A
female
age
41-50,
*nelostlove
writes:This is long but I need help! I have been married for almost 10 years with 3 kids. I know all relationships have ups n downs. Here's my story! We have had many great times and also are down times. He plays in a band, works full time his own business, we have rentals. I work full time as a home health. Well to make this short in Oct of 2011 my husband told me he loves me very much but is no longer in love with me. I found out that he was/is texting this young woman she's 27 and he's 40. So I asked him to leave as I was destroyed and he went to our rental where she still rents from us and is still paying rent. He comes n sees the kids every night and does stuff around the house that is needed. He decided to buy a house 3 houses from our home. He finally moved all his stuff out. It took 5 months for him to do that. He's not living there due to his new girlfriend. He stays with her and has been. He calls me n texts seeing how I'm doing n how the kids are and if I need anything. He still says he cares and hopes to work past this. Has anyone ever forgiven someone n work it out and got their family back? How can anyone say they care n all that but want someone else? Do I just move on with out him? I do love him n the kids miss him. Any help wouldBe great. Sorry its so long...
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female
reader, onelostlove +, writes (23 February 2012):
onelostlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes changing the locks I did 2 days after I asked him to leave. I do always put everyone else way before myself. My daughter is older and we went on a little shopping trip. Along with a woman's night out with friends. I do know everything happens for reasons.
I have been trying to put myself first after this happened. I always feel guilty when I go out for adult life. Lol but that's OK I still try to make time for myself with friends and family.
Thanks again for the info. :) very helpful place to come. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): OP , hugs from us all!Im so glad u changed the locks. Glad that u are now proactive.He can see the kids: he needs to take them to his place. If u dont trust him then get a trustworthy adult to supervise those visits. By him taking the kids away from your home it makes u have quality time for yourself. U will get a chance to find yourself again. U will slowly heal and will slowly love again.Before i forget , as women we often dont take proper care of ourselves. We tend to think of ourselves last. Well, that ends now! So, dry those tears, get a baby sitter: then do some shopping. Makeup. Get a new sexy, manageable hair do. Revamp yourself. Can u picture a new you. Then start believing it! Lots of luck and be blessed. Yes u have 3 kids who need you but u need to be strong amd proactive. I repeat become financially fit. Seek the service of a sharp attorney. Make certain he pays maintenance for the kids. Yes give him visitation rights bec u will need that time alone to find yourself. When all else is lost, u need to start looking at a higher being and believe.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, onelostlove +, writes (22 February 2012):
onelostlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your info. I have changed the locks, and told him the only thing I care to talk about is the kids period. I know everyone makes mistakes but u don't keep trying to say u care n keep walking away. I am seeing a lawyer.
I know one day things will be better. Like I have told him a real man deals with stuff as a team a little boy runs away. I am happy to find this web page. It has helped. The one thing that hurts is the kids miss him so much and want to see him everyday that's the only reason I allow it. I need to stop being a doormat and put my foot down. Its just hard when it comes to my kids. I feel like if I tell him no on seeing the kids I'm not doing the right thing for the kids. Thanks again everyone. Good luck in life paths!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 February 2012):
 It wasn’t long at all. My dad had a midlife crisis and moved out for a few months and had a girlfriend. My mom forgave him and he came home… they were married 25 years when it happened and they had 21 more together before she died. She forgave him and he never gave her a reason to doubt him again.
IN your case, I think he’s having his cake and eating it too. Contact a good divorce lawyer… file for a legal separation. Set up visitation for him with his children. (Two nights a week for dinner and then every other weekend is pretty standard) and tell him that he no longer can just drop by and visit.
IN addition, make sure that the separation papers state how much child support he needs to be giving you and make sure that he does it. If he does not have the lawyer file to garnish his wages.
He’s getting it all right now. Time to take half the dinner off the plate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): I say call his bluff, initiate divorce proceedings,see a solicitor next week, start talking division of financial assets, maintenance. Let the children go to him, arrange regular contact - but at his house only. He wanted to leave,start a new life, so let him see the true reality of the situation.
At the moment he has his cake and you where he wants you.
