A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, I will give you a bit of a background regarding the situation I am finding myself in. I warn you now, there is going to be a lot of eye rolling on your part and probably an strong urge to slap me! In my defense, my interaction with men did not start until my 20's and the majority of them were not, shall we say, ideal.I met my ex in January of 2008. He had just moved to the city to do his PhD. We met on an online dating site. He said he was looking for friends....initially I didn't respond to his email b/c I figured you don't need to go online to meet friends and I think a lot of guys use this as a way to get a Friends With Benefits Situation.Anyway, we started chatting, and soon started hanging out regularly. After 4 months we started dating....now from the beginning I asked him if he had a girlfriend back home and he always denied it. I fell in love. He said he loved me, even my parents said they could see it. However, there was always something that made me feel that he was resisting us getting closer even as we did. After a year of dating I found out that he did in fact have a gf. I was devastated, but after a while, we started talking again and we decided to be friends.The attraction has always continued to be there; he kept telling me up until Christmas this year that he still had feelings for me but was stuck in the other relationship. She is in another country in medical school, and apparently she is not doing well and he feels badly at the thought of leaving her (I personally think she is manipulating him).Over the past year there have been times where we have just stopped talking, tried to break away, and haven't been able to. However, I got the feeling that something was changing after this past Christmas. I had snapped at him when he told me the same thing he always had that he still loved me but...I finally just said why don't we just admit that you have a gf. Don't pretend....after that things just got bad....Eventually over Easter weekend he sent me an email saying he could not be in love with 2 women at once and he needed space. I didn't expect to hear from him again. Then 2 months later, he called b/c someone had texted the gf that he had been sleeping with them. He was a mess, and worried....he needed someone, so we started talking again. I thought maybe things were over but as always didn't make a move or say anything b/c I didn't want to be his rebound girl or find myself in a situation where he got to stay with her and have me like he did in the beginning.Anyway, he really ramped it up...calling/texting every day...and then over the past couple of weeks that has started to stop. I've tired talking to him...Yesterday he told me he is going out of town to visit his brothers. I know that is also where the gf lives, and that this is her break before the fall semester for Med School. I have a feeling that this is going to be when he decides if they will stay together.My dilemma is that I want this guy. I love him, but I think I have been too scared/careful to just say it and do what I need to do. I just have always felt that I shouldn't have to ask him to choose me, but I guess there are ways where I could make him want to.....Part of the problem as I said is that he has refused to let us get closer. As soon as that starts to happen he shuts down, and he recently told me he was nervous around me. Yet, he will still text, etc...the calling has just about stopped. If I don't text for a couple of days he will......When we broke up, he took me off of MSN. A year-and-a-half later, he still has not put me back on despite my asking....again I am not sure how to accomplish this. I think just being able to talk that way would go a long way to us being able to connect again.So, my immediate goals....1) Figure out a plan to get the man! LOL2) Get him to put me on MSN and start calling again so that we can rebuild that connection3) Keep him talking to me even when he is away next week....he leaves Friday.So, hopefully you can help me. If you are up for the task I would so appreciate it. It's annoying, this situation, but everyone who has seen us together, friends, family, co-workers, all say that he obviously loves me......
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broke up, christmas, co-worker, fell in love, friend with benefits, msn, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (8 August 2010):
 Here's the rub. You already knew what kind of answers you would get here, or you wouldn't have prefaced your story with there will be a lot of eye rolling and efforts to "slap (some sense into) you".
You've already made up your mind to try and get the guy and compete with his girlfriend that he is going to see.
If you could step back and look only at his behavior since you are so unwilling to look at your own, you will see that this is a very smart (PhD) slick, manipulative and very narcissistic man. His main interest in you is your cooperativeness and competitiveness and willingness to put up with his crap. He is using you. He get's his needs met while his girlfriend is away studying. He obviously has a life plan with her, they have agreed to this set up while she finishes school until they can start their lives together....otherwise, he wouldn't still be seeing her. He is lying to you and to her and he is no prize.
So if you want more of the same, then keep on keeping on and chasing him and ignoring his lies and bad behavior and good luck with that. Remember you may get what you wish for, and then you can be the girlfriend that he is lying to and cheating on, heck you could be the wife that he is doing this to, talk about feeling trapped and unloved...yes, this could get worse and it is guaranteed that it will.
This man has little or no conscious or he wouldn't be able to live with himself lying to you both and leading you on down a merry little path. He is sitting home at night laughing about you in his maritini, I can tell you that.
He get's OFF on the fact that he is in control of YOU, of her, Of his Universe. In fact I bet he has narcissistic personality disorder..and you haven't seen nothing yet! These guys get ABUSIVE when confronted, questioned and caught, when you stop taking their bullshit. Go ahead and try it, call him out, see what happens!!
But, remember, you are making the choice to chase after a ghost, a shell of a man who only loves looking in the mirror at himself and will reflect back to you what he thinks you want to hear to keep you wading around in his pool just a little longer.
