A
female
age
36-40,
*gnus
writes:My BF and have been together for 7 months. I think he may be cheating. He still talks to his ex and doesn't see a problem with it. Some of the messages and calls between them have been very suggestive, I can feel that his ex is still loves him because she hates when my boy friend talks about me. I've confront him and he said there're just best friends. But before that I was sneaking through his phone but on the other hand he knows I don't like him talking to her and he has promised to stop. He did for a while but started up again. I just don't see why he needs to talk to her. I don't want to break up with him but I don't want to feel like I'm making him choose. I really love him. I've messaged and contacted his ex. She said that there's nothing between both of them. I hope that's true but the problem is my boyfriend can't explain why he still continuing contact her. I'm so worried.. There's few times quarrelling between both of us because of his ex. I don't believe him but I let it go. He is very controlling and scares me. My boyfriend doesnt like if I ask him or talk much about his ex. How can I trust a person without honesty? I really tired about this but I really loves my boyfriend. He told me that he really loves me and his ex is only his best friend. It's true that his ex still loves him because my boyfriend told me that last few days his ex sent him a message, saying that: If you still love her, please don't contact me any more. He said that he will not contact her any more and I'm happy with it but there's still worries that he'll break his promise once again. What should I do?"
View related questions:
best friend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Hi. In answer to your question, How can i trust a person without honesty. You cant. Tell him to stop contact with his ex or you will leave and find someone who wants to be exclusively yours.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): What you feel (distrust) is your reality. You have to deal with the situation like your heart and brain "call it."
The relationship between your b/f and his x doesn't appear to be over; it is still lingering.
Take a step back. Give him time and space to resolve that relationship. You should count on nothing and move on.
Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised but maybe not.
One mistake you made is calling his x. Bad move!
...............................
A
female
reader, Agnus +, writes (28 September 2009):
Agnus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the comments! I know what should I do next! Thanks..
...............................
A
female
reader, PaigeAlexxandra  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 The answer is a simple two words; YOU CAN'T. It's like saying, "How can I eat dinner when there's no food in sight?".....you can't; not until you can get something edible; which is a whole lot easier than going to the store and trying to buy a bag of trust. She ain't gonna happen, luv!
You're incorrect about your being trusting if "he's honest with me" about this other girl or whatever......YOU WILL BE A BASKET CASE and will probably have trust issues for your entire life! What do you want? To be confused, to have that pit and to BE SECRET SQUIRREL? All you're doing is hurting YOU; which is such a shame since YOU ARE ALL YOU REALLY HAVE IN LIFE; it's a matter of molding yourself into the kind of person you want to be and THEN the good things in life will appear; you'll have rid yourself of any self- or bf-destructive behavior. I'm sure at least subconsciously you feel pathetic when you spy; that does NOTHING for your self-esteem, so remember that.
Stop wasting precious time when there are so many NICE MEN out there. You've just got to REALLY CARE about yourself enough to find one; your mate is a definite reflection of how you feel about yourself.......my 2 cents would be to build that confidence and self-love and zip right on past the guy who's LIVING in the past....WITHOUT YOU.
Hmmmmm. Not cool.
You can do it, luv,
xx
Alexx
...............................
A
female
reader, PaigeAlexxandra +, writes (28 September 2009):
Dear Dump-Him,
Sweetie; you 'overlook' things that make you a saint, and simultaneously 'stupid' (sorry). It's cool to be okay with the ex's and I've got the same thing going; but my ex and his gf; our 2 kids and my bf and me are ALL CLOSE AND ALL HAPPY. There's a ton of love.
That's the opposite of what's going on with you. Is she gonna start to hang with you two? What does he still have to say to her and still needs to talk to her? Just friends. Don't you dare believe that. When you breakup with someone and start a relationship with someone else, you give everything you've got to that new relationship, and what's past is passed; it has no place in your new life with him.
UNLESS, of course, he's into her and lying to you while he cheats with her. EXCELLENT POSSIBILITY; and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can begin the process of respecting yourself and GETTING RID OF THAT GUY; how doe he contribute to your happiness? He doesn't? Then what are you doing; competing with someone/something you have ZERO control over?? It's foolish to even consider that one.
You have something inside called intuition, sweets, and I would ask that you dig deep and unearth it AND LISTEN TO IT. Do NOT turn a deaf ear to the truth; the longer you do that, the longer you'll have to process the 'end' of a relationship that's shaky at best.
Dump him; and yes, it IS easy for me to say since I've been there and it was the hardest thing for me to do. I loved (or thought so) someone dearly, but found that I was better than to be second in line for his affection/attention. As for cheating; one strike and screw you; I'M A GOOD PERSON AND I LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO not LET THAT KIND OF CRAP tear me down and destroy my self-esteem.
