A
female
age
30-35,
*ilcheer
writes:I have a couple questions... My husband has been addicted to porn for many years, even before we met, and he has lied to me about it. I have caught him several times both in the act and in a lie. He has lied to me so many times about it and I have calmly explained to him how much it hurts me and how it makes me feel. He has even tried to justify it by saying "oh, you were on your period" or "you were out of the house" and things like that. He told me recently that it has been 1 month since he's looked at it and he shows me most of his internet history, but I am not sure I believe him.I just feel like he is lying to me.How can I trust him? How do I know that he isn't still lying to me about this? What do I do?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (13 March 2012):
OP, you have a simple solution.... Sex at least twice a day. I will be amazed if your hb still needs porn (but he might). Otherwise Miamine says it all. Stop finding faults and just enjoy your relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): Have you suggested counceling? He obviously has a problem with porn, and you have a right to be concerned. Maybe if you point out what it's doing to your relationship, your sex life, etc. and that you want to help him with this, he might be more receptive? These people that keep saying, what's the big deal, all men watch porn....bunch of crap. Many people live their daily lives working for a living, raising their children, spending time with their partners, socialize with friends, are involved with activities that interest them....keep an active lifetyle....they are not sitting around jerking off to porn on a regular basis.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): If he knows that his habit hurts you and continues doing that, you need to find someone who respects you and not this uncaring, selfish bloke who just wants to wank off in front of a computer.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 March 2012):
 "He has admitted to watching porn as much as everyday or as little as 3 times a week" - That is normal usage and can not be classed as an addiction. Many men and women masturbate at least once a day or more. Some people claim to have sex 5 times a day, and they are not called addicts. Your guy is a regular user but it's not an obsession with him.
"I can't and won't compete with those women." - your not competing with anyone. Them women are video's and pictures, he can't touch them and he will never meet them. He's not choosing them over you.
"My problem is I will throw myself at him and he says "I don't want to have sex" - This is your main problem, your guy is rejecting you for sex. The problem is, throwing away the porn won't make any difference. He can still masturbate without it. If he's only masturbating 4 times a week, it shouldn't interfere with his sex life or his desire to have sex with you. Most men need more sex than this.
If you are throwing yourself at him, but at the same time telling him what he can and cannot look at, checking up on him when he uses the computer, and generally turning your home into a prison with you as the warden, he may feel resentful and start pulling away. Nobody likes to be controlled and told what to do, especially grown adult males.
Your blaming porn for all your problems.. but are you sure that your relationship isn't rocky for many reasons. You can't FORCE a man to give up porn. Porn is legal in your country. Unless you watch him 24hours a day, he can get access to porn anywhere, his car, at a friends house, he can use the internet anonymously if he knows how. If you met him and he was a porn user, then you should have told him you hate porn and refused to marry. I doubt you will find a therapist to help you with what seems to be normal sexual behaviour.
I would suggest for now you actually forget about the porn issue. Instead of competing by trying to act like one of the porn girls, why don't you try to bring romance into your life and start acting like a wife. Don't nag about the porn, ignore it. Instead start giving him kisses, back rubs, take him out, do all the nice stuff you used to do while dating. Make your home a nice place for him to relax. Kiss him whilst doing the dishes, give his ass a little pat. Try to flirt and seduce him when you go out shopping. Don't wait until bedtime when everyone is tired, but surprise him in the bathroom when he's having a shower.
This won't make a man give up porn, but it will help get him back into the bedroom, sitting room and the kitchen floor, and his mind will be on you all the time as he thinks about all the sexy things that you two could do together. If your home situation improves, then he might decide to give up porn without any nagging from you. Many people get bored of pornography eventually, some stop, some just cut down, some begin to hate it.
If porn is really a big issue for you, then you will eventually have to leave the relationship because you can't force this man to give up something he likes doing. He will make promises he cannot keep and he will lie just to get a bit of peace. You say you don't like the lies, but women don't seem to be able to handle the truth. What many men would say if they stopped telling lies is... "Leave me alone, I like porn, and your not my mother to tell me what to do. I like to masturbate and I own my dick. I wanted to get married to be happy not to have a ton of headache".... but guys can't tell women this, so it's easier to lie. What men say to women, is very different to how they talk to other men and how they actually think.
Porn upsets you, so he must stop, but what about him, what about what he wants, how he thinks and what this means to him. Have you had a proper discussion to actually find out what is in his head or is this all about what is right for you and only you and if he disagrees he's an addict with a mental problem? Could you try and understand him, talk to him and find out why he's avoiding the bedroom. Talking about sex is a good way to discover your partner's hangups, true desires and opens the door to greater intimacy. This is about more than porn I think.
Fight less, love more is always the best way. You cannot change people, you can only change yourself.