This is going no where except down the sewer drain. Is this the kind of LOVE you dreamt of as a little girl all those years before you started dating inappropriate, not so ideal men? STOP IT! Get some help dearie because you are your own worst enemy here. He and his BIG EGO are just the reflection of your own inner demons. Who the hell do you think you are? Going after this megamaniacal jerk? He's too good for you? Yeah, keep telling yourself that.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (8 August 2010):
 You are way too good a person to wait around for some other woman's crumbs, so leave this man alone and find someone who is interested in you and only you. If he loved you he would move heaven and earth to be with you.
MOVE. ON.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): i am sorry. but i feel like you are very pathetic. going after a guy who is obviously not interested in you. if a guy doesn't want you, he doesn't want you. he is just trying to get comfort from you while having problem with his girlfriend. in order to keep you, he will throw in some fake hints saying that he is interested. making you believe that there is something between you.
your feeling of desperately wanting him is making him proud that he is able to degrade your self respect. meaning, the less of self respect yo have will increase your desperation. you sounded like a girl with a self respect before knowing this guy and as time goes by, your self respect degrading.
get a hold of yourself. increase your self respect back and go out only with guys who respect you too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): This guy DOES NOT LOVE OR CARE ABOUT YOU. Furthermore, it's not the girlfriend who is "manipulating" the situation--HE IS. You want to believe there is something "wrong" with his girlfriend because, you want the guy. It appears as though this guy wants to be with his girlfriend.....possible even marry her, but wants to mess around with other women as well. Right now, you are what I would call a "just in case" woman; "just in case" things don't go as planned with his girlfriend or any other woman he might be interested in, he knows you are there waiting for him. STOP BEING SILLY FOR THIS GUY YOU ARE WAY TO OLD FOR THAT. Grow up and start using your BRAIN and not your HEART and allowing FEELINGS and EMOTIONS to lead you.
I didn't start dating until my 20's either and I have learned alot about women, men and relationships although at times it has been a hurtful and painful exp. It doesn't appear as though you have learn anything from dealing with this guy....you are so dead bent on being with him that you are willing to embarass yourself, you are willing to allow him to walk all over you and tell you lie after lie, after lie, you are willing to come between the relationship he has with another woman...basicall you are willing to be a fool for this guy and you don't seem to care.
Extactly, what are you trying to rebuild? You and this guy didn't have anything to begin with as he started out lying to you. I can see if the guy was in his early 20's where most men and women play games and aren't really looking for anything serious, but if he is in the same age bracket as you are, he should have grown up by now. Besides, it has been two years since you guys first started "talking" and things have not progressed for the better. He seems to unstable and the more you focus on being with him, the more he pushes away and why? Because, he doesn't want you in that manner--it's not his girlfriend that is making him stay with her, if he wanted to leave, he would, but he doesn't. HE LOVES HER, not YOU and I hope you get this fact as soon as possible.
It really doesn't matter what your family and friends are saying or thinking about this situation... first, they probably don't know the little dirty "details" about the situation as you probably haven't shared it with them. If they knew he was already involved in a relationship, I highly doubt your loving parents and friends would suggest that you continue with these fantasies of having some sort of relationship with this guy..no way, no how. You are probabaly telling your family and friends portions of the situation that you want to share as you don't want them to give you the "dreaded" advice of backing away from this guy and moving on with your life.
You are an adult and therefore you know what to do, I think you know deep down that nothing positive or successful can from dealing with this guy, but you have to be strong enough, both mentally and emotionally to walk away from this situation. I don't think you are prepared to have a relationship with anyone until you get yourself together first and foremost. I sugg. seeking therapy, reading self help relationship books "Why Men Love Bitches, by Sherry Argov and "Why Men Marry Bitches, by the same author--purchase these books amoung others on Amazon.com), get the knownledge on what it takes to have a healthy relationship and be able to rec. the red flags and when to bail out before getting your emotions and feelings involved.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (7 August 2010):
Let this go, he isn't into you for what ever reason, it's been a year and a half. Stop beating a dead horse and stop focusing on this man instead of focusing and working on you.
Figure out why you want emotionally unavailable men and what you get out of it...in fact get into therapy, it will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.
This guy is an assclown. Google it, google emotionally unavailable men and read what you find.
This is a lost cause, a total waste of your time.
There is a saying that applies here: "All women get the love life they deserve." Interpretation: You are wasting your very own love life on this man.
Move on.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (7 August 2010):
Wow what a screwed up relationship! first he tells you he doesn't want to leave her bcuzz her health? and then he admitts to you he needs a break from 2 girlfriends at one time! what a liar. he wants his cake and eat it too. and you are giving him all of that/ and you say it's been a year 1/2 since he has taking you off his msn well maybe bcuzz he and his gf has gotten married!and don't want her to c any of your e-mails! sounds like he choose her! and you wont let go. considerating he's the Dawg. and the attraction may be on your side but it sure isn't on his part. and that is where you are confused what i would do i would stop all together and see where it falls don't contact him and you will see what kind of person he really is? but you are not giving yourself anytime because you say you are so inlove w/ him. but does he love you? he is not the only person out there for heaven sakes move on..... why would you even consider that kind of person in your life who only complicates you and who you are and leaves you hanging and you tolerate it and so even if he comes back and boo whos its up to you to put your foot down and gaine yourself respect back and tell him to hit the road and go back to his gf who so needs him and that you feel sorry for her too! hes a very inmature man who is not ready to settle, but likes playing w/ womans heads! good luck.
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