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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For starters, my boyfriend smokes weed and I don't. He's 22, lives with his best friend of 10 years and I'm his first girlfriend. I'm 19, live with my mom, and he is my first serious relationship. He only smokes with his best friend, which is every day, but at the same time he is incredibly responsible about it. He doesn't drive or go to work when he's high, things like that. I don't smoke because I had bad expierneces with it, and I simply have no desire to get high.At first, I didn't have a problem with his pot smoking. I trust him with it, and honestly didn't mind him when he was high. I'm pretty laid back and calm, so it isn't hard for me to hang out with him and his friends when they're smoking.Now the weed is starting to become an issue for me. I love being with him when he's sober. He's much more affectionate, and obviously pays much more attention to me when he's sober. But the rest of the time, it feels like he only wants me with him when his roomate isn't there to smoke with him.We had three days off of work together this week, and he didn't even come close to contacting me the first two days, and even when I finally invited myself over just to see him, he was too stoned to even notice I was there, and if I had never invited myself over, I wouldn't of seen him at all(which is important because I didn't get a chance to be with him the week before).Everyone I talk to about this always says "Tell him it's you or the weed!" but I do not want to give him that ultimatum. It doesn't seem fair to say that when he's so responsible about it. I also can't tell him not to smoke when I'm around because it's his best friends apartment, and his best friends weed, so it doesn't really work like that.Is there any other way I can work around his weed smoking? Am I just being too needy? Also, when it comes to talking to him about how I feel, how can I tell him in a way that doesn't sound like I want him to choose between me and the pot? I just hate sitting around and waiting for him to sober up enough to remember that he has a girlfriend who wants to be with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): I also wanted to point out that back in the day, in the 70's when I was partaking in marijuana use, it was not the same world it is today. Although there were people who used some terrible stuff like heroin, they were few and far between and the criminal element was far removed form the occassional pot smoker.Not so much anymore..Further, there are a lot of immediately addicting drugs out there like ecstasy for example.Dr Drew says that very often all it takes is one use of ectasy for a person to be addicted to it, and that drug changes the brain chemistry so drastically that it is almost impossible to ever recover from addiction, and leads to the misuse of many other drugs as well.Dr. Drew is an internist and board certified in addiction medicine, is Medical Director for the Department of Chemical Dependency Services at Las Encinas Hospital in Pasadena, California, still runs a private practice, and is Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the Keck USC School of Medicine. He is the celebrity doctor that runs Celebrity Rehab seen on VH1. (He also has triplets, can you imagine, and he still has time for all of this)See what you can accomplish in life when you are not For drugs or are on drugs?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): Yeah, Q I am with you. The marijuana we smoked in the 70's was pure fun and instant uncontrollable laughter.
The stuff that is today is really potent, kicks your ass into zombieville and makes you paranoid as hell, and stupider than a tree stump. For everyday smokers it also tends to give them a false self confidence and that they are coming accross as sensible when nothing could be further from the truth. I have worked with some of these every day before work I smoke a blunt kind of people and all I can say is oh my, dumber than a box of rocks.
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 Think of weed as if it were alcohol... someone drinking every day is way over the limit and damaging their health. Same goes for weed, but the health bit isn't damaged as much. Stimulants or depressants of any kind shouldn't be used too much, without a doctors agreement. Too much coffee, too much weed, too much alcohol, too much fast food (additives), all these things are bad for us if we do them daily and are best used in moderation.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2010):
hahahaha.. you are the soul of reasonableness and open mindfulness and that is so refreshing to see....
"Would it seem reasonable if I asked if he could just smoke at night, or when he gets off work? I mean, do those conditions seem easy to bend and turn into smoking daily again after a while?"
Daily smoking isn't good for anyone.. that means he's fuzzy headed most of the time. Why don't you bring your problem to him and ask him what is reasonable for a girl in a relationship to expect. My rule used to be.. no smoking when you going to see me. Yours can be a bit more relaxed. As I said, not every night. For a start, ask him just to take two weeks off and try to remember what life felt like when you've got a clear head. Then he can go back to say, the weekend, Friday night to Sunday, with a view to being sober for work on Monday. That way he is less dependant on this friend of his, he gets time to spend with you, and when he actually smokes the buzz will be higher and more intense and he'll need less smoke to get like this.
