A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I found out today that I have an STI. It's common and treatable and hopefully not a huge deal, but I'm still pretty mortified. I had negative test results before I got together with my ex, and I also had a negative test about 6 weeks after we started having sex (just to be doubly sure I wasn't passing anything on to him), so the fact that I have a positive result now indicates that it must have come from him.I need to tell my ex now (in writing), but I don't know how to say it. I would be really freaked out if an ex contacted me to say they had an STI and I needed to get tested, and I wouldn't want to make that worse for someone else, whatever my feelings for that person might be. We're not friends and we've had no contact in the four months since we broke up, so this is really going to come out of the blue.I know these things happen and there's no point in blaming anyone, but at the same time, I feel like he should know that I got it from him so that he actually goes and gets himself tested and treated and understands the importance of being careful and aware of your own sexual health. And from a selfish point of view, I just really don't want him to think that it came from me (especially if I have it as a result of him being unfaithful). How can I break the news to him without sounding like I'm accusing him of something?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Cindycares - you're right about lots of things. Being too nice is a general problem for me and not specific to him. I can't hurt or embarrass people to the point where it's ridiculous, like in this case.
I didn't ask him to get tested because we were using condoms and there was no genital contact without them. Had he asked if we could stop using condoms I would have asked him to get tested just to be sure, but as it was, it felt like it wouldn't happen. Besides which, he told me he never had unprotected sex, which I believed (wanted to believe?) because he always had condoms, but I guess neither of us truly thought of unprotected oral sex as unprotected sex, strange as that sounds. I genuinely did not know at the time that it could be transmitted orally, even though thinking about it now, mucous membrane to mucous membrane seems almost more obvious than via the penis. I wish there wasn't such stigma attached to having STIs because I feel like people don't know this stuff and I think that if we talked about it more then the statistics might go down.
In any case, thank you all again very much for your help and input. I'm really glad I asked for advice before writing anything to him. When I think about what I would advise someone else in my situation, I would also say to hell with his feelings, think of yourself. Thanks again!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): A friend of mine apparently caught chlamydia from oral sex. He was on the receiving end, so to speak. He had symptoms fairly quickly and got sorted with antibiotics, luckily ok now but an eye-opener for me when he told me as I had no idea something like that could be passed on orally.For women it can be pretty serious I think in affecting your fertility if it's left untreated. I got freaked by what he told me and went to my local hospital and I asked specifically to have that included in the full tests and they do that anyway. I was so relieved to be clear as I was 99% sure my ex had been cheating and there are quite a few STDs which can be carried and you have no idea you have them!I think provided that you are are tactful and respectful in how you word your communications, you should be ok. The other aunts and uncles have been very helpful. I would rather know I am carrying something than not.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (26 April 2014):
 OP, he could easily be carrying whatever it is with no symptoms. If you think he passed it on orally, it might be worth mentioning that in your letter to him because he should have a mouth/ throat swab in addition to the routine tests. I had to ask specifically for that at my last check up. It wasn't volunteered but the nurse was happy to do it once I asked.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 April 2014):
 Yeah well, getting yourself tested so scrupolously and punctually ,and not asking the guy to get tested too , it sort of defies the purpose, doesn't it ? Never mind, I just wanted to remark that these days we are having a string of incredibly nice posters, it's humbling for someone like me, I mean, I don't think I am, and I don't have the reputation for being, a rabid bitch, yet , certain things , I don't get them.
So what if he feels " blamed " ? You know you are not blaming him and do not have bitchy intentions, - so give him the message that you need to give him , the way he takes it , is HIS problem, not yours . And , at the end of the day, why you should not blame him, if so you were inclined to do ? he IS to blame !, since he's the one who gave the STI to you, not viceversa !
Tbh, I doubt that you really feel nothing for him, etc.etc, all these delicate handling of his feelings would suggest otherwise, ... which is probably normal and natural, but - try not to indulge in that, for your own sake, same as you don't want to indulge in hatred and bitterness, also do not indulge in thoughts about HIS sensitivity , or HIS psychological comfort ... if you do that , you aren't at a safe emotional distance yet.
Treat him like a practical, business question- your goal is ( should be ) to warn him so that he does not go around spreading the STI to other unknowing women, - then formulate your message like an office memo, simple, short, dry and to the point,- if he feels blamed or accused or whatnot,-well, too bad, don't lose any sleep over that !
