A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Real quick to begin in the past I was with a guy who was in my opinion addicted. He even was watching it while I was lying next to him asleep and would go to bathroom to relieve himself. Ever since then I've found it to be disgusting in a relationship.My current boyfriend knew from beginning of this experience. I got more insecure once we had sex and found out he had looked at naked pics online. I confronted him about this, he was honest after a couple questions, but I was very emotional about the whole thing and told him how I felt about porn and the pics. Ever since then, especially once we moved in together, I would ask him several times, if he still did. I've gotten upset over other things too and have said stuff about breaking up. I've always had that suspicion he does still because I honestly believe every guy does (he even told me once that all guys do). But all those times of questioning he says no. Recently I was trying to attach a file to an email and the file was on his computer because I had emailed and downloaded it. As I was looking for my file, I came across recent documents in firefox and saw gape lovers (within two weeks) and some videos from months ago. I got upset asked him about it and he said maybe it was because he accidentally clicked on spam email, popups, maybe virus on computer. I couldn't let it go the next few days I kept finding more things like 'ftv sara' that looked like it was d/l and deleted from computer. We kept getting into fights each night I found something new. I almost left one night because I was sick of all what I felt like to be lies. He denies it all completely, blames his computer for having viruses in the past. Then next morning I found these memberchats from some sex web chat like file folders with these things saved. But there are no programs to open it with on his computer. I was about to start leaving again, when he woke up and I told him what was going on. He said he didn't go into those chatrooms or anything like that not even when he was single (although history on his computer seemed to be otherwise). I know his computer / hard drive does malfunction, he does have problems with his external hard drive, he did have to erase his hard drive a couple years back, he connects with other's free internet. I looked up a couple ftv models and they all look similar to me. That hurt too to know these were women I could walk by in a store. Of course he continues to stick to him not knowing how anything got on his computer and whenever I bring this up he gets really mad. He's even in the process of erasing his hard drive again. My questions around this are Is he erasing the hard drive because he really did all this or because like he said he doesn't want me to find anything else to freak out over that he didn't know was there? Plus the only way most these things come up is if you really search for it and it doesn't 'exist' anymore. Can I start over with this guy? I mean I really love him but I'm not sure if I can trust him with this or other issues like this. We are each other's support in everything else but I feel like he's not being honest about all this. He knows how bad this all pains me but would write it off as me being crazy/insecure etc. Oh and we have a very healthy sex life like 3 or more times a week. We were on different schedules where we didn't see each other but couple hours at a time and our days off didn't match up for like 2 months. Was it just boredom because I wasn't around? So can I trust him again? Can I stay with him? I can't get the thoughts of everything out of my head. I feel like he would continue to lie to me about this issue, although he has changed his behavior in other ways for other things that I didn't like. So why is this different? Please help I don't know what to do, I'm sick about this.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 June 2010):
 I'm sorry, but unless someone else is using his computer he's lying. Especially with him saying "all guys do it" (the only ones who believe this are the recreational users) as well as writing off your problems as insecurity. If he really wasn't using he would listen to your concerns and reassure you rather than saying your problems are bad "woman things." Yes, it probably was just boredom when you're not around. The majority of men use porn, and a lot of them lie about it. He won't change for you about this most likely. You're going to have to decide if it's something you can live with or not.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 Every guy likes looking at naked women pics, but not every guy does sex chat when they have girlfriends already. I don't think this guy is trustworthy. Hammering and snooping are the only way to find out the truth. But as far as stopping his behavior it's not going to work. It would only make the forbidden fruit sweeter to him. Before it was just lust, and now he's doing it just to reclaim his freedom. Like a power struggle. I watch porn too. If I had to worry about my boyfriend getting all jealous, checking my computer, I would rather not watch it than worry about the hassle of covering it up. Everybody has a different set of boundaries. I think looking at naked pics is okay, sex chatting is not. Some think both are okay, some think neither are not. You have to make it clear to him that this is not an insecurity issue, but a violation of boundaries, so that he has no excuse of "it's your problem, not mine." and continue doing what he's doing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): Number one gurl rule: if you suspect it, then you're right.
A great recourse is to download images of hot, nude males onto your system. When your b/f discovers them, give him the same lines: "must have been a pop up", and don't apologize, nor explain; blow him off just like he does to you. I think you may be pleased with the results. One of them is to get rid of the feelings of hopelessness and hurt.
To answer your question about trusting him again, Porn addicts don't change, they just modify how they conceal it. So I would choose one of two things: 1. Accept his habit, 2. Not accept his habit. In accepting, you just stay away from the whole matter and tell him you understand. In not accepting, you can leave him, or, as described above, give him a taste of his own.
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