A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do you stay in a relationship with a difficult man? And don't tell me they don't exist, I see them all the time. They're the guys who lose their temper over every little thing, think they have to tell a woman what to do all the time, are bossy and controlling in most situations. But yet, they always have a softer side too. One that melts your heart. So how do other women survive these kinds of relationships? And don't tell me to bail because I know plenty of you stay. So is there happiness to be found with a guy like this? It seems like most men are like this. And the very passive, quiet ones bore us to death so we end up leaving them too. My b/f is pretty intense about alot of things and at times, I swear I can't stand him. But he knows how to balance out my hurt, by being tender and loving in so many other ways. I'm just not sure how other women deal with the constant swing of emotions. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Hauviette  +, writes (24 December 2013):
Believe it or not, some of these bossy men have psychological problems-some are bipolar, some have obsessive-compulsive disorder, which causes them to want things, including their woman, to be a certain way no matter what, some men have a fear driven, anxious personality that makes them control everything with a tight grip so their life doesn't fall apart. Some men, however, are sociopaths who can fool a woman into a relationship and become sadistic and controlling as a game they like to play. Those men are incpable of love, and they will ruin you. It would be wise to determine which type of man you've got. Sometimes the appropriate medication can really help. Sociopaths can't be cured, however. This information is for everyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): Truth is, most men hate getting played and used. Which is why they want to be the dominant ones in the relationship. This is common in every culture. Men may love the unpredictable bitches but they boss them around real easily to regain control. And whenever a woman is moody, yes they get mad. Men can easily fix the troubled, disoriented female. Men are not easy nor objects.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): I've come to realize that alot of it comes from upbringing. Some people come from a family of "yellers" and some come from more sheltered environments. The problem is when you put two people from these two different backgrounds together. My b/f came from a family of screamers, whereas I came from a calm, pleasant family who solved their conflict more rationally. But I have come to understand that yellers don't necessarily love you less, they just deal with their emotions differently. They're a bit more passionate than we sheltered folks are used to so everything can be a major drama scene. As long as he doesn't get physically violent and you can learn to deal with the drama, it should be fine. You just have to balance out what you can handle and what the deal breakers are.
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female
reader, dreinca +, writes (13 August 2010):
my boyfriend and I have been living together for about a year. (in my house)now that we moved to a place that he ispaying the rent on it seemsd that hed is showing an ugly side. ie. the other night i locked the bedroom door, when he was walking towardds yhe door i jumped up to opden it before he turned the knob. too late. he got mad and said open it or i'll break this door. when i opened it he said "dont lock the door" im 43 years old, not a teenager! i'm thinking of leaving. Is this how men are? My ex who idds a cop was this way, but I thought it was because he was still on his cop power trip,and that he coldn;t jus turn it off.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): Men like this can be dangerous. I started seeing someone 3 months ago not realizing he was controlling. I stopped speaking to him and refused to answer his calls and because he couldn't control me he showed up at my door and wouldn't leave me alone. It drives him crazy.It's hard when emotions are involved to look at situations objectively, but we teach others how they need to treat us. if you take it, they'll dish it out. I choose to protect myself, be true to myself, and even though I have feelings for this guy, I refuse to be played and controlled. Thankfully I have a savvy brother who helped me see his behavior as controlling. Otherwise I'd probably be under his spell still. Just watch out hon. You know in your gut if it's something you can deal with or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. I especially thought basschick had an interesting take on this problem. I also think some people are just addicted to drama because it seems like my b/f lashes out at me when things are going well between us. It's very self-destructive behavior. But I love him so much, I can't imagine my life without him. I just wish he'd tone down his temper tantrums a bit. I know it's classic for a woman to right away start wanting to change a man, but I feel like our relationship would be so much better if he would learn to communicate without so many "eruptions" and I would be able to feel close to him all the time. I had hoped someone would tell me that the behavior gets better over time, but no one really said that. I've been with him 3 years and he's the same way today, that he was in the beginning. If I hadn't developed such strong feelings for him early on, I would've been able to leave a long time ago. Thanks again for your help.