You don't have to be nasty, just very firm, take control of your life and the childrens.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): "How can anyone say they care n all that but want someone else?"Easy. More difficult to for someone to say he cares and MEAN it when he wants someone else. In fact, impossible. Sorry bros, but spilling a secret to a chick in need: When a guy SAYS something and DOES the opposite, believe what he DOES instead of what he SAYS. Words require much less effort than actions, that's why it's so much easier to SAY something and not mean it, than it is to DO something and not mean it (not only harder, but pointless as well, that's the whole point of lying, it's easy and chicks will never accept actions at face value, chicks always need to ask "why would he" or "how could he" when the answer ALWAYS along the lines of "to get what he wants" or "to have it both ways" or "to string her along" or "to get away with it")
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A
female
reader, onelostlove +, writes (22 February 2012):
onelostlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the info. I have been trying to put my foot down on things when I do its like he acts like he's 3! I am going to put my foot down. As I have been told he can't have his cake n eat it too. Thanks for this info once again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): the only person whom your hb cares about is HIMSELF: he is stalling/he is playing mind games/ he is taking u to be a fool because:- since u are waitingfor him to come back it means that u are still going to waste more of your years. -u are being taken for a ride bec he is free t f@ck around while trying to pretend that he is there for u- his text msgs and coming around all the time means that u do not see him as the bad guy. u look at his humanitarian work and say wow: my hb still cares. this is bulldust.- your hb was having an affair before u told u. so shen he moved out he went straight to his lover.- you have rentals: so it means that u two are comfortable financially. is he not hiding away assets/finances while u are clueless?- what are your rights in a divorce. have u seen a divorce attorney? by keeping quiet and not doing anything about your hbs cheating ways it means that u are wilfully blind to his wrong act. it means that somehow u are condoning his wrong act. (i know it is not the case BUT your silence means that u are a bigger fool that u originally thought. and this is the way he wants u to be: sorry to be blunt, just trying to open your eyes)- forgive him for cheating?: if someone is remorseful, if someone genenuinely makes a mistake then by all means. but your hb still continues to live with his lover while u hope that he will somehow decide that he wants u.- why do u want to be second best? he left to be with his lover. he is still with her so why do u think things will change?- honey, yes u say u love him BUT what do u love. his cheating. his manipulation. his conniving ways. he appears to care for u BUT it is his actions that speak volumes- he has played u all along and he continues: u are soooo grateful that he comes back to do the odd stuff and u think that he is a decent caring human being. all the while he is not! look at what he has done and he continues to do critically.legal separation? divorce? this is a reality. look at your options. why pine for someone who doesnt want you. yes we all have marriage issues but we seek the services of a counsellor not a lover!become financially fit. know your rights. i hate women who are treated as dorrmats by their cheating hbs but wait for them to come back, putting their lives on hold, waiting for the near impossible. why? bec our lives are too damn precious to waste on people who betray us, people who use us, and people who destroy our zest for living.OP, stoplooking at your hb as a saint. start looking critically at what he has done to u and your family. he has destroyed your family life. he is a con man and u lap up his actions. if he texts u, ignore it. if he comes to the house dont accomodate him. start becoming firm. start becoming strong. basically he needs to know that he is not welcome in your home. if he wants to see the kids then make proper arrangements. he cannot just rock up. change your locks if need be (oh plse dont tell me you still let him keep the house keys?) please remember u did not throw your marriage away. HE DID. so heal. do not wait for him . ignore his attempts to hoodwink you. Honey, he replaced u with a 27 year old. he aint coming back. he is just trying to feel less guilty so that when he decides to end the marriage and when people start finding out, he can say that he did not neglect his family. come on now, see the serpent for what he really is.yes this is a very difficult time BUT u can take charge and u can survive this. u need to believe in yourself and stop waiting for the cheater to come back home. and anyways why would u want this cheater back? so that he can do it agaian and again, knowing u are desperate for him? just think about this. be proactive and kick him to the curb when he makes an appearance. plse realise that he is not confused. no one is holding a gun to his head. he is doing what he wants and he knows that he he has gotten away with everything.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (22 February 2012):
Well I just know that loads of people get to 40 and have a crisis of some sort. The whole midlife crisis thing does truly exist, people worry about what they have acheived so far, whether they have taken the right path, and they suddenly start to feel old. So when a young woman comes into the equation, a man might not weigh up the pros and cons correctly, he will just make major changes, shack up with a younger woman and feel like that is the answer to his current feeling of dissatisfaction with life. When men have affairs under these conditions many quickly realise their folly and go back to their wife if they are lucky enough to be accepted. The grass is mostly not greener on the other side of the fence.Some women who take their men back claim it makes their marriage stronger in the long term but I don't buy that. I would have lost respect for my husband for showing a lack of judgement, upsetting the kids and trying to keep you on the back burner for when he's "worked past" it. My own opinion is that you should maintain a cordial rapport for the sake of your children but make it clear that things can't go back to the way they were. You have been disrespected in a major way, so don't let yourself be trampled on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): Hi,
Sorry to hear about what is happening in your marriage...
When your husband stated in Oct 2011 that he "loves you but is not in love with you" then the next step would be to work on the relationship, NOT seek someone else.
If he says he cares and hopes to work through this, then he needs to put actions to that, not live with another girlfriend. That is not working on things. That is complicating things and hurting you beyond reason.
You ask if someone can be forgiven for this? I believe only if he leaves the girlfriend, cuts contact with her, puts her in the past, and focuses on YOU, makes YOU a priority and apologises for what he has done, seeks your forgiveness, THEN you can forgive and move on. You cannot work on a marriage with a third party still active in the picture.
Do you move on without him? Only you will know the answer to that. You say YOU LOVE HIM, so if you are willing to set boundaries that he can see the children, and not allow him to have the comfort of home while continuing with inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour (having a girlfriend while married) then perhaps if you put your foot down and not allow it, he will realise what he stands to lose. Otherwise, he is getting away with it - you are allowing the behaviour by him coming around to fix things, contact you to ask about you and the kids, etc. Unless he is your full time spouse, he loses the benefit of knowing about you and your life, when he chooses to go live with another girl! Don't allow this.
Try and focus on other things while he sorts himself out: i.e. chooses whether he wants to continue with the girlfriend, or returns to his marriage and actually works on it for real. He needs tough love to get out of this limbo situation.
Best of Luck
xxxx E
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