve this nasty breakup. We had been through too much. I was the only one with him when his best friend and dog died and I helped him deal with his long and difficult courtcases. He knows clearly that I did so much for him and he owes me. I understand we wouldn't work since we're apart and we had too many fights, but I just wanted a nice breakup. It's been a year after he dumped me. Part of me wanted him back but he never did. Part of me hate him too. I just want an apology from him. How come he never feels sorry?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 May 2014):
 You asked for closure and he gave you the best he could.. you were too clingy… and you can be clingy over an LDR relationship.
LDRS are hard but I don’t think that they are fake as one poster said. IF you have met the person and you are LDR for a reason until someone can move then it’s a very real relationship.
LDRS where you have not met the other person in real life, do not get together regularly and have no plans to end the distance are not real LDRs… but that’s an aside.
You want an apology… well he doesn’t think he owes you one and you are not going to get it. You are also not going to get any further closure from him. You have to make your own peace with this.
Sadly relationships are not fair. They are not about what you do or do not deserve. EVEN in the most amicable of situations a break up is never nice. YouWish has said all I need to say…
Oh and to say he “owes me” shows that you did not give your love freely….. because no one owes anyone anything (except money lent or owed) in love. You give your love freely and they give back what they can.
If what he gave back was not enough you had the right to leave him. What you had to offer him did not meet his needs so he had the right to leave. And he did.
It wasn't that you were not good enough
It was that you were not right for him.
You are right for someone but as long as you hold on to this hate and anger over a relationship that is long dead, you will not find someone else.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 May 2014):
 I agree with YouWish, there are no nice breakups. Except maybe if both the parties are so sick and tired of each other , so anxious to get their freedom back at the same time, that they both exhale a sigh of relief in parting ways, but it happens seldom. When there's a dumper and a dumppe, the dumpee, or, anyway, the one who still has feelings , won't like it, in whichever form it comes.
You want "closure " because you do not accept HIS reasons for breaking up , so for you they were not valid reasons and you'd want him to come up with something different. But his reason was, that HE found you clingy ( and yes, of course you can be clingy even from a distance ! even more so ! ). Maybe you have different definition of clinginess , but in practice he wants someone who is more independent, less attached than you , in short- you are not really the person he'd feel happy being with, and this is as good a reason as any.
Of course , the vanishing act was rather brutal. Coward too. He SHOULD have explained you things, etc.etc.- he did not want to drag it on, he did not want to cope with your anger and tears and objections . I must say I guess this break up came out so unexpected and incomprehensible to you, because maybe, being in love, you did not want to SEE things . He only mentioned clinginess, and I am totally reading between the lines here, but, ...there a few meaningful details that are quite visible to an uninvolved eye :
you have very different and not very compatible personalities.
He does not like to be alone and he' d be better suited to have someone local.
You have been through too much and had too many fights ( your own words ). PLUS, he finds you clingy.
Well, I understand that maybe it's asking you too much, but if you could see it through his eyes, does this seem a good r/ship to you ? It sounds to me like something he could get very TIRED of eventually, and so he did. Of course this does not absolve him for just going AWOL on you one day, if this is what he did. If any, maybe he should / could apologize for this. But, apologizing for getting tired, for realizing that he likes other types of women and of relationships ?, apologizing for wanting something diffent , more suitable to him ? Why should he apologize !, that's what dating is for. You get to know people, if it works you carry on, if it does not, you break up. Neat and simple.
AS for : he knows that he owes you- no, if it's not money :) he probably does not know anything similar. Because he actually does not owe you anything. All you did for him, you did it for love, of your own will, no pressure and no strings attached. You did it ( hopefully ) because you wanted to, and because you were happy if you could make him happier- not because you were expecting something in return, and least of all reciprocation.
What you do in love ,you do it freely, if you do nice things because you count / expect / demand nice things back, then
you introduce in love an element of manipulation and entitlement that 's out of order- and usually leads to bad feelings, as in your case. It's better to do for people only what you would do ANYWAY, whether they'd show gratitude or not.
You are not going to get an apology from him, after one year- maybe you'd get one if you start pestering him and he decides that saying Sorry is the only way to shut you up , would you be happy with such a "heartfelt" apology ? I don't think so.
As for why he is not feeling sorry, well, I understand that you cannot see it this way atm, but ... the only thing he SHOULD be sorry is the form ( the rude dismissive breakup ), not the content. He got rid of a relationship that was not working any more and was not making him happy, and that's sure within his rights, he should not have to apologize for wanting to be happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2014): I think because the relationship was long distance it was doomed to fail. Imo, ldr aren't real, you're not with the person very much so you aren't really in a relationship therefore.
That said it's a shame your ex isn't mature enough to at least properly discuss the reasons for the split. It sounds like you were good to him and he is not such a nice person. I suspect he was cheating on you most likely which is what happens in many ldr.
Sometimes there is no explanation for someone's bad and crazy behavior other than that they have mental and personal issues and you just have to try to accept it somehow and move on as best you can.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 May 2014):
 There's no such thing as a nice breakup. Even the most amicable, the most friendly, the most noble of reasons still hurts like hell.
I can tell in this one post why he thought you were clingy. You needed constant reassurance. You wanted to be his everything, and you wanted him to be your everything. Constant reassurance drains relationships. It puts pressure that can't and shouldn't be there. Creating crises and drama and constant reassurance breaks relationships, and your ex broke under the weight of it.
Also, this here: "He knows clearly that I did so much for him and he owes me."...no, he doesn't. Relationships can't be based on owing or feelings of entitlement. You did what you wanted to with a manipulative string attached, and that in itself is clingy and a bit obsessive.
It's been a year. You're not going to get an apology. You need to move on because you owe it to YOURSELF to move on from the guy. He doesn't have to feel sorry because it's over and you two are done.
You asked for closure and he was honest with you. You can either be your own closure and end the obsession, or no amount of apologies, post-mortem discussions, explanations, or further contact will ever be enough for your bruised ego.
Now I'm going to talk to you straight up. You're 26-29. Will it be your 30's, 40, 50's until you get over this? Will your looks dry up and you get bitter and obsessive before you move on? Will you actually stop being defensive and admit that it is over no matter how nice, mean, painful, closure-filled, apology-lacking ending it was?
Enough time has passed. Enough.
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