A
female
age
41-50,
*onder79
writes:Hi all. I'm writing this here because I don't know who else to ask or talk to.Earlier this month, I found out my boyfriend had been receiving sexually explicit letters from a long-time female friend. Years ago, when I first asked him about who she was, he told me she was a male friend and I naively believed him. Later, I confronted him and he admitted she was female and told me he had lied b/c he didn't think I would like him to have female friends.When I discovered the letters earlier this month, I was devistated. I spend several hours contemplating how to approach this situation and decided to confront him about it that night. Sickly, I worked on picturing myself without him because I did not know how the night would turn out. I know I can go on without him, on my own, but I truly didn't want to. When he arrived home, he was all penance and apologies, swearing he would end his 'friendship' (I put that in quotes b/c obviously it was more than a friendship) and saying he loved me and wanted to be with me. I love him so much and it's hard to see myself without him so I agreed to talk and work things out with him.A month later, I feel we have dealt with the situation well but I'm worried I'm being naive again. The idea that he has been lying to me for so many years weights heavily on my mind and, every time I try to talk to him about it, I feel like he shuts down, avoiding the converstaion by hating himself and making me feel bad for bringing the situation up again.But I can't NOT talk about it. I'm not sure what to do or where to go from here. I don't want to ask him for his email password or free access to check his text messages/phone calls, but my trust has been greatly damaged and I can't help but wonder what's really going on with him. He's not one to talk about unhappy/difficult things on his mind. He seems very happy that we worked through things, but I don't know if we really have worked through this situation fully.I truly do love him very much and want to build a life with him. But how can one do that without solid trust in their partner? I don't know what do to or how to try to talk to him about how lost I'm feeling.Any feedback or advice from others is very welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
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male
reader, philipgifts +, writes (1 March 2009):
 I thik that you should tell him,I trust you to an extent but with the resent letters it rocked our relationship slightly.Tell him that,it makes me question everthing that your doing and I hate to feel this way but I cant just turn off my feeling.Me personaly I would ask for his email and text passwords.If he tuely has nothing to hide he'll give it to you and offer to give him yours to so he may feel more comfortable to give it to you.If he refuses then he may have something to hide?...Also tell him,hay this is just one thing I wont to get out of the way for our relationship to go forward b/c it feels like were not going anywhere but I want it to grow and for us to have more of an open relationship,comunication is the foundation of every couple.And keep track of his hours at work but that I'd keep to my self for a while 5 to 6 months.Until theres somthing conclusive.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): Honesty, trust, and communication are key to a healthy relationship. So, it seems to me, you are going to have to start from scratch and build a new relationship with him! Trust has to be earned. You can't just flip a switch and say "Okay, I trust you now." It will take a long time for him to earn your trust again. That is not your fault, it's his! Don't let him make you feel that you are the bad guy for bringing it up. If you need to, see a professional together. At least suggest it, see what his response is. That would be a gesture of being serious about repairing the damage on his part. If he agrees you can begin to trust again.
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