A
female
age
30-35,
*en1689
writes:My mind is in a fog. I've written on this site countless times hoping for different answers. Hoping one of which might somehow help me. Hoping that someone has been where I've been and can give me hope and help me to better understand what my issue stems from. I'm going to try and keep this brief, although it might be a bit lengthy as I try to cover every point of my insecurities.I am 22 years old and have been with my fiance (23 years old) for a little over two years. We got engaged about six months ago. If I had to sum up our relationship in two words, I would describe it as: Near Perfect. I lost my virginity to him at age 20. We get along famously and have similar wants and goals out of life. We are both driven and responsible. We are both supportive and generous. We both love each other deeply and strive to make one another happy while still understanding that we have our own lives. We both pull our own weight and both have good jobs with advancement opportunities. We've moved multiple times together, and have a place of our own. I couldn't ask for anything more, and I couldn't be happier with anyone else.My issue: I'm obsessed with his ex. Before he and I began dating, I knew very little about his past. We were friends for about four months, and he pursued me in that time when I was dating others. All I knew was that his last girlfriend was a b*tch. He also told me that their relationship was purely based on sex and sexual attraction, and that when he cut her off, she freaked out, and they broke up. This was about four months before he met me and about eight months before we began dating.Once we got together, she was mentioned a LOT more. He would bring her up at completely random times, and would relate her to things in our present. He would often compare me to her (in a good way), saying how much better I was than her and how much more compatible we were. How she was always a nightmare to be around and how relaxed he could finally be in a relationship. When they dated, he was 18-20, and she was 15-17, so they were both very young. He also told me countless stories of how she cheated on him, manipulated him, lied to him, blackmailed him, etc. She would start fights with him out of nowhere just to have drama going, and would manipulate him with sex or start sobbing just to stop arguments if she wasn't getting her way.She was heavy into drugs and alcohol and would constantly lie and go behind his back to do them after pretending to get clean. She dropped out of highschool in tenth grade because she just got too lazy. Whenever they would break up (they were on-and-off for two years), she would turn around and sleep with his friends, only to turn around and beg for him back. If he wouldn't take her, she would threaten suicide or self-harm until he did. She cheated on him once with his best friend and once with a girl that he knew of. Towards the final end of their relationship, she refused to wear condoms saying that they "irritated" her skin and she lied about wearing the NuvaRing. That's when he refused to sleep with her.When he finally broke up with her in mid-2008, she sliced her arm open with a bread knife. He got her help, but then cut all contact with her. Only two weeks later she was sleeping with someone else and fell pregnant. When my fiance found out, he was afraid that it was his, even though it would have been physically impossible given the timeframe. This worried him during the first few months I knew him, and he spoke to her only a couple times to verify that it indeed wasn't his. He hasn't spoken to her since.Present-day: After hearing about this girl for so many months (probably up to about eight months into our relationship), it's now all I can do to try and not think about her. She's always on my mind. I spied on her MySpace and Facebook for months (and still do). My fiance has stopped talking about her (unless I ask about her) because I mentioned how much it bothered me that he so randomly brought her up. He told me that he was only trying to get across how amazed he was that he could be so happy with someone when all he had known was misery and drama in the past.She's an attractive girl with a mountain of issues. I'm jealous of her looks, although I know that I'm very attractive as well. My fiance tells me that he knows that everyone finds her attractive and always did (which is why he felt so pressured to date her as a senior in highschool), but that he just doesn't see what the big fuss is. Her and I are both very petite girls with brunette hair, blue eyes, nice smiles/teeth. I've just got larger breasts and am more tan than she is. But still, even though my fiance wants nothing to do with her (and I mean NOTHING!), I still feel very threatened by her. She's been dumped by the father of her child (twice) who now lives with another girl. She was stuck on the island where she grew up and lived with his parents for months using money from the government to support herself (she had no job). She's now living with her father and sister off of the island and, from what I understand, just got a job at a burger joint.I've met her a few times, as I was trying to get over my insecurities by meeting her in person and trying to see for myself what kind of a person she is. I've heard nothing but terrible things about her from my fiance, his family, his friends, etc. But I just felt they might all be biased. I didn't want to hate her so much if I didn't even know her. She seemed like a decent enough girl at first. We shopped, had lunch, discussed relationships, life, etc. I bought her clothes and whatnot, as money wasn't an issue and I wanted