See if you can explain what your thinking about. Two weeks break to clear the system, you two go out and do fun stuff together, things outside which he can't do right now. Then if he feels like, weekends only, or a couple of days a week. That should give him the best of both worlds, and ensure he feels relaxed but him and you are not missing out on life in a drug filled room.. I just know he'll be able to discuss this and come to a fair compromise with you, or at least that's what I'm hopping. He seems sensible, and he may not be aware how very much he's smoking at the moment, especially if it's free and he's getting it off a friend.
And his friend.. well, he can tell his friend he wants to start s new healthy lifestyle and cut down on his bad habits that may be making him too lazy.. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMiamine: I think you hit it right on the head when you said you were never afraid to tell a boyfriend not to smoke. I think I am afraid. Not because of what he’ll say, I can’t really picture him refusing to stop smoking because I ask him to. I’m more afraid of his best friend. I know my boyfriend will get tons and tons of crap from his best friend if he said I told him to cut down on it, and I guess I’m afraid of how that will affect him and if it will lead to him resenting me, or becoming bitter about it. He would be living with it around him every day, and I guess it seems kind of harsh to me to tell him no when it’s right there in his face like that.
Would it seem reasonable if I asked if he could just smoke at night, or when he gets off work? I mean, do those conditions seem easy to bend and turn into smoking daily again after a while?
And thanks everyone for all the input, it's helping me a lot. It's confusing to stay open minded and reasonable about something I don't even partake in.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2010):
I will however say.. you are 19, weed is definitely bad for teenagers and can damage your long term memory as well as raising the probability of you suffering mental problems like schizophrenia.. so don't be tempted to join him.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2010):
mmmm.. I'm pleading the fifth amendment and will only say, no comment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): Oh correction, my cousin would kill me. She graduated her under grad and her medical school summa cum laude" (Latin for "with highest honor which means her grade point average was over a 4.0.
She also was on a full scholarship during undergrad because she was a tennis champion in the South and was on the women's tennis team....so what I am saying is that drug addiction does not discriminate, it isn't just for stoner losers as your mother describes your boyfriend.
I know this is not your boyfriend's story, not yet anyway, but drug use can bring NOTHING GOOD to his life and especially not to yours. How would you like a criminal record because you were at a party with his friends and it was raided by the police or if you are stopped in the car and he has some on him...guess what, you are guilty to according to the law.....
Is this guy really worth compromising your future for?
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reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2010):
Jumping in Q1605, move out the way...
mmmm.. weed, read the real information on it's effects. You know an awful lot about it original poster. As you said, it's his short term memory that's is temporarily impaired as well as his co-ordination. He's too laid back to really concentrate on a relationship with you. You have exactly the right attitude to the whole thing.
I have no problem with weed, and know for a fact that it is useful in relieving many medical conditions, including immense pain. But I don't think daily usage is good for anyone unless they are using it for pain relief. I think most of the advice you've been given has been very sensible, and hasn't sought old outdated lies to scare you.
He's too stoned to give you enough attention. He has the ability to stop smoking when he has too. Weed is not physically addicting, and you have no strong anti-drug feelings around it's usage.
It's always best in relationships to compromise. You need to mention that he's too off his head to have fun with you and ask him to cut down his usage, probably to a couple of days a week, then decreasing to once a week and eventually to once a month, with a view to maybe stopping.
I don't have a problem with weed, but never felt afraid to demand a boyfriend not use it around me, or on the day he was coming to see me. Once they knew I wasn't anti-drugs, but I would like some clear headed quality time, they could understand.
Many people drink alcohol after work to relax, and they can be more unpleasant and suffer many more medical problems as a result. The current evidence from Scientist in the UK is that marijuana is safer than both alcohol and cigarettes and it's legal status should be reviewed.
