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male
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anonymous
writes: I have known my friend for just over 2 years now and ever since I can remember I have seriously been crazy about her. I tried the subtle route of hinting and was so desperate at one point I had a friend ask her for me, which I know was stupid and immature but she forgave me. We have grown quite close as friends recently through school and she has started confiding in me about her past relationships etc. but I still really like her to the point of saying I am in love. I desperately want to tell her but am afraid of losing out because she is a great friend whose trust I do not want to betray, but for whom I can't hide my feelings much longer.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, communicatrix +, writes (19 July 2005):
 I think it would be helpful to clearly identify your desired outcomes, in ascending order, before you talk to your friend. Obviously, the home run goes something like this:
1. You confess your love for her.
2. She throws her arms around your neck and tearily reciprocates your sentiments, pledging her troth now and forever.
3. You both live happily ever after.
The thing is, given the drama surrounding the initial, third-party disclosure, it sounds likely that it won't go down that way, so I think you need to do some thinking about what alternate scenarios are you willing to live with, which means figuring out what you really want.
If, for example, what you want more than anything is to remain in the presence of this beautiful blossom, listening to her describe past (and maybe current) relationships with other men who are not you, then you should probably just suck it up and keep your mouth shut.
But if living this little lie is becoming as confining as it sounds like it is, I think the time has come to tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. If she is really and truly a friend and you are really and truly disclosing a painful truth and NOT telling her in the hope that she'll tell you the same thing back, well, you two will figure out a way to be friends. Maybe you'll have an awkward laugh and there will be some tears and blushing and chit-chat, but you'll work through it and be friends.
Or maybe you'll tell her and in the very next breath assure her that you can deal with it, that you can still be "just" her friend even with this out on the table, but then in the next day or week or whatever realize that it isn't the case, and maybe you'll have to explain this to her and say you need some time apart to let your ardor cool so you can really and truly be with her as a friend.
Any telling of the truth entails some risk. But really, what kind of friendship are you having—not to mention, what kind of life are you living—when you hide the truth?
Good luck to you.
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