Self-esteem, self-love is VERY HARD to get back once you've given it away in a gift-wrapped box. It's a mistake; take the present back and unwrap it for YOUR LIFE; since in the end, that's all that matters; YOU AND YOUR HAPPINESS.
C'mon, open your eyes, hon, and FACE THE PAIN AND DUMP THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU, BUT INSTEAD IS THE PERPETRATOR OF YOUR BROKEN HEART. He's an ass! You're better than that.
Alexx
xx
Good Luck; You CAN get yourself back AND MORE! DO IT! ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, Agnus +, writes (28 September 2009):
Agnus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was happy that my boy friend did not join his ex for badminton. I felt relieve and want to delete the friend finder when I'm back to Penang. I'll trust my boy friend from now onwards but everything was too late. My boy friend found out that I've set friend finder. He stopped calling and texting me. I'm so scared! When I reach home, I immediately took a shower and rush to my boy friend's house. He said that he couldn't accept that I'm not trusting him & he wanted temporary break up. I've begged him not to leave me, he swung my hand away. I really regret what I've done to him & ask for forgiveness. He said he needs seven days to reconsider our relationship and he asked me to have a rest. I'm very sad & the next day I went back to my house. He called me & asked where I am and did I eat? Then after that he no longer called or texting me on that day. The second day, I really miss my boy friend and wondered what is he doing now? I miss his voice so I borrow my friend's hand phone to call him. Although I've just heard he said "Hello" but I'm satisfied with it. I cry all day long. Finally he called up at night asking about my condition. When he called up, my tears drop & tells him that I really miss him. He kept quiet and he said he just finished dinner with his sister and want to get shower. I do regret what I've done and really hope for forgiveness. Today is the third day, I can’t wait for the last day but I'm afraid that he will dump me on that day. I’m got no mood and cry every day, I really broken down and confuse now. I really regret & I promise I won’t do that again. What should I do to win back my boy friend's heart?
...............................
A
female
reader, Agnus +, writes (25 September 2009):
Agnus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm really confuse now! I know that I should trust him as a girlfriend but why he cant be honest with me? I mean when I ask about they are talking about and he seems angry and just keep quite. He even did not tell me the truth that he plans to go for badminton with his ex on this coming Fri but I found out. He even record her voice in his phone. What does it means? If he's honest with me than I wont be jealous so much.. Sorry, I'm not confident to myself because I've been cheated by a guy before.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): I'm really confuse now! I know that I should trust him as a girlfriend but why he cant be honest with me? I mean when I ask about they are talking about and he seems angry and just keep quite. He even did not tell me the truth that he plans to go for badminton with his ex on this coming Fri but I found out. He even record her voice in his phone. What does it means? If he's honest with me than I wont be jealous so much.. Sorry, I'm not confident to myself because I've been cheated by a guy before.
...............................
A
female
reader, sexi suga  +, writes (23 September 2009):
hmm sweeties, ok ok i dont condole the spying but i know if i was in the same situation i would do the same thing. i wouldnt trust this friendship as i dont belive you can stay bestfriends with an ex until t5he feeling that you had for one another have offically gone. though you bf may have gone as he is wiht you, im not sure if his ex feeling have faded.
i know that when i was in a similar situation i found out that my boyfriend actually slept with his ex while he was in a relationship with me. it started off exactly how u said urs started off. they were talking every other day, meeting up every month and ofcourse i didnt like it and told him to stop. eventually he did but then i found out he'd already cheated.
its a tricky situation but i thing that you have to claim him before she can even think shes still got a chance. the thing is, they have a really strong connection, one that you cant compete with and that history. so becareful. though you guys have love, friendship compatipilaity there one thing that still keeps them bonded more then you and that history.
its up to you. have a word with him and just say u feel uncomfortable with it and see what he says. GOOD LUCK BABE :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Hey first off, where do you get off spying on your BF like that?
Secondly, you dont trust him, you dont trust her and so why are you in this relationship.
My advice is to stop spying, if you cant trust him then its over and never again spy, I have to be honest if any GF of mine did that Id dump them straight away.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 September 2009):
Oh dear. You're doing a lot of spying and it's not doing you any good. I'm afraid his ex is part of his life and you can't just cut her our of it. If you think he's cheating, or if you really can't handle that he's still friends with his ex, then there's no trust and no real relationship. So you need to think carefully about whether or not you want to continue in a relationship where you're always worried and suspicious. All the best. x
...............................
|