Tell him what you told us, ask him for a couple of days where he's not stoned and high so you two can have some fun. If he sees that your not being difficult and your reasonable, I have a feeling that he'll make time for you when he's not drugged up.
You are a very intelligent mature young woman, and your approaching this problem in your relationship in the right way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): The only ideas I have for working something out is for you to expect this boy to step up to your standards instead of you lowering yours. I am telling you, NO man is worth that because it will not make you happy.
Because this is your first "serious" relationship, you have love goggles on and you are simply not thinking or making decisions, you are letting life happen to you.
You wouldn't be on here asking for help about what to do if his use of drugs did not bother you quite a bit.
I think it is interesting how every time you start talking about this you don't even Hear what you are saying.
I told you that his drug use even if it is only weed will put him in contact with some rough people, and you deny this by saying your are positive he wouldn't get involved with any sort of rough people, and in the next breath you say he and his roommate have kicked people out of the house that were on meth. Do you even hear the contradiction. What I said is that drugs will put him in contact with people he will possibly be hurt by....not that he goes out seeking them, but where there are drugs, there will be all kinds of drug addicts, pushers, dealers to follow, it is a culture of drugs. He will eventually be high enough to try PCP, Ecstasy, cocaine, vicodin, Oxycontin and all sorts of things. He is a young guy, he has poor judgement, his main goal is to be a "cool" person and he is caught up in the culture of druggies whether you want to admit it or not.
You don't understand what I am talking about because you are kept in the dark like a mushroom just like I was, you don't belong in that culture, you aren't a part of it, and he won't let you near those types because druggies don't want you to know who they are, you could potentially report them to the police. It is a culture of slang words used to communicate about selling and buying drugs that a person who isn't a street drug user wouldn't even catch..It is a culture of hiding from everyone that is not "cool" like they are, druggies stick to their own.
You can't have a relationship with a person like him. He is stoned every day and that is what he is in love with not you. The fact that he picked you for a girlfriend and you don't use drugs, lends him an air of respectability out in the world which is a perfect "cover" for his drug use...so in some small way you are being "used".
I am telling you that you don't get it neither did I but now I do.
I think you can do better. He's your first for God's sake don't let him be your last....because if he gets into some harder stuff, or let me rephrase that When he gets into some harder stuff he will convince you to try it.
I have a cousin who started using cocaine with a boyfriend in college. She got all the way through med school and became an addict, she was injecting crack cocaine (speed balling)throughout her residency and internship, she was turned in by her own step mom who is a nurse, her Dad was an anesthesiologist, I mean the girl can afford all the drugs she wants. She spent over $100,000 grand every year on Drugs!
Unless your boyfriend comes from money, when he starts using and spending he will loose everything he owns.
My cousin dated another med student and is now married to him, he is a doctor and she lost her residency and the right to practice medicine. She went through rehab 5 times after this, her dad paid for fancy rehab, the same ones the Hollywood stars go to, she got kicked out of those fro bringing drugs in, she ended up in the one that was court ordered for black prostitutes and crack heads....that is the one she finally made the connection that if she didn't stop this she was going to die.
She picked her now husband because he didn't do drugs, she needed him to give her the protection of normalcy, he didn't have a clue about her drug use for all those years, honestly, he was in the dark, wasn't in the culture and she was on the streets buying crack from black pushers who could have just as easily killed her or raped her as they could stand there and sell her drugs.
It is an ugly thing and every single one of those drug addicts started with marijuana....every one of them....and then they were in the culture of drugs...sliding down the slippery slope.
If it can happen to a girl who graduated Miami University cuma sum laude, and became a Doctor, it can happen to anyone....including you.
Hope I made my point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I hear you. I guess it’s hard for me to see this myself because I’m used to seeing him at work (we work together) totally sober, and at home stoned. It's a little confusing seeing him like that. I can't really describe it. Misleading maybe?
