A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend told me that he doesn't want to be with me because he isn't capable of truely loving anyone and doesn't want to hurt me. He also doesn't want to have sex with me because he knows I will end up getting hurt. I think that my boyfriend must love me if he cares so much and doesn't want to hurt me. Today He told me that he can't see it working out between us and that he wants to just go back to being friends. I know he had a hard childhood with his parents getting divorced, but I think he must have been abused or had something really tramatic happen to him as a child to make him this way. I love my boyfriend so much and want to help him, but I don't know how. How could someone be incapable of loving? Also I feel like my boyfriend is trying to push me away whenever we get closer. He has told me just wants to be friends once before, but we ended up dating again. How can I make my boyfriend stop trying to protect me and to just be with me? Should I just stay friends for now? Also what could make my boyfriend say he is incapable of loving me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): you boyfriend need some encouragement
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): A portrait of self hate
Posted June 4th, 2009 by bridget24
What it is to love an addict?
It is pain one can not truly put into words. It is a disease worse than any cancer.
It kills you for loving the addict. You enter a world of your own personal hell.
You exhaust all your energy and efforts into the disease, into the world of the addict. And you never come close to the bottom of it.
You search for the truth. You search for understanding but yet the addict pushes you further and further away into your own hell.
You begin to rationalize which is worse, life with the addict or life without the addict? You want the addict to love you more than his drugs. You beg and plead and they only hurt you with their words and actions.
The addict beats you down. Beats down your self esteem and self worth.
You in essence become an addict. Addicted to the pain, addicted to what little bit the addict will give to you.
You welcome it just so you feel as though you are still a piece of them.
You contemplate, your life in this hell and you wonder can you continue to live with this pain. The pain is so deep, it rips you from inside and it won't stop.
You are in constant fear. Anxiety has taken over your world.
You can't enjoy life. You can't enjoy life while you know the love you have is for the addict.
You pray and you hope the addict will return your love.
You believe your fight is strong. You believe you can conquer the addict with your love.
You dream of once was, the love you felt so strong between you and you mourn everyday that is gone. You mourn your life.
You mourn the reality of the one you love, the drug addict.
You wish you could die. You don't want to wake up and feel the pain another day.
Your wrought with anguish. You cry every night.
You wonder why, why me? Why did God put me on this earth? Why did he put me here to endure this suffering?
You begin to believe you are somehow bad for loving this person. Loving this person with this horrible disease that lies, steals and hurts.
You begin to question your own sanity. You wonder, did they ever feel love for me? Did they ever truly love me? Or was it all part of the drug addicts world?
You wonder, was I ever a reality for this love of mine?
You wonder how much more you can bleed with pain. You just want it to stop and it won't. The pain just won't leave.
You don't want to accept that you love an addict. You believe no matter what the addict really does love you, he is just sick.
And that makes you sick. You don't want to wake up anymore feeling this pain, this pain of loving a drug addict.
Your in hell and you can't get out of it.
You die inside.
A little more each day you die and you welcome the death. Anything to get you out of this hell filled with pain.
You wake up each morning and wish you didn't.
You pray for God to put you out of this suffering. For him to take pity on your suffering and end your life. You have no life when you love a drug addict.
In the end the disease has killed you too.
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A
female
reader, AngellicaWaters +, writes (2 July 2009):
 What you are doing right now is punishing yourself. You are with someone who just can't give you all of themselves (heart, mind, body) and on top of that he has problems with addiction. This is not a healthy relationship and he trying to do the right thing by pushing you away, but it takes two people in a relationship to do what is right. I know the love you have for him is strong for you right now, but your boyfriend really needs to get himself some help for his addiction and figure out how to love himself first. If you can't be just his friend, it would be best for you to give one another some time and space. If you really love him and care for him, give him time to help himself and deal with his problems alone. He needs to find his own strength. If your relationship is meant to work out, as your intuition is telling you, then it absolutely will. But you have to do right by one another first. This is a very rocky foundation for any relationship. You have to build on a stable foundation, so try to give him time to establish his own before he invites you to share with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): I know you're going to do it anyway- but your going to be fighting a losing battle. It may take years before you realize it but eventually you will. He's playing the sympathy card. You're going to do everything in your power to "help" him, and in the end its going to be you needing help. This is a very familiar scenario to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone thanks for the advice. It helped but I'm not sure if my boyfriend was trying to let me down gently. I hungout with him today and when I was leaving his house he kept hugging me and telling me what a great friend I was. Also I am clinging on to him because I think he does want a relationship but doesn't see how it can work. He is a drug addict, but I know that he is going to change and that things will work out. I know that sounds stupid and that the smart thing would be to stay away from this guy but I feel like it is the right thing to do and I always go along with my intuition. Anyways I know that he loves me as a friend and is attracted to me, but I don't know if I can be his friend when I am in love with him.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 July 2009):
 I agree that he's just trying to let you down gently, too gently apparently. Since this relationship is pretty one sided, friendship may be impossible. You can give the friends bit a try but it may just turn out to be too painful for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): Your boyfriend is telling you that he cannot be trusted with your heart. He cares about you, but he is not in love with you and he wants to be friends with benefits, that is it....if he sees another girl he is interested in he will want to go out with her.
He isn't old enough or at a place in his life where he wants to be tied down to just one woman and instead of saying that and being honest with himself and you, he is making this about his lack of ability to love, yeah, I don't think so, it isn't about his childhood, he is just not mature enough to take you to happy ever after and ask you to marry him and you are hanging onto him because you love him and you don't want to see the relationship for what it truly is. One with an ending coming on the horizon.
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A
female
reader, TheAgonyAunt  +, writes (1 July 2009):
 I dont think this guy is really into you if he keeps saying these things. Hasn't him saying I don't truely love anyone and don't want to have sex with you because of this enough to make you realise that he doesn't want to be with you?
Maybe he does care about you, but not 'in that way' because you can love someone without having a desire for them. If he has told you he just wants to be friends, listen to him.
I think you should find someone who truely loves you and wants to be with you, find someone better. Trust me.
=)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): he doesnt want to be with you but he doesnt want to hurt you. Don't think there's something wrong with you. Eventually he will fall in love wit someo ne who may be more of his type, and you will fall in love with someone who reciprocateds
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (1 July 2009):
It's possible he's just trying to break up with you without being too mean. The famous "it's not you, it's me." It seems to me he doesnt want to be with you, I know you didnt want to hear that. But from the info you gave - he's screaming that loud and clear, maybe you're just closing your ears? Its a possibility anyway.
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (1 July 2009):
It's possible he's just trying to break up with you without being too mean. The famous "it's not you, it's me." It seems to me he doesnt want to be with you, I know you didnt want to hear that. But from the info you gave - he's screaming that loud and clear, he's just not being as direct as he needs to be.
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