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 I think people who are passionate tend to be intense and extreme in all areas of their lives. They love passionately and deeply, they feel sadness very intensely, they become angry easily and often and they are usually full of energy and creativity in the bedroom. This is what draws women to them. That sense of energy and intensity is what we crave but the down side is their hot-headedness easily turns against the ones they love. They are easily provoked and usually say extremely hurtful things when they are in a moment of anger. I believe you are involved with a passionate man and perhaps you've never been there before. Perhaps it's not the calm man that really bores you, but your sense that he is somehow void of passion. You can try talking to your man and maybe you can help him see that his passion is going amuck, but generally it's hard-wired and can't be changed. That's why so many men who are passionate rarely have stable romantic relationships because they wear out the women who love them and eventually they all leave. And yet they seem unable to see the cause-and-effect of their own passionate personalities and therefore, unable to change the pattern. You must decide for yourself if the balance of his moods is worth staying for. Count up the good days, count up the bad days. Which ones outweigh the others? Then you'll have your answer. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): Frankly, I will take nice and boring, anyday. Listen, poster, I know you are an older female, so please note, my comments are aimed at 'all women of all ages' with some emphasis on the younger females. I think females like to 'fix' the disoriented, troubled male. He reminds her that she is not perfect, either. A strange phenomonon happens when women attach themselves to a difficult man. They turn themselves inside out trying to appease and make that man happy. And if he's happy, then she's happy. Sad, because these gals hand over all the power to him, because 'his' happiness defines her! It all comes down to the female's sense of self-worth and her inability to see that she herself is the problem and not exercising the option of fixing the person who really needs it...herself. I think most females would be far happier if they could only see, that a fulfilling love is not possible without a ton of self-love preceding it. If there was self-love..she would open her mind her eyes and repel a man who is difficult and not even...give him the time of day. She would use her head when selecting someone who is good for her future...not always using her heart. Because over the long term, love is simply not enough, girls. And here is where my comments for the younger females come into play. Down the road, when a woman has 4 kids, a busy home to run, piano lessons, soccer games, lunches to make, diapers to change, and let's toss in a career to strive at, she will need a strong, yet compassionate, caring man who is not difficult or troubled. (She does not need a difficult 'child'to raise, here) She need a life partner, who helps her. She will require his emotional support, his respect, his acceptance and they must work as a team to make a happy, quality life for herself and her family.. Hard to imagine if you are 20 years old and not a worry..about kids and mortgages. At 40 years old, most woman should know this. But remember, if you are dating someone, there is always a purpose to the act of dating. Just make darn sure when the time comes to marry...go for the nice, boring guy. You'll never regret it. Just my thoughts and opinions...take it or leave it. Good luck, hun
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female
reader, SilverSong86 +, writes (7 January 2008):
I'm going through the same type of situation. I'm not sure if I'm going to stay in the relationship. I really love him, but I'm not sure I can take a whole lot of it. I really love him and try to be accepting of who he is, but he'll just randomly get angry at me for no reason and then blame it on stress. Everytime, we just end up in a fight and I'm in tears. The rest of the time is amazing though. He's willing to change some of the negativity and I know he's done it in the past, so I have hope. It's like a Jeckyl and Hyde really. I love part of him but the other part drives me nuts! I don't think that those of us who date these types are allowing our souls to be trampled on, which just have to put up a good fight once in a while. As long no abuse (physical or emotional) is going on and you are completely safe, I don't think there is much wrong with dating a difficult man.Just be careful that you're not being mistreated. There are always better ones out there if it becomes a problem and the world can't be oversimplified into "the good boring ones" and "bad and yet oh so exciting ones." There are a thousand shades in between and no two are the same. Good luck with your man. I totally understand what it's like.
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (7 January 2008):
 Whoever said " treat 'em mean keep 'em keen" was spot on huh?
Geez these type of posts worry me. so many girls say they love being treated like shit otherwise life's boring - cripes, what a life you must have.
I just hope some girls can post on here to dispel this myth...please ladies we have enough controlling arseholes getting away with treating their girlfriends/wives like dirt - then sucking up to them : "oh baby I'm such an arsehole but if you weren't so useless I would'nt be like this"..blah blah blah.
Are females regressing back 50 years where they feel they need a controlling influence in their lives to counter their so called silly little girl behaviours. I pray not.
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 Some women come from such a family background or culture where the men are like that.They subconsciously are attracted to those same men.
Good men are too stereotype and predictable while those creeps are unpredictable and can spring surprises and they are better at giving the women the protective feelings.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): I have a boyfriend like this and know exactly what you mean. We've been together 3 years and still don't live together, so maybe that's how we survive. He makes it very obvious when he's in a bad mood, so I avoid him when he's like that. I fell so in love with him that I would cry at first when he was moody, but I've learned that with any person, you take the good with the bad because you can't just love half a person. When I'm not with him, I find lots of activities that keep me busy like knitting or doing puzzles - things that pass the time quickly, yet take a long time to do.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 This is a very interesting post, and I think the ladies should answer. Me, this time I will learn.
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