her to trust me.I genuinely wanted to be her friend. She has tons of friends, and I don't have many. I figured there was something about her that I was missing out on. I told her a lot about the insecurities I had surrounding the situation with her and my fiance, etc. I opened up to her. I felt I had nothing to hide, as I didn't necessarily see her as a threat, just the idea of her and my fiance's initital constant thoughts of her. My fiance didn't mind that I was trying to be friends with her, he just wanted me to be careful as he still doesn't trust her at all. I didn't worry about it, until she did something to break my trust completely...I met one of her friends (and ex-girlfriend, as apparently she's bi and they dated for a short time) on Facebook. Her and I got along, so I thought I'd get to know her, seeing as I don't make friends with girls easily. I posted on her Facebook wall that I wanted to hang out, so we set up a date. And out of nowhere, my fiance's ex invited herself through the post.She was not only late to the girls' day, but she requested that wine be there (she's underaged). Her friend and I bought snacks, the alcohol, and rented a few movies while waiting for her. The moment she got to her friend's house, she smoked her friend's bowl of weed, drank a few glasses of wine, and then invited some of her guy friends over because they had more alcohol. She then left after about an hour to go hang out with them and drink more. After she left, her ex and her roommates talked about how immature that was and how rude she had been to ruin the day. My fiance's ex continued to text her ex for the rest of the night saying how bad she wanted her. We then finished out the night, but we had spent so much time wasting it with all the drama that we didn't even get to watch the movies we had rented. I left that night saying how nice it had been to meet that girl and said that we should hang out again.This is where I get stumped. Despite everything that went on that night, and despite all the nasty stuff my fiance's does (partying, drinking, drugs) even though she's a single teen mother (she's still nineteen), she's still great friends with her ex (the girl I met) and her roommates. She was even invited to another girls' night. And not only that, but she got her ex to block me out of nowhere on Facebook, so that now I can't even speak to her anymore. She still gets invited out all the time, and has tons of friends. She's not dating anyone (at least not yet), and has only had a couple boyfriends (and a girlfriend) since being dumped by her child's father mid-year 2010. I guess my point is: I'm struggling to see how a terrible person who's hurt as many people as she has (including my fiance), and who's made so many terrible decisions, can still be doing okay. I don't understand how I can do my very best to be the best person I know how to be, and yet still I get blown off constantly by people and don't have many genuine friends. I don't see how I waited my entire life to have sex just so that I could meet the one person I knew I loved, and she got to have sex with him first just because she was there and available. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that she had him in her life at all being the kind of person she is. I guess that's why I keep tabs on her so much. I want to see her pay for what she did to my fiance and to me for that matter. I want to see that she's not just getting rewarded for being an awful person. It just doesn't seem fair or justified.If anyone has any experience with this of any kind, I'm just hoping to get some advice. Maybe some sense talked into me. This girl has become my entire existence. I've spoken to my fiance about it multiple times, but he just doesn't understand what my hangup is. He sees nothing about her life that's good, but I see the opposite. He doesn't see her as attractive in the slightest, but I find her flawless and am insanely jealous of it. He doesn't see how I can get jealous of his past with her when it all happened long before he met me, but I get hung up on how he brought it into our present and can't let it go. If anyone has any ideas, please help me. Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lovely15 +, writes (26 February 2011):
I have to point this out before I let this one go. Keep in mind that, at this point in your situation, it's important to notice that the ideas that you have to fix your situation have not been working. No matter how many more times you use the same thinking to try fixing this obsessive pattern you have (with your fiance's ex, eating disorders, etc) the ideas you're using to try to solve the problems you have are still not going to work... again, definition of insanity. You're thinking is skewed... don't trust it. I'm telling you this out of experience. You HAVE to start listening to other people's ideas even if they don't sound desirable or make sense to you. Anything is better than what you're doing to yourself. Remember that your thinking has created this obsessive behavior. I've been sober in AA for three years.. if anyone knows about obsessive, insane, selfish, inconsiderate, ungrateful behavior, it's an alcoholic or someone with an eating disorder, drug addiction, obesity, abuse issues, shopping addict, the list goes on. I HIGHLY recommend you go to a local eating disorder support group (FREE!!). I'm sure they say that your eating habits are just a symptom of the way you think. It's not just your feelings towards this chick that is the problem... your thinking is the problem. I wish you all the best... please, find help.... I did and it's the best thing I've EVER done for myself.
