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anonymous
writes: I'm 38, she's 30. We're both divorced, she more recently than I. We knew each other before we began seeing each other, but she had not dated since her divorce, I had and had recently split up with my girlfriend. We both have one child, and custody of each. She says that her issues were trusting her feelings, since her ex husband was a much different person early in the relationship, and had intimacy issues. She says she dosen't want to be fooled again and hurt by getting into another situation like with her ex. She also tries in vain to keep her private life seperate from work, although she has several nosy co workers. I park in the garage when I'm over at her place, and feel like she's hiding me. My question is: how concerned should I be that we have developed a physical and sexual relationship, before expressing verbal feelings? She's said she's falling in love but is also frightened by the past and not repeating it. I am committed to having patience, but also do not want to be burned in the end and feel like I'd wasted my time and should have been more careful. confused
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2005): You did not say how long you and she have been dating. From what you are saying, is it fair to say...she's has issues about emotionally committing to you but you both are still maintaining a good sexual relationship? I have to say though, if she's falling in love, she sure isn't behaving like a "lady falling in love". When you love someone..you want the world to know...you are so happy you tell everyone! You two need to talk. You are both at different opposing ends in this relationship and it sounds like she's content to JUST have a sexual affair with you.
From what her marriage was like, it seems she never really experienced a fully committed emotional bond with her ex. which has made her deeply afraid to approach another commitment and that's unfair to you. It sounds like you are ready.
Another reason many people fear committment is because they are convinced that if they give their lover a full commitment, they will suddenly have their freedom taken away from them, disallowing them to be their true selves or doing the things they like to do and plan to do in the future. There could be a number of various reasons but it does sound like, she just wants the sexual relationship for now and not the emotional committment.
I thinks it's best have a talk with her about it and ask her what exactly is making her doubt commitment so much. The next best thing you can do is be caring & patient and give your lover the reassurance that they are free to be whoever they want to be and that they can continue to do the things they like to do, and continue to plan the plans they have for their personal self. If they still avoid commitment after a while, then perhaps you should go to couple’s counseling, or ask yourself just how long you are willing to wait for your lover to commit to a more emotionally equal relationship.
For now take the risk and be patient...talk to her. I get the feeling you are falling for her fast and you need to know how she feels about you. Without pushing her too hard..try to get her to verbalize her thoughts and feelings about you.
If she's not willing to to talk about then you have to make the decision if it's worth the wait until she comes around or this situation will drive you batty! I wish you both well
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