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A
female
reader, lilcheer +, writes (11 March 2012):
lilcheer is verified as being by the original poster of the question He has admitted to watching porn as much as everyday or as little as 3 times a week for about 10 years, keep in mind he is 23. He has told me he can't stop and it always ends up being a fight in the end me in tears telling him that I can't and won't compete with those women. My problem is I will throw myself at him and he says "I don't want to have sex" and a week later he tells me that he was looking at porn before and/or after he rejected me. I am not saying he is looking to have an affair, but he is going to porn sites with his urges and desires instead of me. I want to trust him, I want to believe him, but he has lied to me since we have been together and not until I caught him did he finally admit it. Its really easy to delete only select websites from internet history, I hate being lied to and I hate feeling like I have to compete with women who are size 0 with DD and just "perfect". As far as masturbation goes, obviously that's what hes watching it for.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (10 March 2012):
 I am not sure why so many women are against men watching porn, and why they do not understand that for a man, porn and masturbation are usually tightly intertwined.
Most women masturbate. My woman does, regularly.
What she thinks about while she's toying herself is her business, I hope its me, but I will never be able to tell. She doesn't watch a Brad Pitt movie on our bedroom TV, or a Robert Pattinson DVD, or a Lexington Steele porn flick. Her eyes are closed, her hands are busy, and she is in a world of her own, where her touch and senses are everything. I believe that I do not exist when she is masturbating, or at best I am out of mind.
Am I jealous? No, I am philosophical, as I want her to experience as much pleasure as she can. It pleases me to see her in ecstasy, even if (as I believe), I have little or nothing to do with her joy.
This is not me being in the minority, although I will admit that I know many men who would like to destroy the vibrator industry.
Ladies, ask yourselves why you masturbate, and therein lies the crux of the pornography question.
Often, us men don't quite do it right, do we? You need your time alone to reach for your vibrator because it can instantly hit the spot.
Same with porn for us men.
Us men like all types of porn, but we are different to you ladies. To masturbate, we need to watch the glamour model on the screen, or Angelina, or Tyra, and imagine these women are dying to be with us, doing all the things we fantasise about. We generally need to see these images, because men are visual, while women are sensual.
We genrally cannot use touch and feel, and smell, and our senses to become aroused. We need to watch.
I am not an avid porn watcher, but I am trying to stand up for the guys here, and explain why porn is part of some of our lives.
Your husband will continue to lie about watching porn, as will all husbands and boyfriends, because it is easier than trying to make women understand.
Yet many women continue to deny that they themselves masturbate too.
Funny old world.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 March 2012):
A month porn free and he's showing you the evidence. You can probably trust him that he's been porn free for a month...Unfortunately a month is not very long. He's lied about porn before, then he will probably lie about it again... lets see if he's still porn free in a year, 10years, or 50years.What can you do... nothing.. you told him you don't like porn, he promised to stop and didn't, he lied and promised again, you made threats, you cried, so he promised to give up again, then he looks, then you cry, then he stops............. this will go on until you realise you cannot change somebody, and finally walk away. Maybe taking this man to therapy might help. However I don't know who said he's addicted, and you might not find a therapist who can treat him if he's just a normal man with normal levels of porn usage.There used to be a lot of pornography addiction sites around, often heavily influenced by religion or militant feminism. I can't find them, they seem to have shut down. But here, try this one, you got to treat it like an alcohol addiction and follow the AA plan.. http://www.no-porn.com/This is impossible if you are the one telling him he has an addiction but he doesn't agree but just nods his head so you won't leave him. A person has to want to change, and that means they themselves have to have a problem, not just because they want to please someone else.http://www.sexualrecovery.com/pornography-addiction.phpAddiction is a very strong word to use. Just saying because he won't stop he must be addicted isn't good enough. That makes the majority of the population pornography addicts and also addicts to tea, coffee, newspapers, books, movies and anything else that you decide that you don't like.Read the links, but be aware, if you can't force people to think like you, and he may not share your views and therefore deep down this is why he is unwilling to stop. If he is a true sex addict, you better keep a close eye on his bank account, he will spend all his money, and also check to see if he has dropped his friends and no longer contacts his family. With a true addict it's best to get help from family and friends as well because they will have noticed the destructive change in his behaviour.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 March 2012):
 I don't think you really can trust him. Sorry. At this point you probably need to go see a couples counselor together. I also always recommend reading through the book the porn trap together (I do not have any ties whatsoever to this book other than I think it does a good job explaining things). It helps him understand why it hurts you/your relationship and it helps you understand why it's so hard to give it up.
The anon poster below is just trying to normalize/justify his own use. The idea that porn prevents cheating is simply wrong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012):
Most men look at porn. We don't feel pride in admitting that, but it is true. What is your problem with that, exactly?
I am sure you don't have sex with him as often as he would like and he is also interested in watching other people have sex. Porn is his fantasy escape.
Would you prefer that he had sex more often with you or be out looking for other partners?
I realize most women hate porn, but they also need to realize that porn helps us stay faithful to you. I wish it was not so, but it is.
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