A
female
age
36-40,
*epper84
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for some time now, and recently, a discussion came about regarding marriage and children. First let me say, he is Catholic, I am Episcopalian. He's not extremely religious at all, but when the aforementioned topics came up, he first declared how he wants to be married in a Catholic church, then made it clear that he wants his children baptized in his faith, because it's tradition (on his mother's side of the family I guess - his father is Episcopalian) and he "wants to see his little girl in a white dress on the day of her first holy communion." I am very open minded and accepting of other peoples' beliefs and faith, but there are many things that I disagree with when it comes to Catholicism, and I think it would almost be selfish to raise children in that faith only because it's what's been done in the past, and not because either parent truly identifies with what that faith teaches. When I tried to express this he became very argumentative and would not budge one bit. Basically the argument was over a lot of hypotheticals, but I know that we love each other and some day would like to be married and have a family. My question is – how can this work? I really do not see myself giving up what I believe in solely because my husband is bent on tradition and seeing his child (or children) receive their first holy communion, simply because it’s what has been done before in his family. It just doesn’t seem right to me. I don’t know how to bring it up again; I’m almost afraid to. I don’t want to argue, but I feel that it would be almost a waste of our time to stay together if this isn’t something we can find a way to compromise on. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 August 2009):
 One more thing. I found this in
"Interchurch marriages: how to make them succeed".
http://www.americancatholic.org/Newsletters/CU/ac0690.asp
This is the text:
"Since the Second Vatican Council, one of the most important thrusts of Catholic Church teaching has been ecumenism, a vision that some day Christian Churches will return to the unity that marked the early Christian Church. "No place does this occur more deeply than in homes where married Christians of different Churches live and share the faith, trying to understand what they have in common," affirms Father Dohrman Byers, pastor of Old St. Mary's Church in Cincinnati, Ohio. Raised in the Presbyterian Church before his conversion to Catholicism, Father Byers served until recently as Director of Ecumenical and Interfaith Relations for the Archdiocese of Cincinnati."
and then,
"6. Take religious education of children seriously. In an earlier era, when the Macks and Schweitzers married, the Protestants in the union signed a commitment to raise the children in the Catholic religion even if the Catholic partner died. Now the burden of the promise has shifted to the Catholic partner. Church policy today is that only the Catholic partner makes a formal reaffirmation of faith, often worded like this: "I reaffirm my faith in Jesus Christ and, with God's help, intend to continue living that faith in the Catholic Church. I promise to do all in my power to share the faith I have received with our children by having them baptized and reared as Catholics."
Although many Catholic pastors today might promote the ideal—that the children be baptized and reared Catholic—they usually acknowledge that the other partner might be just as fervently committed to passing on his or her faith and that religious education of children is a dual responsibility. Preserving the marriage bond is of paramount importance in an era when divorce rates hover around 50 percent. It seems obvious, therefore, that the phrase, "to do all in my power," is not to be taken so absolutely that it would jeopardize the marriage itself.
Passing on some strong tradition seems a value that most interchurch couples would encourage. As Father Byers observes, "If you don't begin early giving them a depth of religion, you'll end up with children with no religious identity. Parents who don't lay a religious foundation for their children are making it easy on themselves, not their children."
In the past, many couples raised children in the religious tradition of the mother, arguing that she would have more influence over their daily lives. But that approach doesn't sit well with many of today's families, in which mothers and fathers share child-care duties more evenly.
It is difficult in the situations of marriages in which the partners belong to different denominations to reconcile the parents' obligations of sharing their faith with their children. Nevertheless, there still remains a serious responsibility on the Catholic party to do all in his or her power to share the faith he or she has received with their children by having them baptized and reared as Catholics."
So, while the Catholic Church wants the children to be Catholic, it is more concerned about their being Christians. And, as an Episcopalian, you're very, very close to the Catholic faith. Can you show your boyfriend this?
I wish you the best in your marriage.
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 August 2009):
I also suspect that this is not about religion. As Collaroy pointed out, in religions the males are supposed to be in command. How convenient, then, to say that it's not that you don't want to compromise, but that "God" made you do it.
Just my two cents.
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A
female
reader, Pepper84 +, writes (20 August 2009):
Pepper84 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your advice. I think the best thing to do is to try to sort this out now, rather than later. I am all for compromise and believe that without it, any relationship would fail. I absolutely will have a say in the way my children are raised, so hopefully this is something that we can meet halfway on, and if not, perhaps we just aren't meant to be together. Thank you again.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (20 August 2009):
 As a catholic I will tell you one thing, you are best of sorting this out now than when it's too late.
You are still young, you need to find out now if he is not going to budge. Because believe me he won't if he is adamant about it. And you will be left holding the babies wondering where it all went wrong and why you are in a relationship with a man who wants to control your life and let you have no say in your children's upbringing.
What a lot of people forget is that in a lot of religious relationships the belief is that it is the man's domain to make decisons about the family. You are subservient to him. If you are not comfortable with this, think about it now, it will be a lot harder to get out of the relationship when you have a couple of kids in tow.
Talking about Holy Communion as though it is some right of passage demonstrates he is not as irreligious as you may think. You are going to be in for a shock if you don't get this sorted out now.
p.s. he is counting on you not bringing this up again. He doesnt want the conflict either, but he will not relent (religious people never do)
You are already worried about this now so talk to him and sort it out now. It is not going to go away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): You haven't told us just how conservative an Episcopalian you are. But the fact of the matter is that, as far as protestants go, there's precious little difference these days between mainstream Catholics and Episcopalians. You both need to sit down an talk to your priests. Both churches expect pre-marital counselling with a priest anyway. I have no doubt that you two can work this out with your priests.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 August 2009):
I find his insistence curious, considering that the Catholic Church and the Episcopalian Church are very similar, and the Episcopalian church is "halfway" between Catholic and Protestant. I find it all the more curious because his own father is an Episcopalian. I would expect him to have some fondness for both religions and to have found a way to overcome differences, but apparently he can't do that.
To me, this smells of unresolved trouble at home that he is projecting into the new relationship. His mother must have imposed her faith, and he is doing the same.
OR, his mother is still pulling a string or two.
If he loves you, he has to respect your beliefs as well. And he has to understand that marriage is about compromising, too. I can't help but wonder one thing: if he can't compromise here, can he compromise in other regards?
You need to bring the subject up, and I hope he will understand he needs to compromise. By the way, I assume he knew you were an Episcopalian when he met you, and I assume he does not think you will burn in hell because you don't share his beliefs. Or so I hope.
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A
female
reader, Rosy  +, writes (19 August 2009):
I think he should go...not because he wants any children he has to be Catholic, but because he seems pushy and domineering. Do you want any children you have to have a father who thinks its acceptable to act towards their mother like this?
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