A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (26 February 2011):
Jen1689 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you to all of you who took the time to respond to my post. I understand that none of you would be able to give me the answer that will cure me and take me away from my own personal Hell.For those of you who say I should seek help (most all of you), I have before. However, I just recently moved across the country with my fiance (twice), and do not have the means to start going again. I was able to go weekly when I was going to school, but as you know, both therapy and school do not come cheap, so I am not able to go to therapy at this time. Even if I was, I wouldn't be able to pay for an many sessions as it would take to actually get anything accomplished. Two sessions every two to three weeks isn't enough to conquer this. I was going once a week for six months straight, and nothing was accomplished.For those of you who "pity" my fiance... I do not want you to think that I take this out on him on a daily basis and burden him with my troubles over his ex girlfriend. We are very happy together. We spend literally almost every waking moment together (outside of work), and we don't mind it. We CHOOSE to spend our time together because we're each others' best friends. Since hanging out with this girl, I have talked to him about my insecurities with her, but it's as much as a simple conversation, and then it's over. I don't subject him to my every thought about her. I know that he despises her, and I know that he doesn't want to hear about her, so I don't make him. I also am just trying to be honest with him about my feelings, as nothing good will come of me hiding any of this if I'm still suffering.For those of you who say that I'm suffering from self-esteem issues: you're right. I have all my life. I've suffered from two eating disorders (one of which has stuck with me for seven years), and my view of myself is very mislead, and while I know some of this comes from bullying I suffered from in Middle School and High School, I'm not sure why it's this bad. I have a very loving family (both immediate and otherwise), I have a wonderful man who's agreed to share his life with me, I am attractive and a good person - but none of this connects for me and I still do not feel good enough.Thank you again for all of your responses. Take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Don't you think the problem here is you and not her. You are the one becoming obsessed with her. Not the other way around.Your boyfriend has already told you he'd rather not have anything to do with her. And indeed, if your post is anything to go by, his exchanges with her have been perfunctory and only when necessary.It's YOU who keeps her in your lives. Why bother? She seems like a train-wreck. In fact I feel very sorry for her.There will likely come a time when she regrets every single decision she makes now. When she gets older and acting like this becomes sad as opposed to 'young and crazy'. When people will scoff at her for refusing to grow the hell up and act her age.She will try and make the best of it, but with no real qualifications under her belt, she will not be able to get a decent job and have a good life.She has a child, you say, and this is the type of world she wants to bring it into. Sooner or later she will realise just why parents can't be like this.Sooner or later she will realise her 'friends' are not that at all. But just people she drinks with. Friends would not stand by and let her do this to herself or her child. They would intervene, say their parts, and then leave her to make her own decision.Hell, no good friend ever lets another go off with a group of guys, smashed out of her mind. Now, as to you... I think you see in her what you feel you miss out on. The drama, the guys, the overt sexuality and promiscuity. You feel that by denying these things, you feel lesser.You are not. Do you really feel jealous over a trainwreck? Who needs help. Badly. Who needs to cut her crap out before it destroys her life.You have a decent guy. A good chance at a good life. This is not something to be sad about. And if you need to really be 'wild and free' as it were, why not experiment with your boyfriend sexually. Try some leather, some whips, chains, try some new positions, new places to have sex (the riskier the better).Take a damn holiday to f*cking Ibiza if need be.And above all, talk to a professional about this. It is not healthy to be obsessed about anything or anyone.Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I'm starting to feel sorry for your fiance here... His first girlfriend (the ex) turned out to be a bitch and his second (you) turned out to be a stalker!
Hun, you seriously need to get a life that doesn't involve the ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Hey Jen I think your boyfriend needs to understand that this is not your fantasy but trust me he can't help.
Well I'll tell you a bit about myself, I have a cousin I grew up with and she is as pretty as me, has maintained herself pretty well and ever since I remeber she has only dumped guys who were head over heels in love with her. I have only had guys who wanted to be my friend so that they could date her. It lasted for good 8 years. I only had one guy in my life and I married him, he knew everything about my family but he betrayed me for this "flirtatious Cousin" of mine and we are seperated now.
