| A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes: How do I know,that my husband is tellig the truth,and I'm not going to be just a ''victim''?Well,a few years ago,he stopped being sexual with me, what left me totally puzzeled ,specially , because it came so suddenly.Now, he always looks like he has no feelings or attraction toward me, but when I ask him about this ,he says nothing like that...If i ask if he loves me or not,,he says he does.So he behaves differently from what he says.Sometimes i feel, I should not believe him, because it will hurt me very much, if after years of living like this one day ,he will tell the ''truth''. I don't know ,maybe there is no reason for tis, but I'm very much not able to trust him, and I'm thinking about solutions all the time, but he would not say more, not to me not to a counsellor.He just seems very unhappy with me, but not brave enough to call it off.What should I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, devastated2008  +, writes (15 August 2009):
 Trust your instincts... something is wrong. One way or the other you need it addressed. Either you fix it or you separate... I don't mean you suggest divorce... I said separate. Be firm, loving and assertive... you continue counseling regardless of him and take care of yourself. Waiting/ignoring/pretending will all likely bring about the results you most fear. TAKE CHARGE of your life and set a healthy example for him.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 August 2009):
 You're married. At one point have been intimate. So, why do you fear what may be the truth. You want to call it off, without finding out first? I'd ask him, "we stopped having sex, I don't feel loved, what's going on?" If you left, wouldn't you rather leave knowing it's not going to work, or leave not knowing what he's really feeling?
How long did you go to counseling for? Was it marital counseling or did you both see one separate as well. Sometimes issues, although married, one person just doesn't want to share. For example, a spouse who becomes addicted to internet porn. He may feel guilty about it, and want to solve the issues, but he's not going to want to reveal the addiction in front of their spouse.
I believe most marriage can be saved. Over time, we allow life to control us instead of taking control of our life, and we can loose our sense of self, our marriage, and our dreams in the process. You listed you're 41-50. How does your husband feel about aging? I counseled someone and his main issue was feeling over the hill, so his actions were imitating those negative feelings. Or is your marriage in the repetitive process of just being? Get married, sit back and go on auto pilot.
This may have come all of a sudden to you, but I believe these negative changes have warning signs leading up to them. This is unless there may have been a traumatic incident your family or he personally experienced. Death in the family? Loss of job or change in career? A sudden medical issue or medical scare. This could be within your family or outside. I'm on the upper side of my 30's. A few years back I found a friend of mine who'd recently been released from the hospital after a heart attack. I know it's not the norm for that to happen at my age, but I still thought about "what if." Even to the point of checking to make sure my life insurance was there, and developed a will. 2 years ago, I was in the hospital for anxiety, which the symptoms imitated a heart attack. I wasn't worried about dying, I was worried about my 4 children if I did pass.
So, unexpected circumstances can change the way we view ourselves and our perceived reality. Think about the changes that may have happened. Talk to your husband and ask him what he thinks. Let him know your marriage is not moving forward, it's dormant and you don't appreciate it. Work as a team to figure this out. If it's not going to work, you'll find that out, but I have faith that many marriages could have been saved if the couple would have asked themselves "what really happened," then work together to get back on track.
I hope this helps. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): It is important to be phyiscal in the marrage for you? Do you not trust his feelings for you or has he done something to hurt that trust? If you do not want to be complacent, take action. If you are unhappy and he doesn't "get it" then its time to go.
...............................
|
