A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:9 months ago my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. We lived together for the 2nd half of our relationship. While we were together he told me that marriage scared him; he would need to know someone for a very long time (and live with them) before he could ever get engaged. He said he loved me and thought we might potentially get married someday, otherwise he wouldn't have moved in.When we broke up, he told me he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to get married or have kids. I've recently found out that he is engaged, and has been for a couple of months - in other words, he got engaged 7 months after he moved out! I am 99% sure that he wasn't seeing this girl while we were together, which means he hasn't known her for very long. they started dating 1-2 months after he moved out.I am confused as to how this can possibly be? How can someone change their outlook on life so quickly, and how can he be ready for an engagement when I am still having trouble dating?We are both in our early 30s.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008): Remember he is engaged to this woman - he hasn't married her yet. Engagements can go on for years! When people are behaving rationally they will say things like he said to you, such as 'I would never marry anyone without knowing them for a long time' and other such sentiments. If he has met a forceful controlling type woman he may well have gone along with her wishes of wanting to get married. Your way is right, being flexible and just going with the flow is the right way to be. Controlling , forceful woman never make men happy long term. The fact of the matter is what he said to you is not how he has behaved with another. You can do nothing about this and sitting wondering why he has behaved differently will just drive you mad. Compartmentalise this because it is a question that you are never going to get a satisfactory answer to and you need to accept this. He said one thing to you and behaved differently with this other woman. You are upset and hurt as this is what you wanted with him. At the moment this isn't going to happen so put it out of your mind, easier said than done I know. Try to remove yourself from things to do with him so you are not reminded all the time and do not try to find out things about what he is doing or anything like that as it does not help. Very, very slowly why he said one thing and did another will not be so important. I do understand how this has and is making you feel and I am thinking about you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the thoughts. The thing is, none of it makes any sense to me. He always told me he'd have to know someone for a really long time before he could marry them - he'd need to know them inside and out, and know everything about them, and live with them first to make sure they were compatible living together. I had a friend who got engaged while we were together to a guy she'd been dating for only 5 months, and we both agreed it was insane to move so quickly. Now he's doing the same thing, and I just don't understand it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): My now husband was with someone for a long time. They split up for reasons that i never understood and then we met very quickly after it. I kept asking my now husband about what went wrong and all this kind of thing but he used the usual phrase of we just grew apart. 6 months later we got married. All I can say many years later is it should never have happened as he never got over her. it actually was even worse than this because this woman died so she then became of fairy tale proportions. Someone getting married so quickly after a long relationship is not a good idea, it is nearly always a re-bound and men tend to grab the first woman around that shows interest. Truthfully i don't think anyone can move on that quickly and long term I don't think it will last and he will at all times compare her to you. This however is down to him and you need to think about you and you getting on with your own life. What he does or doesn't do is now out of the equation so you need to find someone nice who wants to be there for you and marry you when the time is right. Just try to put him out of your mind and be open to offers from other guys and see what is out there. It will take time but someone else will come along who probably suits you better.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (8 November 2008):
Wow, I guess she just knew how to control him with emotional blackmail.
Where as you actually let him have a mind and opinions of his own.
Don't think of it as a bad judgement on you. Think of it as a sign he was stupid enough to lose you and then jump into a relationship where he is jumping through hoops like a little dog.
His loss.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, babomi  +, writes (8 November 2008):
 it always sucks when this happens, you ve been the one laying the ground for him to straighten himself emotionnally and finally accept to take it to a next level, but not with you
he seemed to have learnt something from your relationship, you ve to find what to learn from this story too
is it because the attraction was not sufficient? is it because the relationship soured too much and could not be salvaged?
think about it to find understanding so that your future relationships will be better
but don t get obsessed with him, he is out of your life
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