A
male
age
30-35,
*.::AL::..
writes:I currently am living with my parents, and things are getting progressively worse. This is the longest period I have had living with them, as I am on a gap year after finishing boarding school which I had been at since 11. We always argue. My dad works all the time, and when he gets home he expects me to do the same. He seems to resent and hate me when I don't perform to his high standards. I am currently re applying for university after I did better than people planned in my exams. This has made things a lot worse. He insists that I put all my work through him, and he seems to hate everything I do. He'll say things like 'a child could have written that' and 'that's nowhere near the standard you should be doing'. Every time, without fail. I don't hate my dad or anything, pretty much the opposite. He has worked much, much harder than anyone else I have ever known, so much so that it has meant I have had limited time with him throughout my childhood. I really seek his approval which is why it kills me inside every time I disappoint him, which seems to be all the time now. Him and my mum are constantly saying that they are 'washing their hands' of the situation, but it seems to me that every time they say it they are washing their hands of me really. I am angry a lot of the time, so much so that I don't want to come home a lot of the time because I know that I'm going to get another evening of abuse from my parents. All the times these thoughts are going through my head I end up hating myself an incredible amount, because I realize how much they have given me financially and because I know that it is stressing my dad out a lot. I feel stupid because I'm making myself the victim when I shouldn't. At the moment I'm swinging between hating my parents and hating myself, with the latter one being constant. I think about moving out to my grandparents to relieve the pressure on my parents but then I realize that that would make my dad more stressed. I don't know what to do because I don't want to stretch my dad any further because he's been really stressed by the economic environment recently. I have tried to be pay my own way by working for him on short notice at a skip when one of his workers had to be fired, yet he never says thank you or well done because he expects me to be like he is. But I'm not, unfortunately. I don't think I can talk to him about it because he feels uncomfortable with emotions as his dad was never an emotionally open person. When I have suggested how I feel before, he just laughs me down and it makes me wonder if it's just me being a drama queen. After all it can't be as bad as what other people are going through. But then I feel depressed, lost and hopeless. I can't go on like this, as it is pushing me into depression and I know that they aren't happy either. Can anyone let me know what I can do to make this situation better? Sorry if doesn't read very well. Thanks a lot.
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (24 November 2008):
 Harboring anger and resentment can bread harbor and resentment! If you are trying your best I can understand how you must feel. If you have done all you can and they don't act like you are doing what they expect perhaps they are being too hard on you. Sometimes as parents wanting the very best for their children they push so hard and sometimes it's because of their own failures. Sometimes it's because they are trying so had to make your life better they forget to rememeber that YOU are the CHILD and you were their responsibility at least until you are 18.
If they are tired then their emotions are high and they are tired so they don't handle things well on that. I would suggest talking to them. Let them know how much you love and appreciate them. Let them know that you don't want to dissapoint them but you are you and although you may never meet their expectations you are willing to do your best.
You need to also seek help to deal with the stress and yes depression can be what is going on with you. When it becomes bad enough it will prevent you mentally and physically from being the person you should be.
If the realationship you have with your parents is a good one you might consider moving in with them in hopes of bringing the stress level down. You can still help your Dad when he needs you. You can do chores for your Grandparents and help them a little with finances by holding a parttime job. It will give you something to keep your mind off of the stress with your Parents. Talk to your Grandparents, it's possible they can help to settle things down between you and your parents.
Go parttime to the University, this will give you time to focus on what you want to do and more time to help your Dad and Grandparents and Yourself. Try not to let what they say and feel get to you as much...think of it this way...They have once been where you are......and you will one be in their shoes! Don't take the bad feelings and keep them to yourself. Find a good friend to whom you can talk to or a cleryman, guidence counselor or some other trusted person.
Talking out your feelings is a great form of Therapy. You should be old enough to seek professional counseling if you should choose. It could be that if the depression is bad enough you might need medication. Talk long walks and reflect on the good things your parents do and remember that you are doing your best. Keep your self_esteem in tact and don't do less than you konw you are capable of.
You want your parents to be proud of you and you don't want to let them down but remember this BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE AND DON'T LET YOURSELF DOWN. Never fail to show your parents the LOVE,RESPECT and ADMIRATION THEY DESERVE. Strive to make the realtionship better, once you have done these things,putting your best efforts forward, it's up to them to Stop diminishing your self-worth as their son. Remember not to be too hard on them they are just doing the best they can too. Being a young adult isn't easy but being the Parent is just a hard. Until you leave the NEST with Wings of your own they still feel responsible for you.
*Honor they Mother and Thy Father
Give them Praise for the Efforts WEll DONE!
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
A
male
reader, cockainis +, writes (24 November 2008):
 There are so many ways to look at your problem from so many sides. But to make things simple, let's try to solve things from your side:
The first thing to consider is that you are not supposed to change other people, so let's not change your dad.
It's your first time to really spend time with them and leeway should be given to all first timers -- that includes your dad having you for a long time at home for the first time.
In business, you are assuming two roles: that of being a son and that of being an employee. It's a fine line, and before you react to anything, stop and think if you should react as a son or as an employee. Helping out your father in his struggling business does not mean that you have to change the way things are in the business. But if ever you want to suggest something, consider timing. In formal employment, you don't just barge in and suggest things to your boss.
At this point in time, your dad needs an assistant who will do anything that he wants. Business is bad enough. Give him credit for having set up the business because it is hard enough to merely start a business. And as a businessman, he cannot run to anybody. He has to solve things by himself. The last thing that he needs is some "interfering" in his solving his crisis. My guess is that if you do well at work (from his perspective), then you will be able to open windows for your family relationship.
Good luck to you. I hope that this helps you in dealing with your dad. There is fulfillment in being a good follower. In time, you will be a good leader.
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