You’re right, I don’t know for sure how much or who he smokes with, but I’ve been there when he’s gone 2 weeks without smoking only because his best friend wasn’t at home. I’m almost positive he wouldn’t get involved with any rough kinds of people (he and his roommate have kicked people out of his apartment who were on meth for example) but am I just making excuses for him? I mean, I can’t picture him like that in my head as you are describing this to me, so I can’t tell if I’m defending him or making excuses, or just plain in denial like you said.
I understand that this is a stupid and dangerous decision he’s making by smoking, and how bad it is for a relationship, but I really don’t want to break up with him over it. Not without trying to work something out at least. Do you have any ideas for something like that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): "Whenever he’s sober, or coming off of a high, he’s really affectionate and romantic on his own, probably because his mind is clear. Not to say that he just shoves me away when he’s high, but
there’s definitely a difference between how he acts.
And he lives with his best friend, so it’s not like he’s trying to get space away from me, because usually when we hang out, it’s with all his friends anyway.
I do know that I shouldn’t think much into it, because he could be a lot worse,
but I’m just starting to like him so much better when he’s sober, and I don’t want our relationship to have to be like that."
Rhythm
You're not the first person who has told me that, my mom hates that he is a stoner loser
His personality doesn’t change for the worse, and he never seems like he HAS to smoke whenever he can’t.
He is also very adamant about not doing any other drugs, as am I,
but I do know that can change easily.
That’s why I feel kind of silly getting upset over it
because he could be a lot worse than he is. "
I want you to read these two paragraphs that are a direct quote from you. Do you see how you are in denial about your boyfriend, his relationship with weed and then with you and how you Justify his bad behavior with one of the worst justifications of all:
HE COULD BE A LOT WORSE
Your relationship will get a lot worse, I guarnatee it, you do not have drugs in common.
He needs a drugged out skank for a girlfriend, not a girl as bright as you are.
Think about it and think some more. Just because you like someone and are physically attracted to him does not make him the right person for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): You can't date a guy for his "potential". We women are natural nurturers and we think we can change a man, trust me he won't change until he is ready to.
There is no possible way that you know for sure how often or with who he smokes. His habit will also put him in contact with some pretty rough and undesirable characters, plus he can be charged if he has paraphernalia or any of it in his car, when stopped for any reason cops can search his car if they suspect he is high. They know what to look for in a person.
You already know he smokes every day. That is a pretty serious habit, so when you tell yourself he doesn't have to smoke you are lying to yourself. Weed isn't hard to kick the habit if a person decides to do so, but what it does do to an ever day smoker is lower his motivation to do something with his life, it causes his testosterone levels to decrease (which does change his personality) and that will lower his sex drive...what fun. If he smokes long term he will be susceptible to lung cancer and other cancers even worse than cigarettes due to no filter and you breathing in the second hand smoke puts you at a higher risk for cancer as well.
I could go on and on about his use of weed and how stupid it is, but you are stuck on changing and morphing yourself around his addiction. Good luck with that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRhythm: Trust me, you’re not the only one who feels that way about him. My mom hates that he’s a “stoner loser”. I would be a lot more suspicious and careful about him smoking, but he didn’t start smoking until his 21st birthday, and he ONLY smokes with his best friend, he never smokes alone or with anyone else. His personality doesn’t change for the worse, and he never seems like he HAS to smoke whenever he can’t. He is also very adamant about not doing any other drugs, as am I, but I do know that can change easily. That’s why I feel kind of silly getting upset over it because he could be a lot worse than he is. You’re not the first person to tell me all this though, and more than once my gut feeling agrees, but I see so much more potential behind him when he isn’t smoking.
Veronika: That makes a lot of sense, thanks. I think that would be a fair way to put it to him. I don’t think he realizes how it affects our relationship, even if I am ok with it.
