A
female
age
36-40,
*mnotonlyone
writes:How can you get over the feeling of being lied to from your boyfriend about his porn watching habits? I've been obsessing over this for the past few days. I almost left him for me being suspicious of him lying after finding sketchy files on his computer that had been created on a certain date or modified on a certain date (when I'm not around). He continues to stick to his truth of it being clicking on wrong things from spam email (also who gets spam email about hot women, etc that don't visit porn sites???), popups and even his hard drive having to been erased before and still have viruses on it. I've asked him numerous times and it's always the same answer, no. He knows it bothers me. I've even talked to him to tell him that now it's not even about the porn itself but about telling the truth. But still he denies knowing anything about these files and is now in process of erasing his hard drive again. We have sex plenty of times (like 4 times a week), he shouldn't need it. He tells me why would i need porn when I have you. Ugh...are all guys going to be like this? I want to stay with him and move forward but not sure if I can get over the hurt of feeling like he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear or what would be best. Yet he does so many other things that makes all my previous boyfriends look like pieces of shit. And I want to work things out. We've even said we'd start over. But the feeling of the lies just haunts me. What can I do??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): Q165, sorry what did you read about Wendy Maltz. Why the diatribe - what exactly did she write that made you react that way? Talk about a defensive over reaction. This is the writing of a sex therapist (qualified I might add, and um, what qualifications do you possess for answering on this site)? She gives anecdotal evidence of her findings throughout the years (and she was originally all for porn). So here we have a professional who, with an open mind, writes about her experiences and why she now thinks porn is a bad thing within the confines of a loving relationship . So tell me again, what exactly are you disagreeing with? Let's dispense with the myth so we can help the Poster. Give me your actual point please without refering to childish tactics?
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (7 June 2010):
 I can understand why he lied. Judging by the way you confronted him over the files on the computer, he probably felt the safest thing was to lie and avoid your anger. But even if he told the truth, I suspect you would have still been upset so in all actuality, there is no answer he could have given you that would have made you happy.
I don't have a penis and can't tell you why men watch porn, but I can almost guarantee you that his porn habits have nothing to do with him not getting enough sex.
Are you sure it's the lie that's the problem or are you feeling threatened and inadequate because you're comparing yourself to porn stars?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): If he can lie over that, what else does he lie over - leave him. Then inform yourself about porn - read everything you can because I personally believe it is far from healthy. Read (or google) Wendy Maltz the sex therapist who has had to deal with the increasing fall out from relationships of men (and women) who view porn and how it has affected their relationship. Once you get informed, you'll no longer want to put up with the little wankers!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Men are visual creatures...Did you ever try to watch it with him? it may turn him on to where your the only thing he can focus on. My bf and I used to watch porn together...he thought it was hot soon enough he didn't need it anymore. We made our own shows! (except a video camera wasnt recording) but still!
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (4 June 2010):
 Well, honestly, what part of it bothers you? The porn bit or the lying bit? If it's the porn bit, re-asses your relationship. If it's the lying bit, tell him up-front that if he confesses, you're willing to accept the fact that he likes porn. Don't make it into a bigger issue than it needs to be.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 June 2010):
 No all guys aren't going to be like that. It's really horrible for him to lie to you, regardless of what it's about. PM had some really good advice, that you need to sit down and try to make him understand how it makes you feel when he lies and that you'd rather he watch porn and is honest than to lie. If he's not willing to come clean and be honest, it's not totally unfair for you to find someone else who will be honest. You can suggest couples counseling if he refuses to be honest, but I'm not sure how much that would help.
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A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 Personally, I'm not sure that you need to necessarily get over it. Your trust in him has been broken, and like you said, it's the lying more than the porn that's bothering you.
If that's the case, and you truly want to work things out with him, then that's something I think you need to bring up with him. Make it clear to him it's the fact that he's been dishonest with you and it's the trust that's important. He may think that this is about the porn and that it is making you feel insecure, but from the sounds of your post, it is more that you get the feeling that he is being dishonest and that that is making it difficult for you to trust him. If you want to work through this, then you should tell him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 June 2010):
 He's watching porn and pulling your chain about the stuff you see to avoid your reaction. He's into porn, maybe not like your ex was, but he's watching it.
What you do is up to you. You can either accept it or leave him. You do not have to put up with someone who has a porn addiction. Contrary to the "All men do it" thing so many people say, not all men do it.
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