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anonymous
writes: Our child died, not long time ago. The grief is unbelievable.But we are trying to deal with it. What is really a big question to me, how come the extended family doesn't seem to understand our pain. And, my really big problem is, that they compare the loss of a child, to an old grandma death, etc. But what is really disturbing me, that they want us to be fully involved and feel sorry for aging and sick parents, in their 90 's. They dont get it, that we have nowhere to put this, and an old person close to dying is not comparable, to losing a child. Please don't think I have no respect for old age... The 95 year old mother in-law, is very upset, that we are not all for her, with compassion and sorry, because we are in bereavement for our child, who died before he could live... at 17. How are you supposed to tell them, if they have no understanding and compassion? I'm totally outraged, but maybe I'm wrong. What do you think? Please give me your thoughts on this. Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ellie1963  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 I lost my son when he was 19 months old and my own grandmare on the day of my sons funeral tried to compare it with my grandfathers funeral, fact is people do not understand because they have not had to be where we are. YOu couldnt possibly know the pain of losing a child unless you have been through it or in it dont think we actually do get through it. My own mother compares it to her elderly sister dying!! they can only imagine from thier own grief but nothing will come close and you know that but they dont know how to quantify it.As the other answer above says their grief is their grief and yours is yours. Tell your family that you appriciate ther kind words but they cant possibly know what you are going through. Spend some time with the 95 year old lady and try and see it from thier side you are asking them to see your side after all!YOu will never get used to your child leaving life before you , my son died 25 years ago and i still miss him every day you just get used to it.Take care xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): I would argue this, '' The death of a child, the death of an old person, they are all the same''It is clearly not true, the old person had a whole life, and young person didn't. One is natural, the other is not.Parents always suppose to die before their kids ,not the other way around...But I agree, pain is pain...
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reader, Miamine +, writes (14 February 2011):
 I think your child has died and your very upset. I think you'd be angry and outraged at anything, it's a way of dealing with pain. The death of a child, the death of an old person, they are all the same, someone who was loved and alive is no longer around to kiss, hug and touch.
Don't expect them not to be in grief, because your pain is deep. Pain is pain, grief is grief, if you can't go visiting, don't, and don't be upset when people miss you, but put your needs to heal as the most important. We are all human and we all feel pain and get sad when people die.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): I'm sorry for your loss but I have to say you don't own exclusivity in grief. You're not the only one who suffers it and while to you the loss of your child is worse than any pain imaginable to them the loss of their parent/grandmother might be just as keenly felt.
Look nothing will ever compare to the pain of your loss to you, but in all fairness you're trying to belittle their grief by saying yours is worse, your attitude is "screw your old person dying I lost a child, so I couldn't care less about that old dying fart". I'm sorry but that's not how it works, you don't have an extra special kind of grief, all grief is the same. We mourn for all our dying and dead, and please don't take this the wrong way but your experience of it is no greater nor lesser than anyone else's to anyone but you.
What you're asking of them is to empathize with you and your loss but you're not willing to do the same for them. You're expecting them to move on from their grief and get over it because the person is old, whereas because it was your child you think you then have it worse off than they do and you do but only to you.
I'm sorry but no, you can't project your grief and pain on to others and expect them to understand if you're not willing to do the same. Unless they too have lost a child (which is not something anyone should ever have to experience) then they're not going to understand anyway.
Look all grief is selfish, it really is, it's perfectly normal and common for us to think our pain to be worse than anyone else but if you want my honest opinion I think you're asking for something from them that you yourself are not willing to give back and that's understandable considering what you're going through. So look just don't get worked up about this too much, please understand that only someone who has went through what are going through then they're not going to be able to show compassion and understanding and frankly you wouldn't wish this pain on anyone anyway.
So let them have their grief and you have yours. They're going through what you're going through, in your mind to a lot lesser extent but it's still real. It still hurts and when we lose someone dear to us it always hurts.
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reader, Brooklyngirl  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 I am so sorry for your loss. I think Anonymous said it best!
You are entitled to your grieving no matter how long it goes on. And it's never something you get over. Life will just get a little easier to live.
I don't know why people would be putting unrealistic expectations on you. It is totally unreasonable in my opinion.
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reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (13 February 2011):
 I am so sorry to hear about your son. The death of a child is probably one of the most heartwrenching events that one can ever experience, especially when that child dies before reaching adulthood. My brother died of cancer a few days before his 9th birthday, so I have some idea of how you are feeling. Your in-laws should be giving you all the support you need right now.
If you don't mind me asking, how long ago did your son pass away? I realize the pain will be there for quite some time. Are you receiving any counseling? And have you joined any support groups for parents who have lost children? If not, you need do that immediately.
I'm a little confused about your in-law's expectations. What are they asking of you? Are you upset because they haven't been supportive of you and your husband after your loss, and now they want you to come help with your husband's mother? Also, does your mother-in-law live near you? Maybe you can clarify that for us.
Try not to be hold this against them. Yes, it does sound like they don't quite realize how devastated you and your husband are right now. Have you tried to tell them how you feel, in a very nice and gentle manner?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time. You have every right to have time for yourselves to grieve and there should be no time limits on this. As to why people compare the loss of your child to the loss of an older person it may be because they have never lost anyone young and this is the only way they can relate. You should talk to your relatives about the 95yr old mother in law and tell them exactly what you are wiling to do to help. Maybe it is to cook a meal or two or sit with them for an afternoon. Do not do anything you feel you are not capable of as you will end up resenting your family. speak up and stick to your guns
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