Katyayni: We’ve only been dating for about 8 months, so I don’t think he’s necessarily lost the need to woo me, he’s just too stoned to do it. Whenever he’s sober, or coming off of a high, he’s really affectionate and romantic on his own, probably because his mind is clear. Not to say that he just shoves me away when he’s high, but there’s definitely a difference between how he acts. And he lives with his best friend, so it’s not like he’s trying to get space away from me, because usually when we hang out, it’s with all his friends anyway. I do know that I shouldn’t think much into it, because he could be a lot worse, but I’m just starting to like him so much better when he’s sober, and I don’t want our relationship to have to be like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Oh, girlfriend, what are you doing with this loser?Seriously, I grew up in the 70's OK, I smoked weed all through high school, some in college until one day I woke up and said, you know, I really don't like life when I am in living in a fog, I don't like having the munchies, I don't like feeling tired for no reason, don't like the feeling my head is full of cotton, and so what if everything seems funnier, I am a damn funny person without the pot. (that's what we called it)I made the same mistake as you did, I fell for a guy who I thought was an occasional weed smoker, then he started letting a kid that was only 25 come over to his house every day because he always had some and he was constantly high, and if he did go a day or two without it, for three days it affected his personality in a not so good way and I told him so.After I helped him get a better job and he started to upgrade his lifestyle, he told me he quit smoking all together and he felt the same way I did about weed, he just didn't like it anymore and I thought great. Well, what I didn't know for the longest time is he also had a lot of connections with drug pushers or dealers and he met some new friends at our new job that smoked weed, used cocaine, and pills, and behind my back he was the go between on these deals and I am sure they gave him money or even drugs for this. I never thought he was using drugs, but now with the hindsight of 20/20 I am sure he was.Why do you want to hang your hopes on a guy like this? First off smoking marijuana and possession of drugs is illegal, I guess in California medical marijuana is OK.I personally think it is a crock the medical use of marijuana...And I am very against the legalization of it because it really is a gateway drug, meaning that the vast majority of weed users use harder drugs which can be addicting or worse kill them.You don't do drugs, you are accepting and cooperative but this leaves you vulnerable to being used by people like him. I think you should set some boundaries for yourself, be honest here, you don't approve of what he is doing and you know it...you are settling just like I did because you like him.Your relationship is doomed. It will survive as long as you two aren't too serious about each other. If you do decide to get serious and make a life with him, your values and your boundaries are going to come on full force and you are not going to be able to set them with him, what he will do is lie to your face and do it behind your back and go out without you at night to the bars like my guy deed and do a little business and he will call you controlling and paranoid when you wonder what the hell?This is a predictable pattern. Take my advice and get out and find yourself a boyfriend who is sober, someone that is worthy of you and shares your values.You are wasting your very own love life on this clown and you have only yourself to blame.Sermon over.
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reader, veronika  +, writes (13 February 2010):
 He isn't being responsible about it. Okay, so he doesn't drive or work when he's high. Erm, big deal. That doesn't mean he's responsible, necessarily.
What about his obligation to your relationship? He's responsible for being your boyfriend, because I'm assuming he considers himself your boyfriend. A boyfriend, to me, isn't someone who ignores you when you're over because he's too stoned to noticed. A boyfriend isn't someone who doesn't call you because he's too busy rolling his fifth joint with his mate for the second day in a row. And so on.
You don't need to necessarily give him an ultimatum, but just let him know that his pot smoking schedule isn't working for you, and it's unfair on you. It's unfair on you because it doesn't seem like he puts much effort into the relationship, but you seem to.
I'm not anti-pot by the way. But people who put their silly habit before a person who's supposed to mean a lot to them? Yeah, I'm against that selfish behaviour. If I were you I'd speak up and be straightforward about it.
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reader, adamantine +, writes (13 February 2010):
 I'm kind of in the same situation. My boyfriend smokes weed daily and has for about 5 years (before I came along). I have noticed that weed messes with short-term memory, which can be a problem. Its up to him, but honestly, he'll stop when he wants to. You can't make anyone do anything they don't want to because they will end up resenting you, especially when its something they enjoy. Maybe ask him to cut down his usage, or not to smoke before you come over because you want to spend time with him, not his high twin brother.
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