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies and advice. Just to clarify, I didn't have all those tests for STIs because I had symptoms. I get myself screened once a year for my own peace of mind and have done for almost 10 years. I haven't had a lot of partners, but I like to know that I'm clean and healthy before and after having been with someone. It feels to me like a smart thing to do, for my sake and for other people's. It also means that if I do catch something, I will know exactly who gave it to me. This time I did experience symptoms and therefore went several months earlier than I usually do.
I talked a bit about STIs with my ex but I didn't insist he get tested and show me the results. Nor did I show him my negative results from back then (although I still have them). Believe me when I say that I have learned my lesson. Anyone who wants to have sex with me in the future will be treated to a fun date at a clinic, getting poked and prodded and peeing into a cup and being asked a lot of awkward questions.
We used condoms every single time, but (sorry for the TMI) he went down on me a lot, so I'm guessing it was transferred from his mouth.
He could have come into the relationship with an STI he didn't know about, and he could have cheated. I am choosing to believe that he had the infection already and was just ignorant.
He was always good to me and I'm definitely not afraid of him. I AM angry and disgusted about this but for my own sake I don't want to get too emotional. I've already mourned the end of our relationship and moved on and he's no longer part of my life (apart from this nasty little reminder now). He means nothing to me and I feel nothing for him, so for my own sake I don't want to go around stirring up the past, hating him or driving myself crazy wondering if he cheated on me while we were together and when and where and with whom. It won't do me any good. Therefore I want to go about it in a peaceful, not-too-judgemental-but-a-bit way.
The last thing to mention is that when I was 20, I was accused by someone I had dated of giving him an STI, which he'd passed on to his new girlfriend. I got tested and all the results were negative, so whatever they had had come from somewhere else, but it was really upsetting and made me feel like a bad, dirty person. I don't want to make someone else feel like a dirty, disgusting person - whether that's what he is or not.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 April 2014):
 Daisy's message is perfect, and she's better than me, because I'd have the urge to add "By the way, I hope you've matured from cheating on girlfriends, because the next STI may be a lot more serious. Hugs and smiles! XOXOXOXO"
Heh. I'm kidding, of course.
I'm also curious - if you tested for STI's twice, why didn't he test once? There *are* STI's which are asymptomatic, or symptomatic but the symptoms blown off by the person with the disease.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (26 April 2014):
 That's a lot of tests you've had, did you not insist he had one before you had sex? Or 6 weeks after when you had a 2nd?
Anyway whatever you say its gonna go down like a led balloon so just suggest he gets tested as you know one of his 'flings' gave him (and so you) an STI.
Why worry about his feelings. He may already be getting treatment if the 'other woman' has told him she's passed it on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2014):
 I think Aunt Daisy should be awarded the diplomatic post of the day award. I might tweak her last line just one bit.
"I know these things happen and there's no point in blaming anyone, so I will just say that for your health and well-being, you should seek testing and treatment. The clinic indicated you should also notify your past and current sexual partners as well."
Why are you so concerned for this guy's feelings, are you afraid of him or something?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2014):
 I think what Auntie Daisy wrote was nice and polite enough considering what happened.
In the future... Make sure if you have sex with a guy that HE tests too BEFORE any "bareback"....
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (25 April 2014):
You are very being generous about his feelings, considering he gave you an STI. I would probably have let the clinic tell him, but anyway. You say it pretty well yourself in your penultimate paragraph, so you can just tweak it:
"Dear John,
I just had a sexual health screen and it came back positive for X. Don't be alarmed, it is not serious and I have already been treated.
The thing is, I know that I can only have got this from you because I had a negative screen before we met, and during our relationship.
I know these things happen and there's no point in blaming anyone, but at the same time, I feel like you should go and get yourself tested and treated.
All the best."
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): Honestly, no matter how you go about this, it might come across as the blame game, but don't worry about that. Say something like this:
Hey,
I wanted to let you know that I got tested recently for STIs and the result came back positive but before we were together it was negative and so I think you need to get yourself tested. It's not major and it is treatable but I wanted to let you know before it spread any further from either of us.
All the best
*Your name*
It says what it needs to say and it sounds friendly enough to not sound like a bitchy, angry message.
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