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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have a very complicated situation. I hope you can help.My life turned very challenging in the last year, and I don't know how to deal with things. Here is the short version of the story. I just lost my daughter, less than 1 year ago, from car-accident. Shortly after that, I lost my job due to depression. My marriage is falling apart from grief, but my family, who lives a different part of the country has no compassion for me, or for us. I'm going to counselor once a week, and she advising me only care about myself, as my condition is not good enough to care for others. But it is conflicting with reality.. And on the top of this, my husband's mother is dying at 92, and they want us to care, and help, and be compassionate. Even so, they were not there for us in our grief at all. They think we are obligated to care just as much, than those who are around her. Even so we can hardly deal with our own grief of losing a 20 year old, and having other serous problems. I know it is very tricky, and hard to understand it, but what is your opinion? What should happen? How can you take on more, when you are already overwhelmed with pain? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 It's a delicate matter. You are perfectly right , of course. In the death of a young person , there's something brutal, innatural, twisted, in the death of an old person- we all have to die , and she has lived more than most people.
Logical and rational, elementary, in fact, but you miss an important detail. This is not any 92 y.o. lady. This is his mom. Either of sheer love if they were close , or of sense of duty if they weren't , it's normal that his mother and her imminent death loom very large in his life.
Again, I don't think you should battle to impose your point of view, it's a lost battle. You can talk calmly to your husband, explain him that you ask respect for your shared grief, and particularly that you need him to your side, physically and most of all emotionally, to get through this ordeal. That's one of the main things marriages are about , even if people tend to forget it : helping each other in times of need.
But other than that, go easy on him. Don't make him feel he is a wimp for letting his family pressure him, and don't dismiss as silly his sense of guilt . Use positive reinforcement, tell him how much you appreciate not being alone to carry the weight of your grief, reassure him that his frustration is normal,in wanting to help his family but not really being able to, praise him when he stands up to excessive requests , and encourage him to take care of himself and his own healing : an empty cup can't quench anybody's thirst.
My best wishes to you for better times and all the peace of mind you can get.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): Dear CindyCares !
''Maybe he'll find the guts to tell his relatives to back off and respect his grief. ''
You are so very right with this, this exactly ,what I want. To respect our grief.
Because ,maybe I would care more for them. But this way, I feel , terrified, that how can they not see, that losing a 20 year old is a tragedy, and dying at 92 in natural.
Sad, but natural. I feel , they are abusing my husband ,with their guilt trips. It is very damaging in our situation. My biggest problem is ,how am I going to make my husband see this?
You helped me to find the word, I was looking for,''respect''
thanks
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 May 2011):
Your husband's family is pressuring HIM and making HIM feel guilty. As long as they don't want YOU to take care of your mother in law, back off and let him deal with his family and his problem.
This is not as cold and callous as it may sound. First, this is an exceptional circumstance, you need to take care of yourself , not to mother an adult man. You are his wife, not his mom, it's nice that you want to protect his feelings and make life easier for him, but...that's really not the right time. Second, when we decide that another grown up needs us as a buffer against ,basically, the challenges of everyday's life , we think we are nice but we are in fact patronizing and condescending : who told you that your husband won't find the best solution, at least the best for him ?. Maybe he'll find the guts to tell his relatives to back off and respect his grief. Maybe, in fact, he will find peace and comfort doing something for a person he loves deeply.
