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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How can I approach my fiancee's parents (with discretion) by letting them know that he hits me at times when I disagree and or just have my opinion towards some topic. I'm afraid of talking to them because they would think Im just lying since he has said something about me that wasnt true, also, they just see him as "my son would never do that". I am unable to rely on my own family because they live in a diff country from me. I would like to let them know about his actions towards me just because it isnt right, also, with good intention of maybe them helpin him get some help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): Judging by what you wrote you do not want to necessarily leave the relationship. Talking to his parents would be a futile effort. You are correct in that they are not on your side -- he is their blood and always will and you are, perhaps, transitory. It is best not to rely on either of your parents for support. As an adult you are making your own decisions and you need to take responsibility for those. If your fiancee will not respect your request for therapy then there is nothing else to do but move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007): my advice to is tell some one and quick like the police or your close friend or move out i suggest you pluck up the courage or the next thing you no you will be married to him and do you want a husband tht hits you i dnt think so it might be hard but i got faith in you
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): Why do you want to tell them? Just leave him!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): I see no reason to tell them anything. Just leave this relationship and try to move on. Break off the engagement right away and go someplace where he can't get to you. Leave a note telling him why you left. But do not tell him where you are going! Do you have any friends you can stay with or a nearby shelter for battery victims? If and only if you come into contact with his parents (it would be best to avoid them as they may lead him to you) then tell them what their son has been doing to you. Try to contact your family and maybe get back to them.
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female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (30 July 2007):
Hi,
He hits you and he has lied about you to his parents. I think you should give serious thought to whether you should be engaged to this man. Many men never stop hitting once they start. Women begin by putting up with “small” acts of violence, and end up in hospital or dead. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is really important that you think about your own future and safety. I realise that as you are in a different country from your family, you feel vulnerable, but being legally tied to him will make this much worse. If he feels that he can hit you now, how much worse will it be when you are his wife?
Telling his parents would be a very big risk. I am afraid that most parents would be very unwilling to believe the word of their child’s girlfriend or boyfriend over that of their own child. If he learnt to use violence from his own father’s example, they may not even think you have a complaint if they do believe you.
If I were you, I would speak to a trusted friend about what is happening. As you don’t give the country that you are in, then I have no idea what help you can get from the authorities. If you are in the UK or similar, there will be women’s refuges that can advise and support you.
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (30 July 2007):
 I totally agree with everything Dr pete has said to you, he has given you some sound advice here.
Take care.xx.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): I don't think telling his parents is going to stop him hitting you. If anything, it will make things worse. I think that because often when someone like this uses violence it's because they feel like they don't have control. By telling his parents he will loose more control of his emotional well being, plus his behavioural problems are almost certainly routed in his younger life so you have no idea what kind of reaction it will cause.
This is something that he needs to sort out himself, he needs to acknowledge he has anger management problems and he needs to seek professional help to understand why he feels the need to take out his emotions on you. This isn't something that a quick chat from mom or dad will sort out, there are more deep issues that have stopped him being able to reason with himself and control his feelings. If you want his parents to know, then it is something he will have to share, it shouldn't come from you.
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female
reader, Artemesian  +, writes (30 July 2007):
 He has no right to be abusing you like this, no matter what you are saying or doing at the time. Talking to his parents might help but it really sounds like you need to seek out help from professionals who are knowledgeable and experienced in the area of domestic violence. That is if you think you should still be pursuing a relationship with a man who hits you? I know I wouldn't. If you hope to shame him by informing his parents it doesn't seem likely it would achieve much as if he has hurt you more than once he obviously has no qualms about it. I hope you make a choice thats good for you soon! Best of luck : )
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male
reader, quarky +, writes (30 July 2007):
 the first thing i will say to you is that there is NEVER any excuse for him to be violent towards you. it's completely out of order. i'm so glad you're seeking help on this- too many women put up with it for years. can you speak to him about it- there may be past issues that are at work here. if he truly loves you, he should be open to getting help. you could also try confidential help lines for information and support. whatever you do, please don't end up marrying someone who' s abusive- you' re worth more than that.
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female
reader, skye +, writes (30 July 2007):
 Please do not put up with this any longer. This man does not love nor care for you like a boyfriend should otherwise he would never dream of hurting you, or telling lies about you. You are entitled to your opinion regardless of his viewpoint. Leave as soon as you can. Today if possible. Im so sorry that you feel alone in another country, I hope you have a trusted friend that you could go to for help. If not, look for a domestic violence group in your area. They are people who have experienced the same as you and understand how you feel. They will help you get your life back. They do not jude. You do not state your country, but your doctor will be able to advise on groups in your area. He/she will also be able to advise on help available for your boyfriend.I know you are probably thinking that I have gone too far by telling you this, but you do not deserve to be struck for just having a differing opinion. Imagine your future if you stayed with this man? Imagine if you had children with him? Little ones can be quite willfull; would he beat them into submission? Can you take that risk?Personally, I would not approach his parents for help as often abusive men have learnt their behaviour from seeing it at home. Your confidence could be further deminished. If you feel that you must let them know, wait until you distance yourself from him. When you feel strong enough write them a letter telling them what he did to you and that the lies he told about you where not true.In the mean time ring your family at home. Tell them what has been happening. It is not shameful, there are millions of other women who have endured the same. Your family will help you, and perhaps give you the strength you need.Please, please leave this man as soon as possible. You are a loving, caring young woman with so much to give. You are worth so much more than this. There is a man out there who will treat you with respect and who would be horrified at the thought of hitting a woman. Please leave this abusive man.Best Wishes, Skye XX
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