A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 32 the same age as my girlfriend. we have recently moved in together, i have started university i am finding it hard and quite stressful. as a result of this my sex drive has diminished somewhat. my girlfriend finds this very difficult and gets very upset about it this leads to her being in a mood and sometimes angry. which makes me less likely to want to have sex with her, but more likely to masturbate. which upsets my girlfriend more. please can you help
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Ok, you've started a negative cycle that will continue until you put a stop to it. The good news is that you're catching it pretty early and it will be easier to fix the sooner you try.
Step 1. Talk about it. Calmly. Tell her about the stress you are under. Tell her you still love her very much. Tell her you find her attractive. Tell her that you just don't always have the energy, but when she gets angry about it, that just makes you get defensive and makes her less attractive to you. You need to express these feelings in a calm way. You also need to listen to hers. Do your best to set some ground rules first. No attacking the other person. No name calling. No yelling. Your goal is to fix the problem, not make it worse. You also need to be willing to listen calmly to her feelings too.
Step 2. Compromise. You need to find a way for you two to reach some sort of happy medium. Basically it will probably be having sex a little less than she wants, and a bit more than you want. See if there isn't something else you could do to make her feel your affection or satisfy her needs if you aren't in the mood.
I know, easier said than done, but really you have two choices. Let the cycle continue, or end it now.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Dude, this is not a good situation.
You have to do what you can to do to make this better and understand that your girlfriend is feeling deeply rejected and sees your excuse as just that.
If you are stressed out over school find ways to reduce that stress. Physical excercise and getting enough sleep is vital so schedule a daily work out even if it is a walk, get your girlfriend to excercise with you and she'll be less stressed.
Don't make excuses for lack of sex drive, she won't hear it, just kiss and hug her a lot and make sure that doesn't always lead to sex, that will go a long way to calming her fears, if you recoil when she touches you fearing sex, that sends a very unwanted message.
Keep smiling and you'll get through it....and sometimes even when you think you don't want sex, if you just start, you're desire will come back and sex will be a great stress reliever and bring you closer to her....just give in on occasion to the feelings...don't fight it so much.
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