A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel so sad. Please read and any advice would be deeply appreciated. I thought I met my soul mate 3 years ago. We were inseparable. I was so captivated by his kindness, generosity, affection for my daughter(from a previous long term relationship). I will call my ex John. So John quickly asked me to be in a serious relationship with him. He said he loved me, wanted to marry me one day. He would come over daily, eat dinner with us, go on family vacations, etc. After a few months, I noticed he was really overly religious. Having been raised by parents who I would classify as extremists, it was a red flag. My daughter's father was agnostic and taught me to value education and new ideas while maintaining my faith. I did not want to lose that. Soon, John began to be less and less affectionate around 2 years into our relationship. I was concerned and told him how he had changed. I also noticed he was easily manipulated by his church mentor. John would donate a lot of money even though we were planning to buy our first home and small wedding. John would also go to "church functions" without me because it was bible group members only. Very suspicious to me. I stayed at a job I hated because it paid very well and drove a very old car that always broke down to save money. John also tightened his belt but would hand over cash to his church without any questions. John also started to isolate me from my friends at work and school. He went crazy when I had the last straw and bought a car because my old car died. We broke up for a month but reconciled. But he was getting so abrasive with me. He was also upset I would refuse to attend church with him every week. Everything blew up when I went to a lunch at my school with some classmates. It was arranged on Facebook in the open so obviously, it was not some romantic lunch with a guy. Still, he sent me a nasty text saying I went to dinner with a man by myself. He said he would never speak to me again. It has been 2 months and he will not speak to me. I asked him to at least speak to me so I can get some answers about unclear things. For example, I heard rumors he may be gay from old classmates of his. Once, he showed his erection to his friend "as a joke". For a so called religious man, I thought it was NOT funny. His friend also got upset. Anyway, he said the only way he will speak to me is in person, at a public place, with his best friend there. That doesn't make sense to me! I never hit him or anything. I am so very hurt about all of this and he doesn't even care at all. how can someone who always goes to church, used to be so loving, become such a major jerk? I am sad 3 years of my life are wasted, my daughter now hates him, my family hates him, but I feel so confused and depressed. I tried to date someone else but it was a disaster ( he is hung up on his ex even though I think my breakup was way worse)Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): 'He did not become a jerk: he was one when he met you, only he knew he wouldn't attract you if he showed his true self.' PRECISELY. The problem isn't his religion. It's him. The man obviously needs the approval of authority figures. And every now and then he needs to rebel and assert his individuality, hence the engaging in questionable sexual conduct. The tighter the control on him the more deviant his tastes will be.Two months of no contact? I'd have considered this relationship over after two weeks. There is nothing to be gained from having further communication with him and having the 'answers about unclear things' will not add a day to your life. Pressing the issue only aggravates the situation, prolongs the pain and gives you false hope of reconciliation. Besides, he isn't likely to answer them honestly now is he? Especially if he brings a friend.Which brings me to my next point, bringing a friend at his age is just plain weird. That's something a teenage girl might do with a guy she's just met. For a grown man, it's laughable.Most people out there are good people who mean well. Kindness and generosity are not rare qualities unique to him. The fact that he's slapping it on so heavily as to captivate you says a lot about both of you. It suggests he is a fraud and that you have some old baggage to sort out.Instead of seeing the time with him as a waste, be thankful for the good moments and consider the rest a learning less. It could be worse. He could have been a stalker. You could have been with him for 15 years instead of 3. You could have had children with him and be stuck with him in your life forever.Allow yourself to grieve. Rebuild your life and move forward.
A
female
reader, Celest  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Hello dear!!!
Major puzzling! But the truth is that people with deep spirituality they should not confused with people that they 're fanaticaly religious. In the first situation people they try to work with themselves and the others, they 're open minded and they have develop religious Tolerance!!! They 're trying to be better, happier etc. The religious are usually fanatics and this is never good I am afraid. And you have a small blame on this situation because he did what he did because you allowed him to do all these things. You shouldn't compromise so much with a guy that shows that you re not his priority. Nevertheless it is not late... Review, learn from your mistakes and move on. I believe that all those small disasters in our lifes are drive us to success. Is our preparation to prevail, eventually! I wish you all my best, I hope you to find the right man and to be happy!!!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Oops, I forgot: Wear your fisherwoman's sandals, and you'll become a fisherwoman of men. Never better said: "There are plenty of fish in the sea".
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 August 2011):
Many people will hate me for saying this, but not all churchgoers are nice people. Before people throw metaphorical (and perhaps even real) stones at me, however, let us all remember that even Jesus said that not everyone who called him "Lord" would be with him in Paradise. He did not become a jerk: he was one when he met you, only he knew he wouldn't attract you if he showed his true self.
From what I see, dear poster, your man is in an abusive, rather cultic religious group. Trust me on this one: those people can't be saved unless they want to save themselves, and Mr. "I expose myself as a joke" doesn't seem to want that. He's also crazy, or at least he is now a drone. Your staying with him would do you and your daughter a lot of harm, and your heart would be broken into innumerable pieces, as many as the stars in the sky and the sands at the seas (See, I'm getting Abrahamic here). The old car is nothing compared to life with this guy. Those three years are a little loss compared to what would happen later. Your daughter is very right.
So, call yourself lucky and don't go back to him. The world is a nice place and there are many men out there who are nice and are not crazy.
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