A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help with a problem that I have that I seem to keep repeating in my relationships. When I get preoccupied with problems in relationships or outside of my relationships, I tend to get extremely withdrawn. I don't why I do this but it seems to have an devastating impact on my relationships. Sometimes, it may be that I don't feel that I can reach out to my partner so I hope they will ask me what's wrong, or I just try to get on with my life in the hope that things will sort themselves out. Or maybe it is that I just do not know how to express myself if it is something negative that I need to talk about.This has happened with my last two boyfriends. The first time I did this was when my boyfriend (we'll call him A) at the time invited me out to dinner. We had been having a strained time in our relationship and that particular day I had been dealing with some difficulties in my private life (mainly that a relative was very sick at the time). I had hoped that it would be a time when my boyfriend and I could have some time alone together but I was shocked to discover that he had invited other people along which he hadn't told me about. I tend to go quiet when I am preoccupied with problems and I was also annoyed that he hadn't told me that these other people were coming. After the meal my boyfriend got very cross with me for being so quiet in front of these other people but not once did he ask what was wrong. I felt humiliated. He then dumped me with great glee (I think as a result of me being quiet at the meal) whilst saying some really cruel things.This has now just happened with the boyfriend I have just split up with (we'll call him B). A few months ago, my boyfriend invited me to a family weekend which I didn't want to go to as it was the weekend before a meeting at work regarding serious problems I was having there. Although he did ask me what was wrong I don't think he fully appreciated the seriousness of the problems I was having. Anyway, he eventually persuaded me to go to his family weekend and I thought it might do me some good to go. However, when I got there I felt quite shy and was so preoccupied with these problems at work that I didn't really socialise. My boyfriend had very little to do with me during the weekend, and I don't think it is any coincidence that I haven't seen my boyfriend since.I am quite a shy person and I had a very difficult childhood in which my Dad used to go silent on the whole family for years at a time. I used to wrack my brains for months on end trying to work out what I did wrong for my Dad not to talk to me. He would refuse to talk to us, then start worming his way back into our affections only for him to do it again. I think I may have learned some of this behaviour off my Dad. Certainly, not to his extreme but I think there are certainly elements of it there. I can't afford counselling but I wonder if there is anything I can do to address this problem in the future because it is wrecking my life.
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female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (10 January 2010):
 When I read your problem I could see a bit of me in it. I am not certain if I am the right person to give advice as it still affects me know.
The difference between me and you is that your boyfriend asks how you are and is very attentive. Mine does not and when I do not contact him we do not speak for days na deven weeks sometimes as I need to deal with certain issues alone.
It is clear that there is a communication problem here. Your boyfriend does not know how you are feeling. If you both love each other, you need to trust each other and talk. Thats tha whole idea of relationships.
This is one of the reasons I am coming out of my current relationship because I have had devastating problems at work and he is unaware of them. I have not spoken to my family for nearly 6 years and he does not know that. What kind of relationship am I in.
You have a different type of relationship. Explain how you feel and work through things together. You are clearly not alone.
Good luck and feed back to us.
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