This cousin is a year younger than I that means she is now 23 and men are dying to marry her and I am almost nowhere.
Saying everything iin brief, my problem is the same... I have been a virgin till I got married, never even thought of betraying my hubby even in the wildest of my dreams but this is what I got! This girl in turn has always hurt her parents, friends and everyone around her that she has been labelled as unpredictable yet "most wanted".
Even I feel very awkard about these thoughts lingering in my head, can't speak it out because am afraid my folks would think I am jealous and I swear to God I AM NOT... I just need to know why people treat you as a doormat when you are the best person who is genuine and people want you when you are fake!!!!
I would say you are atleast lucky to be the future of your guy and I on the other hand have lost everything in this life.
look at my life and maybe you'll cherish yours!!!
God Bless you
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 You need to get over this girl. It's like you are obsessed, or you actually are obsessed, you even said yourself she has become your entire existence.
What are you trying to accomplish with this? My advice to you is pretty simple: stop focusing on the ex!
It's easier than you might think. Just stop thinking about her. Give a good old crap about what she does. She's NOT a person in YOUR life. Your fiancee made a huge mistake in talking about her to you, he never should have, because these things happen. One should NEVER compare people, even if it's to say that the other is "better" etc. Never compare people. Because what you are going through is a result of how your boyfriend talked to you at the beginning if your relationship, and by the sound of things its getting worse and worse for you.
But your boyfriend made a mistake. Don't let that mistake which he made control your entire relationship and life! Let it be a mistake he did that you got over. End this obsession. Find something else to bother your mind with! Im not trying to be rude, but do you not have more important things to bother with? Like work? School? Do volunteer work somewhere, help fight poverty, do something good for your community. Just do something else than use all your energy on stalking a woman who wants nothing to do with you.
You don't make friends with girls easily, perhaps that's got something to do with this as well. She's on your mind and you want to get close, no matter what. But what are you trying to accomplish by it? Fair enough that you don't want to hate her based on others opinion. Im all with you on that one, one shouldn't ever judge others based on reputation or the opinion of a third person. But you do not have to be her friend to not hate her! And by rights you shouldn't hate her, nothing she did was towards you!
Work on getting female friends instead. Friends that have nothing to do with her! You aren't doing yourself, or her, any favours by trying to cling to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Okay, a lot of information to take in on your side - and the amount that you have written does seem to "prove" your "obsession" with this girl, which is probably why conselling seems like a good idea - and it may be. But the amount of writing also shows that you are in need of someone to talk to that simply isn't in your life at present. From what you say about not having many female friends, it sounds like you are very lonely for female friend talk, not male talk.
The way that I'm looking at your situation is that you have, for whatever reason, had difficulty 'bonding' with females of your own age and this is bothering you. It seems that this would have always come up somehow, regardless of whether through the "threat" of your boyfriend's ex or not. At the moment, it seems like this ex is really hitting on a sore point in you, to do with both your own self esteem and this lack of female friendship - you compare yourself with her both in terms of attractiveness towards men (in a sexual way) and in terms of attractiveness as a female towards other females in terms of friendship and the two are getting so knotted together in your mind that it is driving you nuts.
I'm no expert, but it seems that this girl has "got her patch covered" - whatever her morals, sexual behaviour and so on, she is obviously so socially confident that she can get away with pretty much any behaviour. This is often the case with very socially confident people - they attract a lot of people because they feel magnetic, and this will probably always be the case. The actual quality of the relationships that they have might leave other people (yourself included) disappointed BUT because you feel lonely and possibly "odd" not to have many friends, you keep trying to lower your own expectations and prove yourself as a friend to the same kind of people.
Meanwhile, because this woman was also connected to your boyfriend in the past, all of the insecurities that you have about friendship are getting mixed up with the insecurities about your boyfriend's feelings towards her.
