A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for some insight into why my husband does what he does. We’ve been married twenty years I have noticed for a very long time that when I will say something or give an opinion he will often appear to listen but often just agree or just not engage much with it . Then later down the track he will be talking to another person who offers the exact same opinions or information and he will later tell me how ‘x was saying this and what a great idea ‘ or he will talk about the discussion. They had and offer this persons opinions as if they are new and fresh ideas he had never heard again and that he is impressed or excited by them It could be something as simple as me saying I think something is a great idea for a business . He will say hmmm I’m not sure but then a few weeks later someone had suggested this great business idea and isn’t that clever Or it could be me offering an opinion on a social injustice or issue and he says yeah Maybe but then he’s at a bbq or work and someone raises these really clever points about the same issue and guess what ? They were exactly what I was saying but coming from me apparently they don’t hold any weight or importance to himIt makes me feel like he doesn’t care what I have to say or think I have any thing of value to add to a discussion . I realise this is not true and it’s not about self esteem because within myself I feel fine but I do feel that feeling ones partners values ones opinions is pretty important I’ve tried many times talking to him about it and he says he does listen to me and he denies doing this .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2021): I had to laugh at all the assumptions by wise owl that I’m some demure non assertive woman who lets him ignore me and ‘cowers’ to his raised voice . Laughable
No actually I often pull him up and he is just simply not a very engaged person when it comes to conversing . He will be more introverted . Even with others who raise the topics I do , he won’t necessarily tell them to their face that he agrees or likes their ideas . He will mention it to me later
But no , I’m not some meek little Christian woman who believes man is the head of the house
I am actually well educated and yes intelligent woman who speaks assertively
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2021): You just described good old-fashioned chauvinism! It just can't be that profound coming from the lady who cooks his food, makes his bed, and pushes-out his babies!
He was brought-up in an old-school environment; where his dad was the head of the household, had the first and last-word; and anything mother had to say was subject to censorship or his approval. Maybe she was just downright ignored! Unfortunately, that testosterone-infused power was probably abused; and males in his family may have been shown the worst role-models ever! It was part of his developmental-conditioning by society, from his childhood upbringing, and partially from YOU!
Dumb-brutes like you've described are usually a little slow; but it makes them feel smarter to look-down on their wives, and any female. Careful not to let her get an idea that she could be smarter than he is! It was his likely averageness, his somewhat undaunted humble-ways, and old-school masculinity that attracted you to him. You didn't pay attention to how he views the opinions and roles of women. Now you're woke, and you don't like it anymore. If he's a professional or well-educated man; you've played in his shadow for so long, that you don't cast one of your own anymore!
Yes, I included YOU as partially to blame! You've lived with this man 20-something years; and you've let him slide. If you said something, you didn't make sure he was paying attention. Time and time again, you allowed him to mumble or nod in fake-agreement; without actually confirming that he was actually listening. You probably allow him to correct you like a child, knowing you're right. You'll cower at his raised-voice, to avoid pissing him off. All completely submissive and timid behavior.
Did you ever challenge him to repeat what you just said verbatim? You're probably very sweet, demure, very lady-like, soft, and feminine. You've never stood-up to him, you'll back-down when he barks, and maybe you're very submissive in his presence. Women who assert themselves don't get treated by their husbands that way. They'll make damned sure he's listening; if they have to repeat it until his ears fall-off! They'll repeat it in such a nagging and screeching-tone, he'll make sure he listens! They will demand attention, not plead or beg for it!
This late in life, don't expect much change; but you can modify the behavior. When you speak to him, insist he look at you in the eyes when you're speaking. Don't speak from another room; or try and get attention when he's distracted by television or reading. Naturally, you won't get anyone's undivided-attention when you're talking to the back of their heads, or competing with background-noise.
He has a sense of intellectual-superiority over you; because you've been agreeable and always took the backseat. He respects you with not much more than the level of a child. Over these past years, you've probably listened to him without question, never challenged his opinions; and maybe you've allowed him to lie to your face, knowing he was at the time! Yet you didn't call him out on it! Well, all that conditioning over the years culminates into what you have now, my dear!
From now on, when you have an idea; preface it by saying, "I want you to listen to what I'm saying!" Then ask him, "hon, what did I just say?" If he can't repeat it, then treat him like a obstinate child; slowly repeat it somewhat as if speaking to a distracted student in your classroom. Tilt your head, and ask him to tell you exactly what he thinks about what you just said? If he's dismissive, it's because he's not used to you being bold and actually putting any force behind what you say. He tunes you out, and dismisses you; because he's a condescending jackass, and he has gotten away with it for decades!
You have to practice, and you will become frustrated; because you can't teach an old-dog new tricks overnight. You have to wear-down some old barriers; and rebuild a new bridge of communication.
Put some "umph" in your tone. Speak with authority. Tell him straight to his face he is condescending, and very disrespectful. You are sick of it, and things are going to change about it!!!
Then practice, practice, practice! Be assertive, make sure he's listening. Freely give all the opinions and express all the ideas you like! He doesn't have to agree, he doesn't have to rejoice over every little idea that pops out of your mouth.
All he has to do is listen with some modicum of interest, take you seriously, appreciate your candidness; and above all, acknowledge and respect your intelligence!
Your gender does not reduce your intellect; and it does not subtract any importance from what you have to say.
Straighten your back, and tell him straight-up to his face; you will no longer be treated as if you're stupid, and everybody else who talks to him shares their DNA with Einstein!!! You are done with that! Practice cutting him off while he's speaking. Speak over him when he's rambling nonsense you don't care to hear. Give him a little taste of what it feels like when people don't wish to hear what you're saying. You've shown him the respect and politeness you felt he deserved, now get some back!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2021): I don't know what your relationship is like otherwise, so I can't say more than this:Have your ever noticed how most of us are more polite with the people we don't live with? I'm not saying we're rude with the ones we live with, are married to, go out with... but we tend to be more relaxed. In my opinion, your husband could be just being nice to those other people whose idea he "likes", whose opinions he "shares", whom he seems to listens to. He probably doesn't care one way or another. He probably isn't interested (at all?) in whatever these other people (or you) are talking to him about. But he's more comfortable with you and that's why he shows he's disinterest openly. Now, he may be one of those people who have pretty narrow interests and are self-centered, meaning that when they are comfortable with someone they tend to invest themselves less. Some just talk about whatever it is they care about and then not listen (or loosely pretend to) whatever others are telling. Some just keep to themselves and nod, or "mhmmm" when others are talking. Some do both.You know what your relationship is like. But from what you say, I think your husband is a bit too comfortable with you. People don't always share the same interests and frankly not all people can tell a story in an engaging way. Yes. Some people (even the ones we love) are boring TO US (no one is boring period). But when you are with someone, you LISTEN to them, not because you are engrossed with their storytelling or because you care about the subject, but because you care about that person. This attachment (love or kinship) can help you become interested! But it's an effort. It doesn't come naturally with things that don't interests us. I don't know what kind of advice I could give you... You should take a look at yourself and your husband and see who you really are. That we'll help you understand the dynamics of your relationship better. Just for laughs, I'd find an article about something he's really passionate about, but something he hasn't heard of and I'd talk to him about it to see his reaction.
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