A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so early last year I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend at the time. So that was my "first time" whether I liked it or not. Yeah, I know, how lovely. Anyway, I now have a new, wonderful boyfriend whome is a virgin and we're discussing having sex. However, he's determined to make my "voluntary first time" twice as special as it should be given the circumstances. But we're stumped as to how he can do that. So any ideas as to how we can have a spectacular first time would be greatly appreciated. Thanks :) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 Like I said, for the best first time experience do it when you both are really turned on and it'll go by itself. If you are both uneasy about it, nervous, unsure, frigid or not really into it, then you'll be sitting there looking stupidly at each other. So just make sure you are both into it, that's all. Make sure you are turned on, and go for it if it looks like he's all in for it as well. You'll know by the way he kisses you and touches you. There needs to be passion.
Other than that there are no tricks to having a great first time, candles won't fix anything, neither will romantic music. If the chemistry between you isn't there then there is nothing you can do about it. If the chemistry is there you will have a great time no matter what.
Just be aware that he needs to go slow, it probably will hurt for you, even if you were forced into it one time last year. You are still practically a virgin. You might still bleed if he doesn't go slow enough, you will feel pain if you aren't turned on and wet enough. So just read up on every advice here on the site about having sex for the first time, the same advice will apply to you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): "So any ideas as to how we can have a spectacular first time would be greatly appreciated."
Wait at least five years, minimum. Believe me, the longer you wait, the more spectacular your real "first time" will be.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 Oh! wow sorr y, i did not see your followup.Romance- I am a very romantic person at heart, and I have done a lot of romantic things. The thing that I always do is I find out what they have wanted through conversation, listen to what they say, remember, and go from there. We cannot give you stuff that would be super romantic for HIM specifically, but if you have done the above, you might remember back on something and go from there? If after careful thought, you still can't remember anything, write something or do something that has the emotion you feel for him behind it. What do you love about him?What are some good moments that you have had together that makes you want him? Get your thoughts out and do not be afraid to say what you feel.Communicating through words combined with actions.Sometimes passion is all you need for a memorable first time. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 January 2012):
 I also think you should tell your partner. It will help him be more prepared in case you don't react as well as you'd expected AND so he knows he needs to take it way way way slower than he would otherwise. I'm sure your current boyfriend cares a lot about you and wants you to have the most wonderful first experience you possibly can, but he can't give you that if he isn't properly prepared.
I think it could be a good idea to talk to your therapist about what your boyfriend can do to help you through this. It might be perfectly fine, but it might also bring back painful vivid memories, as is the case with a lot of PTSD (which the flashbacks could be an indication of). Some things to keep in mind, it can be helpful to practice some breathing techniques for severe anxiety ahead of time, such as slowing down your breathing (count the length of your breaths, 3 in, then 3 out, then 4 in, 4 out, up to 9 or 10), then consciously relax your muscles (likely your inner thighs and vaginal muscles and shoulders) and remind yourself you are not in any danger. Practice this when you are experiencing a flashback to try to bring your levels of anxiety down. Have your boyfriend take it very slow, make sure you're comfortable with his weight on you, with you both fully naked (some women have the most trouble with that feeling of that weight there) and it will help you to put your hand on his penis to guide it in yourself so when it touches you, it's less shocking. It might be helpful to start with a full body massage, both naked, and some women find it helpful to ask their partner to stop every so often to remind themselves they do have control.
Look I don't want to scare you, some women really have a rough time after they've been assaulted and I think you should be prepared that it could be difficult. Some women experience flashbacks, some panic, some cry, some are OK. I know the first time I tried after I was assaulted, I thought I was fine, then the second his penis touched my inner thigh I absolutely panicked, kicked him off me, and started sobbing. It was unexpected and I wish I had known so I could go slower and so my partner wouldn't have been terrified by my response.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 I agree with the others - you have no idea how you will react when the time comes, and IF you should suddenly react badly he has to know what to do.
You just assume your first time with him will be special, but it may bring back painful memories and you may do/feel things he doesnt understand because of your past experiences. Your boyfriend cares for you a lot, and he needs to know what to do should anything untoward happen. Relationships are all about communication and honesty.
If he doesnt know what is going on he WILL worry and be concerned and may think it is his fault. The more he knows, the better and more comfortable it will be.
Tiger x
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (11 January 2012):
Also, it will not worry him.
If he is the caring and loving guy you make him out to be, then he will talk to you about it and do hwatever he can to make it better.
Again, i have been there and i have been able to be honest and communicate with her about her flashbacks, even if sex did not fully happen that time.
It strengthens your bonds with one another.
I sense that you are a very strong person, and there is nothing shameful about sharing something with a little emotion when the person you are sharing it with is someone that your significant other.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (11 January 2012):
Ok, what these people are promising about it being awkward is a load of crap. You make it what you want it to be.
If you are ready, and you want to move forward, go ahead.
I feel that you should tell him about the flashbacks.
