A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I live about two hours from my family (mum, grandparents). I try and visit every two weeksfor the weekend but lately it's the biggest struggle. I love them dearly but I cry on the drive back home and feel so depressed and drained.My mum sits talks literally all the weekend. She would spend over six hours each day simply talking, then complains she "hasn't done anything with me". She complains about the same problems over and over, barely questions into what I'm doing. She's clearly depressed but refuses to speak to any professionals. She doesn't have any close friends and makes it quite clear she doesn't want them, doesn't take others up on offers of friendship. She crys each time I leave, worried of the thought of me having an accident and being killed. She often has thoughts like this, and while they're valid concerns her reactions are over the top and they're clearly brining her life down but I don't know how to help her with coping. I've tried talking to my grandparents about her. They just tell me to get on with my own life and they'll keep an eye on her. She's supposedly similar to my grandmothers passed sister: emotionally fragile and slightly eccentric, very quick to have her feelings hurt. My grandparents are in their 80s and I'm not entirely sure they can see the seriousness in the situation. Considering their age, I'm terribly worried about what will happen once they pass as I know it will throw my mum into an emotional mess and I won't know how to deal with it, especially whilst living away and staying in control of my own life. My parents are separated and my relationship with my father is a struggle, we've spoken once this year and he's clearly dealing with his own emotional issues. I'm an only child, I feel like I can't talk to my friends about how stressful my family is and I feel like I have no one to go to and can't do anything about this situation. I love my mother dearly and I know she thinks the world of me but I can't handle this anymore. I'm considering talking myself to counselling. Are there any other suggestions here? Thank you.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 You should go and see a therapist. The thing is mental health issues does not just effect the person but there whole family. Your grandparents are just thinking your mother is fragile, but more and more is coming out in recent years about mental health issues. It is sad that your mother will not help herself, and yes off course you are going to worry about her, but you need to accept that if she is not willing to get herself help then you cannot help her. Sometimes it is best to be cruel to be kind, maybe you need to come down harder on your mother. Tell her it is hard on you, tell her how this makes you feel, tell her how you feel when she does not ask about you and your life, tell her all the complaining is bringing you down. Now I know that you don't want to hurt your mother, but sometimes people with depression sit around all day feeling sorry for themselves and forgetting that it is tough on there family as well. So you really do need to be honest with her and tell her that if she is not going to get the help she needs that you won't be able to cope with visits every two weeks. Remember you need to look after your own mental health as well. Good Luck sweetie.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2016): I know exactly how you feel it's so stressful feeling like there is so much pressure on you from your mum
My dads in hospital at the moment because he had a mental breakdown I'm at the hospital every other day and when I'm not my mum rings me crying saying she's got no one i love her so much but I've got to have a break too which makes feel like such a bad daughter
I think you should just try to stop worrying about her you have your own life, counselling is a good idea just to have time to talk to someone and tell them everything your feeling, I went to a therapy session I found it nice to talk get things off my chest
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (10 July 2016):
 This is a complex situation and you cannot fix all of it. Therefore, focus on things you can fix and that is getting some meds for your mother. That of course requires a diagnosis first, which requires you to convince her to see a specialist. Hence focus on that: convince her that it is just a little pill per day that will alleviate so much of a burden she feels, that it will help her enjoy her time with you. While attempting to convince her, focus on benefits particularly how it would improve her relationship with you.
After you get her fixed, then focus on other elements of your situation. Figure which one you can affect then work to solve only that one.
This will be a process so be patient and strategic, expecting only one victory at a time.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG  +, writes (10 July 2016):
 I think it maybe a generational thing. While your grandparents were growing up and throughout most of their adult life there simply wasnt the awareness of mental health issues that we now have - it was much more likely that what we would consider as a mental illness would be regared as 'eccentricity' or fragility.
I think therefore getting them to understand is partly a matter of sympathetic eduction. Dont talk down to them or be disrespectful in any way but you need to introduce the idea that maybe your mother maybe ill. Off the top of my head I think the best way to do is this is not predetermination of your mother being depressed but suggest that maybe she should go to the doctors for an open ended consultation if that makes sense.
I dont know how you would introduce this but I am sure a suitable entry point will present itself - also emphasise in a calm way your concerns - I get the sense that is grinding you down so much when you express your concerns your grandparents may be thinking your guilty of overreacting yourself, again if that makes sense. Good luck.
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