Make clear that YOU have to take care of your own healing now, and don't let anything and anybody interfere with this process.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): Thank you very much for the answers.Yes, my husband's family do pressuring him ,and making him feel very guilty about not taking part in the care. And , I feel it would be really not possible for us ,yet he is not able to stop it.It is causing a lot's of tension between us, because, I cant believe,how much they demand, yet they dont care about his grief.It is a very tough situation, and yes I do believe we need care about each-other, the most ,but hard to convince him. It is risking too much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): The simple answer is. You can not take on any more. Keep going with your counseling, listen to what she is telling you. You say her advice conflicts with reality. Her advice IS your reality right now, so do follow it. You are in lockdown and in reality, the only people who matter right now are you and your husband. Protect yourself and any comfort you can share with your husband, share with him. Even if its just holding his hand sometimes or squeezing his shoulder as you pass. You can tell him you are very sorry about his mother and mean it. It will help him to know even with small gestures, that you are still in there somewhere and care for him. You have lost too much already to lose him as well. The biggest danger when something terrible of this nature happens. Is to imagine no one is suffering as much as you are and to distance yourself. Your husband is suffering just as much as you, even if at times you can not see that. You dont mention what the 'serious problems' are that you have but try to put them to one side how ever difficult that seems. Because right now you need each other.If his famliy are trying to pressure you into doing more. Tell them politely that though you are very sorry for his mothers impending demise, you are unable to do more to help at the present time because you are unwell yourself. Depression is an illness. Until you start to recover, they will have to manage without you. If that upsets them its unfortunate but that can not be helped. If it causes a rift then so be it. Until you are feeling up to coping with them, you are better off not being around them at all. These people are coping with their own sadness right now and obviously aren't being considerate towards you. So some distance is probably a good thing. If you can, try seeking a local church and asking for some extra counseling. You may not be a religious person but all wise and thoughtful words can help. Talk about your daughter and your grief. Grief is a heavy burden to carry alone. Every time you talk about it to someone, they will pick up and carry a little of it for you just as we are doing here by reading your post. Over time as you share it with others the burden will become lighter to carry. So do talk about things, don't struggle to carry your feelings alone x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 May 2011):
I'd stick to my guns, and listen caredully to the counselor. Conflicting with reality ?... reality is how you make it, and your reality at this time is : sorry guys, fuck you all. Got bigger stuff going on right now;first things first.
My heart goes to you. I am not a softy, I am a very resilient person, I can " do " loss. Loss of love, loss of status, loss of money/work/health , I had a taste of it all , and always came out of it stronger, better and happier.
But I have a 21 y.o. son, and if I had to loose him, - I don't know what I'd do. I really don't. No idea what could carry me through. I just know what I would NOT do :
let people and their needs and demands guilt -trip me and distract me from my own healing.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 At what level do they want you to participate in the grief, if there is such a thing. Grief is not a train you hop on where you get a ticket that shows how deeply you feel or how much you "contribute" so to speak. So what exactly is his family expecting? Send flowers and a card, or be at the deathbed if you live nearby. But what else do they want?
Have you said it out loud and clear that you are still in grief yourself, and while you do feel sorry that the old lady is about to face her creator, you can only "participate" at the level you find yourself able to? Again I have to ask, what exactly are they asking of you and your husband and closest family to do? I imagine your husband needs your support now much more than you should be supporting everyone else in his family. He is your family after all, he is the one you should lend a shoulder.
Try to separate the griefs. I know it is hard to carry so much, you don't really have the energy or space in your mind and heart, to take on more problems. But separate your personal grief from this grief and don't take it on you. Are you truly sad that this old lady is dying? Does it feel like an additional emotional burden for you? If the matter itself is not the burden, then focus on the practical issue of it. Have your feelings and emotions and thoughts deal with your own grief, but let your body do the physical work. Such as baking a cake for the family, buying some flowers, make a nice meal, I don't know.. this again depends on what they want you to do.
For example you can offer to do practical things that they need done, and perhaps working and doing something will take your mind off your own personal grief and provide you with a break from it at least.
There is a part of your mind and heart for your sorrow, and then there is a part of your mind and heart for compassion. Those two are separate. Try to see if you can't work around this by keeping them separate, and not let their sorrow turn into even more sorrow for you. They do not need you to "feel their pain" and join in crying. Im thinking (might be wrong) that your husband will just need you to sit there with him and hold his hand, let him sleep on your shoulder, make him a warm meal, and cuddle him at night. Perhaps you will find comfort in comforting as well.
Of course, as your therapist said, focus on you. But giving a little now and then doesn't mean you are taking away the main focus. Focus mostly on yourself, and don't do things you do not feel comfortable with. But try and see if there aren't things that you would feel would be good for both you and them (although I'd advice you to mainly focus on your husband, after you focus on yourself. He is going through double grief now. Losing someone at 92 can be just as painful as losing someone at a younger age, for some. Try to not judge how much sorrow he should be allowed to feel or not).
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