I have been with women who had flashbacks, and after talking to them about it, it made things go really well afterward. Will you get over the flashbacks right away? No, but letting someone else that you are going to be intimate with know about them will take you that much further toward mentally recovering from what happened.
I would say that you ahve two choices.
One, you can tell him before and prepare him for it. Or, you can just go ahead and have sex, and do whatever comes naturally.
Either way, telling him would be a big help for you and him.
Communication is the key to any relationship.
Inbox if you have any questions.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 January 2012):
 it's still a good idea for your intimate partner to know about it hon... if he cares that much he'll notice it and worry it's HIM not the flashbacks...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, you're all right.
Okay, well I'm seeing him in a matter of hours so I'll probably sit him down then and talk him through what's going on.
Now, as for romance, and to make the first time easier and more enjoyable even after hes aware of the flashbacks, I'm in dire need of advice, because I don't want to fix the problem of flashbacks only to have our first time not as enjoyable as it could have been because we both have no idea what's going on.
Music and candles seem a bit cliche :|
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 January 2012):
I think you need to let your boyfriend know about the flashbacks as well, and also you need to teach him what to do if you get a flashback. For example if he should hold you, or leave the room and make you a cup of tea, or talk to you or be quiet. Tell him you do get flashbacks, tell him what he needs to do when you have one, and talk about it if he wants to talk about it and you feel comfortable telling him what is going on.
The more he knows the more he understands. And the more he understands the less chance of a flashback ruining both his and yours first time, and it will avoid future problems. He needs to know when you are out of your comfort zone and need extra support.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, not afraid, but I don't want to worry him.
It's not like I jump up and cry but I can just concentrate on something else and it'll go away, but I'll have a cry later when he's not around.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 January 2012):
YOU MUST let your boyfriend know about the flashbacks.
he needs to be prepared for them when they happen...
are you afraid to tell him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you :)
My ex has been reported etc and the police investigations are ongoing and I have received counseling.
My current boyfriend and I know pretty much every inch of each other and I do occasionally have flashbacks, but I don't let my boyfriend know.
I guess we'll just let it happen as it happens and go from there :)
Thanks again for the help.
Oh, an I'm on the pill ;)
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 January 2012):
First times with a new partner can be wonderful. My first time with my now ex was absolutely amazing (he was a virgin too by the way). It was amazing because we were just so insanely turned on by each other. Get the chemistry working, build up the excitement, turn each other on until you are going insane with lust. Me and my ex had to wait for a few weeks before we could have sex, first off because of my rule of no sex until two weeks into an official relationship, and second I had to get on contraception and the pill needed a week to take effect. During this waiting-period he stayed the night, we made out and stayed up until 5 in the morning just kissing and talking and eating each other up visually. We took of clothes and explored each others bodies, without penetration or oral or anything of that sort. I don't remember if we even touched each others genitals, because we had so much else to explore about each other.
Then finally the day it was safe to have sex we were both like ticking bombs, once he learned it would be safe he threw himself at me like a wild tiger. I know it sounds clishe.. haha. But he was a wild animal in bed because he was filled with lust.
So build up the excitement and turn each other on, for days in advance. Then on the day/time where you are both insanely horny for each other and your pants are getting wet just by the thought of him, that's when you do it. And it'll be amazing whether you are in bed, on a chair, in a closet or on the bathroom floor. Just do it when the time is right, aka when you both can't keep your hands off each other for a moment longer (and when you have protection/are on the pill).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 January 2012):
I can PROMISE you it won't be spectacular.
Even with tons of experience in the bedroom, the first time with a new partner is awkward at best...
You just don't know the dance of the partner yet.
Honey I've been with my partner over a year now... the other night I accidently kneed him in the groin but so badly that it took two days for the pain to stop... how's that for romantic...
by the next morning we could laugh about it... but he was in so much pain I brought him an ice pack and left him alone for a few hours... seriously... so very special and romantic right? well not at that instant.. but it's something we laugh at even less than a week later.
In the beginning i would knee him, and elbow him and just generally be klutzy... it's a dance you learn over time with a partner...
be aware if you have any PTSD you may have flashbacks or get bad feelings when you two try to engage in sexual activity... he needs to be prepared for that as well.
Did you get counseling for the rape? Was the ex prosecuted as he should have been?
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 Romantic evening out and a door closed for the evening. Have that boy be very gentle with u but passionate. Kisses on the neck shoulders soft touching would help u feel comfortable and also aroused. He needs to vtake his time with u and be very thorough in the bedroom. Have him wear a condom and pick it out with him as thatll be romantic too. You want to feel safe n secure and feel respected and well pleasured. That is why i recommend this guy show a soft side a bit to help ur experience. Have fun sweetie.
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A
female
reader, misspurple +, writes (11 January 2012):
WEll.. as long as you know you are both ready, go for it! As long as you are using protection. Dim-lighted room, candles, music etc. Talk about what you like and dislike, so when it comes down to it, it will be perfect.
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