A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How come men get away with playing reverse psychology with women when they are dead wrong? I snooped and found something that i really wanted answers to. If its true i will have trust issues with my husband.Well, i tried to control myself but he sensed something wrong. He asked and i asked him if he's hiding something from me and that if he doesn't tell me I'm done and moving on. Was the moving on part something wrong to say? Now he has blown that statement out of porprotion that im now the one feeling bad. I love my husband and just wanted answers.Now I'm left without the truth and a bad taste in his mouth that now makes me feel so bad.Wise women, how do you confront your spouse about issues when you don't want to admit you snooped? I've he women that said they just don't ask and some whobjust go with the flow because men are goid at turning tables.I hate how I'm feeling. What should i do. Even if we fix the silent treatment part, there is still that unerlying issue i am trying to get to the bottom of. How do i now approach it again? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2015): Hi. It all sounds a little odd here- sounding like you are starting you will have trust issues if its true, but its not cheating on you etc etc....i can't work out if you are worried about something that will fundamentally rock your relationship, or that you are being unnecessarily dramatic?Bottom line is this in my opinion: If he lied or didn't tell you the whole truth- for instance if he was unfaithful in a previous relationship and didn't tell you, I would suggest this might be because he knew you would have finished with him and he wanted you to know the person he is now and the person he is with you maybe? That doesn't make it ok, but it doesn't mean he automatically will do it again either. What he did before he met you isn't something he should have to explain in the same way s if he had done it to you or since being with you.If your marriage I'd good and strong, maybe you need to show him you want to understand him and his reasons and that it was BEFORE your love surrounded him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 July 2015):
 What can you do?
Not much, honestly. It's like the whole you can drag a horse to water but you can't make it drink (unless it's thirsty).
He isn't "thirsty" about sharing the details with you. If it's something from his past (before he knew you) me may not even think it's your business and that could be another reason he is dragging his feet.
And maybe you have to decide if this IS a deal breaker or not. Can you be with him and let go of this past (if he shares the details) or is it the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back? You say " If i let him off the hook this time he will do it again. " So KNOWING that... do you think him talking about will prevent him from doing that (whatever it is) again? Or will history repeat it self over and over in ad nauseam?
Trust is a corner stone in a relationship. And if he has shown that he ISN'T trust worthy, you got a crumbling foundation and at some point the relationship is going to topple - because if what HE is doing.
If talking doesn't work, I really don't know how you can get through to him.
In my book if people KEEP doing the same thing (like cheating for instance )it's a CHOICE they make, KNOWING that it hurt their partner. Because they DEEP down (or maybe not so deep) don't think what they are doing is wrong. So you end up with two people who really don't share the same values.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou the most backward logic ever. It's so much easier to say the truth. If i let him off the hook this time he will do it again. We have not really said much to each other so far so i don't know how to begin the conversation. Im exhausted and feel like dropping it at this point. What else can i do?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 July 2015):
That is backwards, it sounds more like a guy wanting more time to come up with a GREAT excuse rather than tell you the truth. (to be honest).
Since the bee is out of the beehive - I'd just ask him to explain what's up - no need for the sister to get involved. SHE is not married to you.
He is also going on the offensive, but accusing YOU of not loving him unconditionally to whatever, BECAUSE it is easier then JUST fessing up to you. Or so he thinks.
Some times male logic is odd.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter he flared up he told me he knows what i want to hear but this is not the right time to tell me. He also said he wanted his sister to help shed more light but the said sister is not on talking terms right now. So i don't have to show him evidence. He knows whatsup. Now he really thinks i should be waiting for him to be ready to tell me. And wait while he us now questioning my love? What type of backwards thinking is this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2015):
You asked the blanket question because you didn't want him to KNOW that you snooped.
Because ASKING a "blanket question" shows trust issues or you wouldn't have asked. And your husband isn't dumb. He knows something is up.
SO whether he WANTS to or not you two need to talk this out. You need to be upfront with your suspensions. I agree with FA that ASKING him point blank with the added statement, DO YOU want to work on this or not?
You tossing out a half-assed (pardon the expression) ultimatum does NOTHING. (for you) it only puts him on the defensive.
And I get the feeling trapped, but... divorce IS an option.
Don't accept the silent treatment.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (27 July 2015):
 Well since it was legit for you to open his emails to check bank statements, then it was legit that you saw his email about his past/background. Why not just bring it up directly and ask him?Another thing you need to ask yourself is, IF what you found about his past is the truth.. do you still love him and able to accept him to stay in this marriage with him. I am a believer that the past is the past. We are humans and we make mistakes... if we are able to recognize our mistakes and know to never make them again, then we deserve another chance. Now, you are saying that it's so horrible that it would send you to a mental institution if you find out its the truth... then maybe you are better off leaving him.. as neither him nor you wish to be in a mental institution. May I ask... is that also a tad bit dramatic too?Bottom line is.. are you able to accept him for who he is now.. if not, let him know and leave. It is not healthy for either of you to stay in a relationship full of distrust and resentment. You're going to go crazy trying to dig more into this past issue if you can't let it go.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 July 2015):
 Two ways for him to look at this. One he is guilty and hiding something. You demand that the tell you what he is hiding, or else. As a guilty person he is thinking what does she know. If he confesses the wrong thing he will get in even more trouble. He is already in trouble, telling you he actually is hiding something will not get him out of trouble. No win situation.
