First Time Blues

Tagged as: Sex

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Article - (25 February 2011)

4 Comments - (Newest, 10 March 2011)

A female age 30-35, SweetSmoochy writes:

I lost my virginity when I was 16 years old to a guy who, granted, was a nice guy, but he wasn't anything more than that. I had been waiting and hoping for that moment since the beginning of high school, even before my first kiss. After it finally happened, I felt no different except for the fact that I was sore and felt very let down about what happened afterward. It was my boyfriend's first time too, and afterwards he was so afraid of getting caught that he told me I had to go home rather than spending a few minutes snuggling. I cried myself to sleep that night. A couple months later that guy and I broke up, and I continued to make sexual mistakes with other people looking for...what? a connection? until I met my current boyfriend.

I don't even talk to the guy I lost my virginity to. I don't talk to the other guy I've slept with any more either. Some connection, huh?

Looking back, I regret what I did so much. I regret it because I gave the gift of myslef to two different guys who really weren't all that impactful on my life, even though I felt like they were at the time. I regret it because the guy I'm with now is incredibly special to me, and I don't have that gift to give him. I was definitely not ready when I did what I did, but I wanted to feel what it was like so badly that I rushed into it for all the wrong reasons. For example, I slept with the first guy because I thought he would be the only nice guy I'd ever date. I slept with the second guy because I thought it would make him stay with me and "love" me. Not good reasons by any means.

I've known for a while that my past experiences have been mistakes, but it wasn't until recently that I realized that I'm STILL not ready for sex, almost a year after I started having it. My current relationship has lasted much longer any of my previous relationships and it's still strong. We have a very strong emotional bond, and that has kept us together. When I started wanting to have sex with him, he said it wasn't time yet and tried talking to me to make me understand his reasonings. I basically just got frustrated or hurt, feeling unwanted, as he's a year older than me and not a virgin either. Finally, in the past week everything he has been saying has clicked. Sex doesn't mean what I've been thinking it means. It's not just a game you play with someone you like, or a chesspiece you use in a game of trying to stay with someone. It's something you do when you--here comes the corny part--love someone.

My boyfriend and I have yet to have sex. I've never felt so loved and cared for and close to someone in all my life, and sex had absolutely nothing to do with it. Yes, I still get aroused. Yes, I still desire him a huge amount, but now I've got something stronger than that. There's no rush to have sex. He's not going to vanish, suddenly start ignoring me, or anything the other guys I've been with have done. When we do have sex, it will be a connection because we already have a connection. It won't be squeaked in, snuck around behind parents' backs, or leaving me feeling empty and ashamed.

I wish I could take back what I have done, but I never can. Hopefully, a few people who read this will think about it and not make the same mistakes, but I have a feeling most people will just go do it anyway, just like I did no matter how many people told me what I found out the hard way in the end. If you can, try to take away from this the lesson I learned, and even if you're already having sex, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

View related questions: broke up, lost my virginity, ready for sex

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A female reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (10 March 2011):

SweetSmoochy is verified as being by the original poster of the question