Try to see these as two separate and actually fairly simple issues. There will be reasons as to why you don't have many female friends - this happens to loads of perfectly lovely people. You are still very young and can go on to make more friends. It is obviously important to you to do this, but you are, it seems, aiming your needs towards the wrong bunch of people. Just like you held out for a special person to give your virginity to, you might also need to be a bit more selective about friendships - this can be hard when you just really, really want friends but don't, please, make the mistake of becoming the "pleaser" or "doormat" - it doesn't work, you will end up being used and hurt. If you engage in hobbies that you like, then you will find friends in that area - is there something that you like doing that you could turn into a hobby through a group? For example, if you are kind enough to buy a load of clothes for someone, maybe you are compassionate enough to do a little volunteering with a society for a few hours a week - through something like this you will meet someone like-minded and gradually gain more confidence. Having social confidence (ie. knowing how to behave so as to seem attractive as a friend) is one thing, but actually being selective about who you want as a friend is another - you can develop both skills and the confidence that you gain from this will stop this 'obsession' with the ex from undermining your relationship with your partner.
Counselling may help if there really is a problem in bonding with females, but I honestly think the issue is quite simple and has become "over-heated" through lack of the very thing that you need to find - a good girl friend! Calm down, and get a plan of action for making female friends - don't go overboard trying to please someone, they won't respect you for it, but they will respect if they see that you have your own boundaries and standards and likes and dislikes.
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A
male
reader, Dataluke  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 I went through this! I understand this! Finally someone else who knows what its like!
The truth is, the only reason it bothers us so much is because we are constantly aware that that person is there and doing what they're doing.
Its terrible that she removed one of your friends from you but you can do something about it. Add her ex (your friend) on facebook again and send her a message asking to meet up in private. Talk about this girl, find out what your friend really thinks of her, make her see that her ex is ruling her friendships. Then BOTH of you need to break ALL ties with her. No more spying on her facebook, no adding her after 6 months just in case she's changed, completely isolate your lives from hers.
After that, just focus on being happy with your fiance, I assume you will have a wedding to plan soon. And just forget about his ex, she just a loose thread that you will have cut.
I hope you feel better, contact me if you need more help, like I said I have been through this exact thing.
All the best, Dataluke
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I agree with the above poster. Please seek help. Whatever you're feeling has nothing to do with this girl, and everything to do with how you feel about yourself inside. She is simply a catalyst for feelings that have to do with your own upbringing, character, and situation in life.
Your thinking is deeply confused. You're both jealous of her freespiritedness, and you're also enraptured with it - you dislike her, yet you want to be her, you judge her, and yet you think she's flawless. There is some real confusion here about both your values and your identity. If you allow this to persist, it will poison your relationship and embitter you as a person.
Until you learn to like yourself, and to have some confidence in your own decisions without worrying about how everyone around you sees you, you will feel empty and unhappy. This is a process that you need to engage in with a trained professional who can help you to find out who you really are... and to like that person too.
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A
female
reader, Lovely15 +, writes (25 February 2011):
I have to agree.. you def need to talk this out with a professional. If you don't have insurance (which seems pretty common these days) start detaching yourself from her by not looking at any part of her life on facebook/myspace/any other website, cell phone, etc. YOU ARE OBSESSED... identify this.... don't deny it... realize that your behavior is, IN FACT, obsessive and insane. By insane I mean you are doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. You HAVE TO cut it out. You are mentally and emotionally KILLING yourself. I said KILLING yourself and your relationship. You are physically alive because your body is here, but the more you torment yourself with this, the more you're mind, spirit and emotions die. Soon you will just be this pathetic, sad and obsessed psycho and it will only get worse. You will lose everything... you're bf, you're apartment, you're job, school, the list goes on.... IT HAPPENS EVERYDAY.... how do you think people end up under bridges? You aren't special in this respect... anyone can drive their lives into the gutter given the right fuel (yours sounds like this loser chick... you seem delusional). I GUARANTEE you have a TON to offer the world because I believe every person has a purpose. Unfortunately, right now, yours is EXTREMELY unhealthy. You are constantly looking at this girl's life and comparing it to yours and expecting something to happen. I'm not sure what that something is... maybe it's that you want to be more like her or you think that if you find out what your bf liked about her you could act that way for him??? I don't know.. you have to ask yourself that question. BUT don't expect to understand the answer for a little while. You are clearly so wound up in this situation that you can't get a grasp on reality or any kind of answer about why you're doing this. I always say "You can't see the mountains when you're standing in the middle of a big city."