Two he is innocent and you ask him if he is hiding something, or else. If he tells you truthfully that he is not hiding something you won't believe him. He makes something up that is different from what you found. now he is in more trouble. No win situation.
So, you backed him into a corner and he is wildly guessing. If you had printed out the suspicious email and said. "I want you to explain this to me." Then he could tell you the truth, either good or bad. You could still not believe him. But at least there is a possibility.
If you had come to him and said, "I found this and I think it means this is going on. Do you want to save this relationship?" Then you have offered him what you are telling us. You love him and you want to make this work.
You can ask for a do over and try this again. That is your best course now.
By the way, it's not just men. Almost every cheater will start the defence by accusing the betrayed person of snooping and not trusting them. It is about the same as saying "hey I wouldn't have shot the kid but I saw him stealing candy." Suddenly you feel guilty, when what he is doing is so much worse than snooping. In marriage the expectation is fidelity, not privacy.
The standard advice for a person in your situation is to go dark and collect evidence. Then when you have all the evidence you need, confront. Now that you have confronted, if he is guilty he is hiding evidence as fast as possible.
Next standard advice is to expose the affair. It is the best way to end it.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie i meant both. Move on don't ask again and carry on resentment and ultimately the desire to leave him if he refuses to tell me. I asked a blank question because i don't want him to think trust issues led me to snooping as we didn't have any issues. And i don't want him to start hiding things from me.Honestly he doesn't need a sit down talk. He had too many chances. We are married now. I'm now stuck with the work it out for better for worse or get out early while you can since he messed up. I hate this feeling. We had such a great relationship tears
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2015):
By asking him if he was hiding anything you gave him a blanket accusation (basically you told him, I think you are doing something you shouldn't be doing, but I won't say what I'm accusing you off, I'm JUST accusing you).
IF you snooped and found something, THEN show it to him and ask him point blank what up with *whatever you found*.
Don't BEAT around the bush. Bring it out in the open. IF you want a DIRECT answer, ASK a direct question.
The silent treatment? Doesn't solve a thing. And that is such a cheap trick to use, because he KNOWS it makes you feel bad when he refuses to talk to you.
But here is the deal, IF you two can't SIT down and talk like a couple of adults... nothing will get resolved and you will both carry around all this anger and resentment.
And what exactly did you mean with your " I'm done and moving on. " Is that a I will leave you if you don't tell me kind of ultimatum or I will drop the subject and just resent you quietly...?
So put on your big girl panties and tell him to sit down and talk/listen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk there was no reason to not trust my husband. We've never fought. We are really close. Talk everyday even while he's away. I opened this email for him and check it often because of bank statements. What i found is not infidelity. I'm certain that's not going on It's a fact he lied about something about his personal life when I asked before we married. So I'm distraught. He had no reason to lie at all. So why did he? So this is why i needed answers because now the trust could be slightly broken. I've kept it 100 with him. This is big for me because i see him differently now unless there's a major good reason that i may understand.We are newly married couples and i threw that im walking away if u don't tell me out of hurt and pain. Yes its a lil dramatic but that lie can lead me to a mental institution. Yes it's that serious because it could have been a determining factor for us to not have married so hurriedly if i had known. I love this man so much. He doesn't seem like the type i can't trust. He's open about everything else to a point i think he shares too mych so why this. And then flip the script saying he can't trust my decisions anymore by saying I'll move on. Wow really I'm trying to be nice dude. You wronged me badly.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 July 2015):
 He either is dead wrong or you are not sure what he did. Needing clarification is different from wanting him to admit he's unfaithful. Snooping does not help unless you find 100% proof that he's cheating. Until then there's not much to say. If you want to approach it again, highlight behaviours of him that's suspicious besides what you saw on the phone. Examples would be being distant and inattentive. There has to be reasons why you were mistrusting him at the first place that made you snoop.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (27 July 2015):
It is quite dramatic to say that if he doesn't give you the answers your're seeking then you're moving on. He has every right to be mad about that statement. A marriage should be a lasting vow and not something taken so lightly.
As for you snooping and finding something that will bring out trust issues if he doesn't clarify himself, then I will suggest to be honest and upfront about it. You are married. Tell him you looked in his things and found..... and you were wondering if.....
Communication and honesty is key to every relationship, whether married or not. If you want him to be honest with you, you will need for first be honest with him.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (27 July 2015):
There seems to be many strong words at play...reverse psychology, confrontation, silent treatment etc. You both seem to have some communication issues. Something seems out of synch and I can't exactly tell what it is. Perhaps there is more to your marriage.
Is the "im done and moving" meant to imply that you are leaving him? Or does it imply that you just want answers and you dont care who gets hurt when you demand them. As you can see I am not sure myself.
If your underlying issue is trust, then you either find facts or work on your relationship. I hardly think asking for answers ever works out or solves anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2015): If you are ashamed to admit that you snooped, guess what you should not have done?
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