A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have three sisters.One of my sisters, Victoria (not real name), who's 36, left her partner due to domestic violence (after a 1.5-year long relationship, they moved in together not long into the relationship and she only moved in with him to get round lockdown rules about couples) and moved to a secret location after reporting it to police, but they told her they can't help, as they're trying to put all their resources into dealing with a software piracy gang. They claimed they didn't have enough in the budget for domestic violence.She told me how disappointed she was (via Skype) and I feel upset for her and worried about this.`While she's got our support, how should we as a family cope now that the police have told her that software piracy is more important than domestic violence?She is very open about how she made a foolish choice with this man, and figured moving in with him was the only way to deal with the lockdowns (at the time) and date him. However, she didn't have the benefit of hindsight.We had no reason to think he was a bad guy, he seemed nice enough.My sister constantly sends us WhatsApps but worries about things sometimes.She told us how he forced her to wear men's clothes claiming other guys wouldn't look at her in pubs and clubs or on the daily shop (but what the hell, pubs nightclubs were CLOSED at the time, doesn't that show how idiotic he was with his ideas?) and that he ranted at her if he didn't get EXACTLY the brands of food he wanted; apparently he went for my sister because we were wealthier than him (we're middle-class, the guy was, apparently, not poor, but certainly not homeless, just a guy who worked in a local scrapyard). She also told me how he yelled at her if he didn't let him wear her bikinis and once she had to spend hours cleaning them due to, well... skidmarks in her bikini, and one was a highly expensive bikini.She told us she's glad she wasn't physically abused but she was left temporarily mentally scarred.As it is, she told us she's met this lovely woman, Patricia (not her real name), 28 years old, who's an American expat residing here and she wants to go on a date with her soon; she feels ready for it.I/my sisters can't warn her against it, but at the same time, are we wrong to be worried about her wanting to go straight into dating not long after?As it is, Victoria's into both men and women, but for her, it's just "I like who I like, fuck the people who make a big deal out of sexuality", she's told us it's mostly been 49% women, 51% men (she's a bit of a maths geek at times, not in an annoying way; just comes with the territory of the jobs she's worked in, they've always required maths as a skill); she's worked in sales and I guess, maths is important.Victoria told us she wants help to stop herself becoming mentally stressed over this and wants to know if there's any other alternatives to the usual "Go to counselling"... she said she will go to counselling but there has to be other options so she's not put all her eggs in one basket.In general, what's your opinion on the police's response to things? Is it weird that they told her directly about piracy being a bigger priority?I love my sister, we've always had a good relationship.Am I being a good sister to her?I'm looking for general advice on things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2021): I don't mean to be skeptical of your sister's remarks about the police-response to her domestic-violence complaint. It seems very odd for law enforcement to be that blatantly dismissive. They usually fake concern, claim their hands are tied for some reason or another; but wouldn't dare admit that they can't handle their workload for any given specific reason. They seem a little too familiar, and must know something about her situation.
She will have to do her research to find women's shelters and counselors for victims of physical and emotional domestic-abuse. She will definitely require counseling; or she could suffer trauma, and become emotionally-despondent or disabled.
In defense of your sister, I'd have to say, she was probably very scared, not willing to rat him out; and didn't seem adamant about pressing any charges. Fearful he'll get arrested and might lose his job.
If the police don't sense any immediate threat, they'll do what police will typically do. They'll downplay your complaint; so they won't have to be bothered with filing an official report. Sometimes male-cops are strangely indifferent to female domestic-violence complaints; because they might sympathize with the male perpetrator of violence. In all fairness, they are not there to patrol women who choose bad-guys for boyfriends. Not faulting any woman for being victims of violence; but there's not enough cops to go-out and investigate what amounts to be their poor choices! Imagine the volume of calls received during covid lock-down? Cops are also scared of these vicious guys; who will do only God knows what, when confronted by police officers!
I always suggest that women ask to speak to a female-officer; appeal to her empathy and compassion, and she is more likely to take your complaint seriously. Not if she knows you won't press charges, you're going to drop the charges; or turn right around and go back to the guy. As most women do! If you have a history of calls, and no charge are ever pressed; officers of both genders will give-up on you. They have to weigh the situation on its merits. Is this just a disturbance, and it will all cool-down? Otherwise, is she actually in a life or death situation? If we remove her, where will she go? If we remove him, will she just let him back in?
Why should they put their necks on the line trying to diffuse a domestic-violence call, if she won't press charges or changes her mind when they arrive? Usually, the victim will not leave him; and if he gets arrested, they'll come and bail him out. Not to say your sister would, but the police aren't really in the business of resolving relationship problems.
Seems these days, you have to weed through too many bad-cops to find the good-ones. Not a cop-hater here, my brother is a retired police captain. He's got some stories!!! Police departments have their priorities mixed-up over cases, wasted budgets, politics, or dwindling funding from city budgets, bad-cops out of control; while citizens are being attacked, or killed! Meanwhile, their districts are being overrun by the criminals! Women in danger call for help, and they'll get what your sister got! You'll have to write and address your mayor, local officials and political representatives, the commissioner of police, and talk to the news media.
When you find yourself isolated and distanced from family; with no support-system whatsoever, you have to flee to a local church, or a house of worship. They are usually equipped for community-outreach; and to find you counseling, comfort, temporary shelter, and food.
You want to know why churches or houses of worship are the very last resort people will turn-to to find help nowadays? They don't want to be judged, procelitized, or preached to! They can't stand "holy" environments, or hearing talk about some invisible God; and would go anywhere but to a church! Well, they are usually the closest and safest environments you can find, and they're never that far away. It's the last place an evil-man will come looking for you!
I would suggest you all pool resources, and buy her a ticket home. She will still have to go to counseling, because she stuck around long enough to be psychologically and emotionally-traumatized. If not treated for her emotional-trauma; she will return to him, find another guy like him, or worse.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (17 March 2021):
 My faith in the police has been eroded over many years of negative personal experience. In the UK at the moment, the police seem to have unlimited resources to arrest someone for visiting an elderly vulnerable relative but claim they don't have sufficient resources to investigate burglaries, muggings and - yes - domestic violence.
That said, I do know that domestic violence is particularly frustrating and difficult for police to deal with. This is because, more often than not, the victim will not press charges and, quite frequently, they will reconcile with the perpetrator. Also, because there are seldom any witnessed to the abuse, there is no "proof" as such, especially where there was no physical violence, as in your sister's case. So, despite my complete lack of faith in police in general, I can understand why they are not interested in getting involved in this case. Your sister has left her boyfriend and is now safe. That is the most important thing.
Whether she should be dating someone else so quickly or not is really not anyone's business except hers. She is an adult, assumed to be of "sound mind", so she is allowed to make her own choices and decisions, bad or good as they may be. She is not the first, and won't be the last, to rush into another relationship to help heal the wounds of the previous one. The likelihood of that relationship lasting long term is minimal. Rebound relationships are usually intense and burn out quickly.
For the sake of your own sanity and peace of mind, I would step back and allow your sister to lead her life as she sees fit. Acknowledge and accept she is an adult who should live her life as she sees fit. Just be there for her when/if it all goes pear-shaped. You cannot protect her from herself.
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