... cheesy, i'm aware, but true! So... baby steps.... all you have to do tomorrow is not look at her internet pages... Just DO NOT do it. AND if you do, then don't do it the next day. Maybe you'll look at her page only ONCE that day. and then the next day maybe you'll look at her page but realize what you're doing is so out of line and then click off of her page before you even read anything. then maybe, one day, you will have stopped looking at her pages. and then you'll stop reading into her life and comparing it to yours. You are definitely correct that you are very insecure and lack a tremendous amount of confidence which is ridiculous because it sounds like you have a great life. Don't ruin it... own it, love it, live it! Find something else to do every time you start thinking about her. You need to break up with her... rip it off like a band aid! Don't see her ever again, don't contact her OR her friends. Leave her alone and your thoughts will start leaving you alone. AND don't beat yourself up about this... it happens to the best of us. Just think of all the obsessive behavior human beings have: overeating, stalking, alcoholism/drug abuse, shopping, sex, biting our nails.... the list goes on forever. It's your CHOICE to make sure you don't fall too far down the rabbit hole. EVERYTHING in moderation UNLESS you can't moderate and, in your case, you are taking this too far. I'm rambling but I'm hoping that if I keep saying all of this in different ways, it might help. I dunno. Good luck with everything and seriously, go talk to someone! REMEMBER: Don't let this chick take up any more space in your head! SHE is NOT paying rent
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Try not to get hung up on your boyfriend bringing his ex in to your 'present'. Because he isnt. You are. You say he last mentioned her over a year ago and stopped when you asked him too. But you might find even then it was you mentioning her a lot with questions and probing. That made him talk about her so much. Forgive me for saying this but the lengths you have gone to, to keep her in your present, sound obsessional. I dont think you have been able to find a satisfactory answer here so far. Because there is no quick fix answer. You would really benefit from being counselled properly, so it might be worth seeking a good counsellor/therapist.
I felt from reading your post that you are angry with your partner. Angry that he took advcantage of a young girl. Not because he loved her. Because he didnt and has said as much. But because dating her was expected of him. Showing no backbone, he did date her, even though he didnt even like her very much. And he used her, probably a minor at the time...for sex. Being what? 4 years older than her? He should have known better. He didnt behave very well, did he. Im sure thats not the sort of guy you expected to end up with. Your anger might be at him. But wanting to seem 'perfect' and frightened of ruining what you have with him, you are focusing your feelings on this girl instead. Thats hardly fair on her. First he used her purely because it was expected of him. Now you are obsessing over her. What a pair you are.
Try counselling and explore the possibility that its really your partner and his past behaviour, thats making you so unhappy and ruining your vision of the 'perfect' relationship. What the girl does is none of your business. You should leave her alone and concentrate your efforts on being honest with your partner. And fixing your relationship with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): So to sum up your story, you were a bit jealous/insecure about your partner's ex (which some people are). You heard that she was a very unstable and unpleasant person so for some strange reason thought it would be a good idea to meet and befriend her. When she turned out to be exactly like your partner described you only got even more obsessive and angry.
What you're describing isn't normal behaviour at all. The only advice people CAN offer you is to cut her out of your life, stop stalking her on Facebook and MySpace, try not to think about her and focus on how good your relationship with your partner is.
If you can't do that and it continues to get worse then maybe consider speaking to someone about it. You sound like you have some real self esteem issues and ultimately they'll tear your relationship apart. Why don't you try making some more normal friends (by e.g joining some classes/groups), instead of trying to hang out with a girl you know has problems? At the very least it'll be a distraction.
Also I don't mean to sound harsh but most people have realised by their early 20s that life isn't fair. It isn't some fairytale where the bad guys always gets their comeuppance or are overcome with guilt for their actions. Some people are just unpleasant and shallow there's nothing more to it than that. So don't waste time obsessing about how she can be ok with what she's done and get away with it. Move on and focus on your own life or you'll drive yourself crazy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): You need to learn to love yourself and to value yourself. You should spend time on seeing you and not the people around you. People dont make you who you are. What I mean is that you dont need to be in a relationship to know the value you have as a human being. You dont need to compare yourself to other people to know what you are worth. Dont focus on others, work on yourself. Work on your self-esteem. Love yourself, respect yourself and enjoy life.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Jen, seriously... This site is great and all for some things, but it is NO substitute for professional help.
Please see a professional, a psych, get counseling...just do something! You really need to talk this out and get help for this bizarre obsessive behavior as it seems to be affecting your life & personal happiness really negatively, when honestly... it really shouldn't.
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